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Thread: spider

  1. #1

    spider

    Spider, play,
    no,
    you're young.
    This hideaway
    is
    no fun.

    At this rate,
    you'll waste your life away
    in the mind-state of a no one.

    -

    Ask your mother
    if she's seen
    a sunset of her own.
    Surely, she will agree,
    and surely
    it wasn't at home.

    Children grow,
    and they get old.
    It'll happen if you say it won't.
    Tell your mother
    that you love her,
    and you'll be in before it gets cold.
    i don't make dance music.

  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: spider

    Zen, this was lovely.
    I can imagine it with an acoustic guitar, Bob Dylan style.
    Your simple imagery is anything but. You draw big pictures with little words.
    The empty spaces/pauses are long enough to make an impact, in the silence of thought.
    This is a lovely tale of a spider but could equate to anyone.
    The pace you have is gentle and goes with the flow of words you've used.
    Imo, this had stunning atmosphere based on beautiful imagery, all because of your
    natural talent for telling the hell out of a story. Long or short.
    You've got it.

    Good job.

    Come back and post again.
    We've missed you.

    (ps, Juke made a no link rule. You can love him later.)


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  3. #3
    The Wind Sings TheIllyricist's Avatar
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    Re: spider

    Quote Originally Posted by Zen the Dude View Post
    Spider, play,
    no,
    you're young.
    This hideaway
    is
    no fun.

    I like the short lines, the pauses. I'm left dangling by the thread of a spider's web within my own thoughts. We're allowed to absorb the meaning behind these small words. There's an atmosphere here, and I love being within it. A sort of gentle bubble, perhaps of innocence. Almost feels like a call to a young bird to leave the nest, but in this case for a spider to go out and play and not fear what's outside. An enchanting, thoughtful opener.

    At this rate,
    you'll waste your life away
    in the mind-state of a no one.

    Echoes the sentiment I wrote above. Do I think you could have cut this? Hm. Possibly. I felt this was too long and the words not quite on the same level as that opening stanza. Regardless, the point is made and I'm not overly bothered. Just me being nitpicky over the smallest of details! Go out and play, explore the world and grow; staying within shelter will only box the spider in and prevent them from growing. I like the idea, and I enjoy the way you present it.

    -

    Ask your mother
    if she's seen
    a sunset of her own.
    Surely, she will agree,
    and surely
    it wasn't at home.

    One has to go outside of the home in order to watch a sunset. This is an original way of depicting this kind of idea, Zen. I love the conversational tone, and the implied sharing of wisdom. Sort of like an elder speaking his thoughts to a young and eager listener.

    Children grow,
    and they get old.
    It'll happen if you say it won't.
    Tell your mother
    that you love her,
    and you'll be in before it gets cold.

    Children grow old. We get old. We all die eventually, and it is inevitable. The extreme fear of death should not curb our adventures, for we can't live and grow if we don't. I love that ending. I imagine a child telling his mother they love her before going off to play a game with their friends or by themselves. Off to see the sights, off to explore outside of the home. Beginning the stages of branching out. The start of a child's growth.
    Very good read, Zen. You are indeed, the dude. Thanks for sharing!
    “Those whom life does not cure death will. The world is quite ruthless in selecting between the dream and the reality, even where we will not. Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting.”

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