Both Eyes Open

[Soule]

Waiting.
Index finger resting
firmly on the trigger.
Keeping it warm
like a passionate lover.

Waiting.
Patiently watching
through day and night.
Establishing a nest
while awaiting his prey.

Inhale.
Heart rate enhanced
by the scent of fear.
His target nears
the center of his right eye.

Exhale.
Slowly while hugging
that tender trigger.
She screams
as skull splatters onto sand.



- - - Updated - - -

http://www.rapbattles.com/showthread.php?489969-swept
http://www.rapbattles.com/showthread.php?489963-the-sound-of-my-silence

[TheIllyricist]

Waiting.
Index finger resting
firmly on the trigger.
Keeping it warm
like a passionate lover.

I'll say it now to get it out of the way. I'm not sure how I felt about starting every stanza with a single word, particularly the repetition of 'waiting' in the first two. It felt a little stale. An single word to start a piece can be extremely effective when done the right way and with care. It almost feels like filler, but I understand where your'e coming from or at least I think I understand what you're trying to do. The life of the sniper is one of waiting with both eyes open at all times. The rest of the imagery is simple, concise. I enjoy the treatment of the rifle as a lover, as though the rifle is the only company the sniper keeps. ---> That's what I draw from the concept, but to breathe life into that idea I think you need to dig deeper into the words.

Waiting.
Patiently watching
through day and night.
Establishing a nest
while awaiting his prey.

Patiently watching right after 'waiting' feels redundant. This might be the weakest stanza from my perspective. This just lacks a certain amount of emotion I need, and is too bare in the imagery. You have a good start with the establishment of a nest, and then making the sniper out to be a predator. Explore these concepts and ideas more, what do they mean in the greater scheme of your piece? Through day and night could have been worded better, 'day and night' is a little cliched. We all use cliches to be honest, but right here it didn't do you any favors.

Inhale.
Heart rate enhanced
by the scent of fear.
His target nears
the center of his right eye.

I won't comment too much on the one word sentence here. Though, this is more of a imperative sentence. A command. Now, commands can be really fucking cool when used right. I've been waiting to get to this part of the feed. Ever read Blood Meridian? If I'm remembering right, the very first sentence is 'See the man.' One of the better opening lines I've read in a lot of modern novels, to be honest. Grabs our attention right off the bat. Anyway, moving on. I get the inhale, exhale imagery. Deep breaths to keep the rifle ready for a clean shot. 'Heart rate enhanced' feels a little clinical, and you're onto something with the scent of fear. That should be explored. His heart rate jumps at the scent of fear, like he's drawn to it. Cool concept, so I think you should delve deeper into that hole. 'Target nears the center of his right eye', I like that line. It's a different and unique way to describe the target getting into the sights of the scope.

Exhale.
Slowly while hugging
that tender trigger.
She screams
as skull splatters onto sand.

This is your best stanza. Right here is where I see the poetry coming to life. Tender trigger. I love alliterations, one. Two? It's got this personification going on with it. Again as if the trigger/the rifle is a human being. Flesh and blood. A lover. His only company in a lonely place. And one could take the female screams as someone nearby witnessing the violent end of a human being, or the scream of the rifle as the bullet rips through the air. You've got the basis of a concept, nearly have the structure/spine of it down. I want more, man.

This is a decent poem you've got here, a good start to something I think could be even more. You've got a mind for expansive creativity, take the time to take the shovel and go further than the upper surface.

[Emily]

Waiting.
Index finger resting
firmly on the trigger.
Keeping it warm
like a passionate lover.

I like the first line of one word: Waiting. It makes me feel like I'm expecting the anticipation, paused and ready.
Index finger resting firmly on the trigger, was good. Gives me a clear visual. Not sure about 'index finger' maybe a tad
too literal for my liking, not romantic enough lol for the brutal display of what will unfold. I know i sound like a tosser, but
index finger, takes me out of the imagery and pulls me into reality. but i really like 'resting firmly on the trigger' thats hot.
And "keeping it warm, like a passionate lover" was a lovely metaphor.

Waiting.
Patiently watching
through day and night.
Establishing a nest
while awaiting his prey.

I don't mind the repeated word of 'waiting' again. It brings me back to step one. I'v heard it, sank into the atmosphere of the prior stanza, moved on, and now, I'm back to step 1, waiting---. I like it. But I'm not big on 'patiently watching'. Both words seem drab compared to what you've given me so far. 'quietly, calmly' ? I don't know, but patiently, meh' not strong enough imo. And the word watching? hmm...tad boring. Don't beat me up here lol. Even viewing, following, eyeing, scanning, surveying, studying might have impressed me more than 'watching'. Watching is just...looking. And this guy is doing a lot more than just...watching. Yeah he's watching, but there's a whole stack more emotion behind what he's witnessing, eye balling, monitoring, tracking. And I know if anything, you're not middle of the road. Your wording is normally front and centre. I think you could have come harder. 'Through day and night' was also a tad mundane. Day and night. Even daylight and darkness, would have impressed me more. But it's not about impressing me. That's what I think when I write. I'm writing for me, not to impress anyone in particular. But if I do, what a bonus! lol
'Establishing a nest while awaiting his prey' was cool. I could see him hidden in trenches or what not. Expecting the target any minute to make his day.

Inhale.
Heart rate enhanced
by the scent of fear.
His target nears
the center of his right eye.

Inhale, nice. Good timing, It's getting closer I can feel it just from your inhale. Proven by your heart rate enhanced by the scent of looming fear. That's great. Spot on imagery imo. I also like 'His target nears, the centre of his right eye.' I can see your position, the silence in your brain, the quietness of the moment, waiting to change it all with a BANG!!! That was a nice stanza. I really liked it.

Exhale.
Slowly while hugging
that tender trigger.
She screams
as skull splatters onto sand.

Exhale, seems like the end. The bit where you're ready to say, 'Ready, get set, SHOOT!'
Not sure about 'slowly' or 'hugging'. Even 'gradually' would have been preferred by me. 'Embracing' would also have been preferred to hugging. I find your terminology really impressively clean and sophisticated at times, innocent and lovely. And other times, just with a few words, I find it ordinary. And with such a short piece, I reckon you could have brought stellar words to each stanza, especially because of the calibre of writer you are.
'That tender trigger' though, is lush, lush, lush, lush. Beautiful alliteration and stunning use of wording. Stellar.
'She screams' was alright 'she shrieked' ?? I don't know. But yet again, it seemed very literal and I know you can up the ante'.
'As skull splatters onto sand' is probably the highlight of my day so far.
Stunning imagery, wording, atmosphere, tone, the lot. I love it.

Ok, I know you know this already, this is just my opinion. It doesn't mean diddly squat at the end of the day.
But if you're interested in it, this is it. No holds barred.

I like little pieces of work that pack a punch and have the emotion of big pieces.
I think it takes real talent to put a lot into a little.
And you did that.

Good job Mr Hardy.
Impressive read.
Nice silence you have at times, with your descriptions.
Nice piece.