the sound of my silence

[Emily]

Psycho baby, shower while I rest.
I'll meet you in the steam.
I love you...
Till death.
Misfit.

I've lost perspective.
Even musty odour left me.
Along with fucked up Commandments and,
sterilized Confessions.
Now,
it's ejaculating rain.

You'll pay, for sifting through my mind.
Drip feeding sin through my lips.
Symphonies quivered.
I waltzed with your Jezebelic ways.
And screwed censorship in your asylum.
Our poetry shed tears.

I slashed you in the neck.
You stabbed me in the heart.
These worn walls,
note by note, collapsed.
Extremities crashed.














http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...ur-Quiet-Raven
http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...-of-Wanderlust

[SELF ACTIVATE]

I'm not sure if I know what this one is about Em. My guess is that it was about a troubled relationship. There are things you wanted to say that you kept bottled up inside. I'm guessing that the relationship is also sexual and these were things you were think while having sex?

In terms of language you had some nice phrasing.

I think I need an author's commentary.

[Emily]

@SELF ACTIVATE --- The breakdown.

This psycho friendship personifies us both.
We're misfits but the love is real.
The death of it looms though.
I've lost my way, in this gutter life I lead.
Even flies don't want me.
Commandments and confessions are no longer in my life.
The confessions were once cleaned up to where they bordered
on a lie, so...defying the purpose, they too, fled.
And now, it's expelling rain every day.
I'll make him pay, for loving him.
He was in my brain telling me sweet nothings, spoon feeding me
sin. Orchestras played like never before.
I danced with his temptations.
I fucked everything he tried to make right in the prison of his mind.
Our beautiful ballad wept.
I tried to kill him.
He tried to kill me.
And these bodies, beat by beat, crumbled.
Our limits, collided.


ps) Sorry for the abstract nature of it.
I keep forgetting you're all not in my head.

[SELF ACTIVATE]

Hmmmm sounds like a beautiful battle...bloody but lovely. Lol. I think your breakdown was just as poetic as your poem.

[Soule]

Psycho baby, shower while I rest.
I'll meet you in the steam.
I love you...
Till death.
Misfit.

Not sure how I feel about the wording here. I feel like Misfit would've fit in better at the beginning of the stanza instead of the end and the wording on psycho baby rubbed me wrong.

I've lost perspective.
Even musty odour left me.
Along with fucked up Commandments and,
sterilized Confessions.
Now,
it's ejaculating rain.

Wasn't a fan of 'fucked up commandments' or 'ejaculating rain' but the rest of the stanza was really well put together. I have no issue with vulgar vocabulary in poetry as long as the moment calls for it. I feel like there could've been other words to replace fucked up.

You'll pay, for sifting through my mind.
Drip feeding sin through my lips.
Symphonies quivered.
I waltzed with your Jezebelic ways.
And screwed censorship in your asylum.
Our poetry shed tears.

This was really nice and quite possibly my favorite stanza of the poem. Beautiful wording and lots of great concept here. 'You'll pay for sifting through my mind' is something just about everybody can relate with. Everyone has an ex or current relationship that can be touched by this line.

I slashed you in the neck.
You stabbed me in the heart.
These worn walls,
note by note, collapsed.
Extremities crashed.

Not sure how I feel about 'note by note'. It doesn't seem to fit with anything in the stanza. I know what you meant but the wording just didn't do it for me. The rest of the stanza worked just fine though. I think replacing 'slashed' with 'bit' or something along those lines would've sounded a bit darker or better depending on the reader but 'he stabbed me in the heart' was gorgeous.

Think that's the first time I've broken down a piece when feeding in a long time lol. But the poem was short enough for it to be easy. I liked this poem. Just a couple wording issues I would've thought twice about. Good stuff otherwise though.

[TheIllyricist]

Psycho baby, shower while I rest.
I'll meet you in the steam.
I love you...
Till death.
Misfit.

I find going through your work to be really entertaining, and challenging. Sometimes I wonder if those words are synonyms. I'm feeling the opening. The two words 'Psycho baby' right off the bat have me pulled into what feels like a twisted and brutal battle of a relationship. You could read this stanza from the bottom to the top which for me feels like bonus material and adds a level to the piece.

I've lost perspective.
Even musty odour left me.
Along with fucked up Commandments and,
sterilized Confessions.
Now,
it's ejaculating rain.

Ejaculating rain might be my favorite line of the day. The sexual imagery is intense. 'I've lost perspective.' That's a loaded sentence. Take it as you losing the man, and that powerful and twisted love was the tunnel-vision perspective. With him gone, so is the perspective as is his musty odor -- which connects to the shower. Loss of religion and an existence that felt hypocritical.

You'll pay, for sifting through my mind.
Drip feeding sin through my lips.
Symphonies quivered.
I waltzed with your Jezebelic ways.
And screwed censorship in your asylum.
Our poetry shed tears.

Resentment. I can hear the fucked up melodies and the twisted music of this relationship. Complete discord yet love did once bloom. Again, rife with sensual sexual imagery and wording. A dance of sinful ways, using the word asylum to picture his thoughts/mind was a great choice. Screwed censorship yet another piece of rich imagery with more than one way to read.

I slashed you in the neck.
You stabbed me in the heart.
These worn walls,
note by note, collapsed.
Extremities crashed.

The battle of love is one of psychology and psychology wears thin on the body more than anything else. Note by note; keeping this musical theme of a chaotic battle (dance?) going until it crescendos with the finale of silence with two broken souls. This was really beautiful, Em. There was a primal, carnal heartbeat to it. Thanks for sharing this.

[Jukon]

Yes, ok

To start, the tone was dark, which was extremely fitting, to convey anger in such an elegant way is impressive to me. You get two people who, by your words are already self destructive enough on their own, and you get them with someone who mirrors them, the outcome is always the same. Yeah, there's love, but also in some cases a lot of resentment. You tend to get the same sort of physical relationship as well as the emotional one (or lack thereof) with relationships like these. I feel a lot when I read this, it definitely hits home. I think back and realize a lot of the things I've done wrong, but this is endearing in a sense. We're all fucked up, some more than others, but atleast there's that chance that someone will take a risk. As far as the technicalities of this, a few parts that didn't roll off the tongue but it didn't hinder the progression for me. The message and story were still the same so I won't dwell on that. Reading your work always does something to my brain, and it sends huge messages and "holy fuck" moments. I know there's no wrong way to interpret something, we all see the main message but I'm willing to dig deeper and I think that's what fucks me over most of the time. I see something else in this, and I can't quite put it into words, but I might be grasping at straws. (Even though I know I'm right) thanks for sharing this, Em.