Originally Posted by
Goliath
Standing on the ledge
of a cliff over the sea.
Collecting rain
with my clothes,
caught in the breeze.
I am a fan of the single person looking out over the ocean from a cliff. It's solitary, solemn, this air of tremendous loneliness within the tone. Also a fan of the title, I kind of think Old Man and The Sea as Hemingway is a favorite of mine. This isn't similar in any way to that story but anyway! Tangents. lol. 'Collecting rain with my clothes' is a piece of beautiful imagery. I know I've harped and demanded some more imagery from you before. That's more like it. Sure, we can get carried way with some 'cheesy' and purple prose type language here and there. This is not that. I just picture a person lost in their thoughts. Perhaps so lost in their own sorrows they feel less than human. Unimportant. So unimportant their shirt is collecting the rain rather than they're a person getting wet. 'Caught in the breeze' is rather simple. I like the idea of it, the idea behind it. A man caught in the winds of life. Nothing to do but blow with the gust, yeah? I can't get into your head to read what you're thinking, I'm just looking at this from many views. Regardless, it's a concise opener with the right amount of imagery. We feel the tone right away. I can't ask for much more than that.
Imagine, the waves
crashing against me.
If I dive now.
Would I die?
Or would I join
Poseidon's family?
Rather than telling us to imagine the waves, wouldn't it be nice if we had some eerie descriptions of these waves rolling upon the shore? How does our narrator see the waves? Are they beautiful? Are they frightening? Are they so grandiose that he feels small? Things to think about. Keep in mind, I'm not against the word choice you used. Commands can be quite effective in getting the reader to close their eyes and imagine the rolling tides crashing down upon this man. I enjoy questions in poems. However, if you're going to bring up Poseidon I would enjoy it if you wrote more on that. Personally, I don't enjoy references to figures of mythology unless it has somewhat of a foundational and legitimate reason for being there. I feel like the stanzas after this have 'some' bearing upon a Poseidon reference inclusion, but the thematic ties still feel too loose and not genuine. Again, this is my personal reading. Grain of salt as always. There's still a lot to be said about what you wrote there. It's a strong pondering upon the after life. Does he die when he jumps? Or does he simply become one with the ocean, a new being, perhaps life never ends. We jump from this body into the next.
Listen,
as the thunder
meets the heart.
Consumed by
love or sharks?
I'm listening to the roar of thunder as it clashes with the heart. A battle of anxiety... Is the heart consumed by love or 'sharks'... I wonder. Could the sharks be fear? Perhaps it's pain. The balance of love and pain is always seen in the daily life. The first stanza and this one are your two best from my view. You mostly nailed the tonal and visual pieces here and gave us some questions to think about as well.
I can feel it.
My vessel tipping
over the edge.
Hypnotized by
a pacific fallacy.
I like it. We're all on a boat sailing through the rough seas that shake and stir with life's unexpected problems. His vessel has taken too many hits from too many rough waves. It's tipping over, ready to break. Unable to break away from the ocean's sway.
Falling,
as time halts
like a dream.
My last memory,
over the sea.
So definitely a suicide vibe but that's over simplifying it. In the literal sense, yes, and also the metaphorical. Consumed by the crashing, unpredictable waters of life that surround us. It has become too much, too scary, too big, too overwhelming. Knocks him off balance, and makes him fall. Or gives him a bit of a shove, and somewhere he decides to take the final step and fall forward.
Reply With Quote
