She declares war;
every time we meet.
I've taken up arms.
Her stance of... 'Fuck You Harmony',
summons acidic actions and,
I've grown numb.
Sorrow ceased; relieved by resent,
buffering bitter barriers.
I've not known peace.
But I have this ...
A destroyed Cosmos, wool off their eyes,
realised, nothing shields antagonism,
from bad blood.
http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php?489674-Raef
http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php?488884-Savannah
Last edited by Emily; January 20th, 2016 at 08:38 PM
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what subliminal swots do you stand a the plate and bat with.... to-shay
aka Sorrow: the Broken Wing
Like the emo in this as well the tension not apparent...crafted in the craftless embers of some distant star closest to us...your words are that of nourishment and addiction...feeding curiosity till full then pulling out the dessert for full stomachs to explode....nice
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Best Topical Writer: 143
Hmmm...
This was short...but it contained a lot of thoughtfulness. I'm not quite sure who 'she' is, but I'm wondering if 'she' is actually 'you'? I'll have to read it line by line again and again to extract the exact meaning. Then again, maybe the truth is whatever I believe it to be.
OAN: this poem reads fluidly, but there is a heaviness to It.
The content feels boggled down and stressful. You did a good job in creating that atmosphere of bitterness and burden. The emotion was motionless, it seemed strained and tired, filled with apathy and indifference. Ironically, that's exactly what makes me feel your words. We all have or have had something or someone in our lives that have worn us down to the point of numbness and I think you did a great job articulating those experiences in a poetic and believable way.
Last edited by SELF ACTIVATE; January 22nd, 2016 at 12:11 PM
It's interesting to see other peoples portrayal of events that have also happened in my life, and it helps put things into perspective. I'm not the only person who deals with bullshit, even though I know that wasn't your intention; it's a good reminder to keep people grounded. Your word choice is always so crisp and fits in with the diction and the tone you're aggressively setting. A lot of deep seeded anger but elegantly worded.
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the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.
your writers voice is compelling. I was almost left hungering for something more as I reached the climax to the piece. However, at the same you developed and executed it just fine where the reader is able to feel the bitterness and shiiiet, I even felt numb.. still captivated me due to the velocity the piece moves at throughout. one can easy miss the sheer difficulty of the mechanics involved in putting a piece together like this.
BTW ----- This.
I've grown numb.
Sorrow ceased; relieved by resent,
buffering bitter barriers.
I've not known peace.
----I have felt this way. Actually resented and bitter with the person who was 'red' LOL. -------------
But I have this ...
A destroyed Cosmos, wool off their eyes,
realised, nothing shields antagonism,
from bad blood.
I felt your pain in this piece All in all a strong piece, very nicely written. Thanks for the read!
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Like you mentioned in your review for my last poem: you wanted a bit more from me. As a Hemingway style fan, I do find myself enjoying the less is more approach and that certainly applies here. You don't say much, but it's not with wasted breath. It's as though you're the lone gunman of a Western who only speaks when he finds it important to do so. It's not always what is said, but what isn't said. And you have a strong grasp of that approach. However, I too wanted more from the piece. You can read this is in many ways, the two I saw it as were either a relationship gone wrong or a friendship gone wrong. Hell, it can apply to any type of relationship where bad blood creates a rift and to numb down the feelings we build a barrier of resent. Anything is better than that sadness it seems. Well done, Em.
this was short but i felt it says a lot. I mean, it may very well be a beef between two individual or an internal strife. Either way, there are much to be examined here. The first stanza boldly proclaimed the crux of this poem. And the third line was interesting to me because its like a "conditioning". Like after much of this conflict, i've developed a "defense mechanism".
Her stance of... 'Fuck You Harmony',
summons acidic actions and,
what i got from ^^ is a action/reaction type deal. "Harmony", If, by any chance, not a name of a life-long rival, then perhaps a personification of said concept - so i suppose from that the conflict may point to an internal one.
I've grown numb.
Sorrow ceased; relieved by resent,
buffering bitter barriers.
^^my favorite part. The thing with conflict, after a while, whether for better or worse, you become desensitize to it. Apathy often kicks in and a transition occurs, in this case sorrow --> resentment. The icing is the nice alliteration ha!
The last segments were a bit more cryptic to me. Cosmo, may or may not be referring to, your world/universe, that i can sort of piece together but the "nothing shields antagonism, from bad blood" the metaphor felt redundant to me. antagonism and bad blood are the same thing isn't it? i don't know maybe i'm just taking it the wrong way in which case, i apologize, Emily lol. But yeah this was definitely on of the favorites that i've read in the Poetry forum. Write more!
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