User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Traveler

  1. #1
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Location
    Cambridge, MA
    Posts
    530
    Awards PC HOF

    Traveler

    *been rummaging the poetry section and am very inspired after reading lots of amazing drops. So I figure why not give it a try lol. I wrote to the Picture Perfect photo of January. Wish me luck!*




    Traveler

    I come home to sleeping family.
    All dreaming
    Warm in water
    Hope it's something beautiful and returning
    Never fleeting nor still
    But floating
    And I hope I don't wake them.
    By the sounds of heavy bags thrown off the shoulder
    into the water of laminate hardwood and the kitchen tiled earth.
    Our apartment sits on the third floor swingy to this evenings windstorm
    I hope the families below also sleep soundly
    That everyone they love returns home
    Eventually
    Find time to live with them fully and whole
    But now the whole moon is watching me two step between the doorway and dirty laundry
    The house smells of cooking, warm and salt in the air.
    But not hot enough to eat without heating.
    I plant my body in the bed of the ground
    Heal myself
    Let's travel less
    Or travel more with more people
    People you love still
    And floating in your mind
    My heart is swings this evening
    windstorm
    Sounds like heavy stones thrown into the water
    Plop to tide music
    Plop to my exhale
    Wish for all of me to see my whole family grinning awake tomorrow



    http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php?489762-Bitter-War
    http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...-of-Wanderlust
    Last edited by Emily; February 17th, 2016 at 11:07 PM

  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    4,492
    Battle Record
    2-2
    Awards MOTM PC HOF

    Re: Traveler

    Sammy, I like how you've got that comfy feeling happening in your intro, all cushy and floaty.
    Dreamy and soft. You've put emotion there by picking those words well.
    "... I come home to sleeping family.
    All dreaming
    Warm in water
    Hope it's something beautiful and returning
    Never fleeting nor still
    But floating..."
    And then you do a 360, following suit with your words. This time, it's the opposite end of the
    spectrum. Hard words, harsh and cold.
    "... By the sounds of heavy bags thrown off the shoulder
    into the water of laminate hardwood and the kitchen tiled earth..."
    One thing I picked up was that the word 'whole' was in two sentences in very close proximity of each other. Maybe a synonym for the word whole might have given us another aspect, similar, but in another light...complete? undivided? You get the drift lol.
    A slight typo with '... My heart is swings this evening...' No biggie.
    I like how you've put this sentence VVV
    '... is watching me two step between the doorway and dirty laundry...'
    the irony of the clean visual there is very nice.
    I also like this:
    '... Let's travel less
    Or travel more with more people
    People you love still...' Although probably would have omitted the first 'more' and just left it as...
    'Or trave with more people', but that's just me, just my opinion. Not gospel, just what I'd prefer.
    Even though you've got the word 'people' twice, in that context, it works for me beautifully.
    I think it's the pace that makes it work so well.
    I really like those words.
    In the outro, I like how you personify the movements of your heart.
    Nice one Sammy. Nice sensitive nature displayed.
    I like your take on the world.
    It's really quite beautiful.
    Well done Sammy. I enjoyed this. I hope you keep posting in pc.
    You've got a talent with your descriptions and your atmosphere.
    You build a nice scenario that has scents of home and love.
    Nice Read.

  3. #3
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Traveler

    I liked this. There were a couple lines I felt were too long or short and I wish imagery was a little more detailed / in depth. Other than that though this was a really nice piece. I really liked the approach on the topic and felt the overall writing was pretty creative. I liked that you kept this remotely short. Didn't stretch out too long so there didn't seem to be a bunch of filler if any. These lines were probably my personal favorites.

    Warm in water

    I plant my body in the bed of the ground
    Heal myself
    Nice read, keep posting.

  4. #4
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Location
    Cambridge, MA
    Posts
    530
    Awards PC HOF

    Re: Traveler

    thanks for the read, Emily and Mr Hardy! i had no idea what i was doing, lmao, but thanks for the encouragement <3 u both.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  5. #5

    Re: Traveler

    i liked this work. i most appreciated your use of various poetic devices and the fact that the images you created all came off to me, as incredibly original. i could quote lines with this work but i would end up blocking the entire piece out. just a great balance of lines that flow and carry the reader in one direction of expectation for the metaphor that will punctuate the line, but last minute twist and use something completely out of left field. line by line i really enjoyed the piece. that being said - wholly i did feel the context at times would lose me. i appreciated the recurrence of themes like the dreams, and the windstorms to keep things as linear as a metaphorical perspective of the provided photo could be but i think it was narrative tense that would get me twists up at times. at the beginning it was definitively "I" as the party being described but then it led into we/our/us as described as the traveler or the returning traveler when to me the first line suggested only one traveler and then separately there is a group/family that is coping with losing/receiving this one individual. but potentially that's intentional to create sense a oneness - that what the "traveler" leaves behind feels the burden of loss as completely as the traveler.

    in any case. part by part i really did like this. just your way of writing. your wording and the way your mind adapts its own fresh and creative images - and not just for image sake but for the sake of developing an emotional response intelligently. yeah, some small hang up for me or maybe just reader error. but overall, a piece i liked.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  6. #6
    The Wind Sings TheIllyricist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Posts
    590
    Battle Record
    2-3
    Awards PC HOF PS Season champ

    Re: Traveler

    Quote Originally Posted by Sammy View Post
    Traveler

    I come home to sleeping family.
    All dreaming
    Warm in water
    Hope it's something beautiful and returning
    Never fleeting nor still
    But floating
    And I hope I don't wake them.
    By the sounds of heavy bags thrown off the shoulder
    into the water of laminate hardwood and the kitchen tiled earth.
    Our apartment sits on the third floor swingy to this evenings windstorm
    I hope the families below also sleep soundly
    That everyone they love returns home
    Eventually

    I enjoy the title of this piece. Traveler. We all travel in our own ways. Some people may never leave their own country, never leave their own state. But we travel far in the distance of our emotions and our knowledge. We travel to work. I get this soft, cozy feeling of a family man returning from work. 'All dreaming -- warm in water'. I really enjoyed those lines. His family asleep and soaked in the warmth of their dreamy sea. You might not write poetry like this often, but you have a poet's heart.

    Find time to live with them fully and whole
    But now the whole moon is watching me two step between the doorway and dirty laundry
    The house smells of cooking, warm and salt in the air.
    But not hot enough to eat without heating.
    I plant my body in the bed of the ground
    Heal myself
    Let's travel less
    Or travel more with more people
    People you love still
    And floating in your mind
    My heart is swings this evening
    windstorm
    Sounds like heavy stones thrown into the water
    Plop to tide music
    Plop to my exhale
    Wish for all of me to see my whole family grinning awake tomorrow

    You have plenty of good images. The plopping of stones into water. Tide music makes me think of these stones splashing as an undertone to that tidal music. Beautiful. 'Heal myself, let's travel less or travel with more people' -- One of my favorite three lines here. The idea of healing one's soul by traveling less and remaining in float with the people they love. Or, to travel with all of those people. Being alone and separated makes for a heavy weight, and a sense of loneliness that's hard to shake. There's a lot of warm, homey feelings in this. Like sitting around a fire with the entire family on a Christmas Day sharing in the joys of simple togetherness.
    You say you have no idea what you're doing Sammy, but you've got a poetic voice. I think open mic stuff and sacred scriptures IS poetry. It's just another form of it. You've got skills Sammy, and a beautiful talent for poetry. Your writings are among my favorites here currently. Keep on doing you, Sammy. This was pleasant. Sure, it could take some cuts, some edits, some word changes. But even then, I can still see, smell, and feel the essence of this piece. Beautiful stuff, Sammy.
    “Those whom life does not cure death will. The world is quite ruthless in selecting between the dream and the reality, even where we will not. Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting.”

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •