[SEMI-FINALS] Battler #1 vs Battler #2 - Battler #2 ADVANCES via N/S!

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Thread: [SEMI-FINALS] Battler #1 vs Battler #2 - Battler #2 ADVANCES via N/S!

  1. #1
    Obnoxious Amen's Avatar
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    [SEMI-FINALS] Battler #1 vs Battler #2 - Battler #2 ADVANCES via N/S!

    VERSUS DUE: WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 25th @ 11:59 PM EST
    Regular Round LINE LIMIT: 6 Bars/12 Lines


    ** NO BITING/RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **

    If you have not read the rules, please do! Link Provided below!

    http://www.rapbattles.com/showthread...ions-MUST-READ!

    SEMI-FINALS

    It's simple, normal battle conditions... JUST WRITE BARS!

    Battler #1 vs Battler #2


    PM me for your check in & PM me your verse when it's ready!
    GOOD LUCK!

  2. #2
    Obnoxious Amen's Avatar
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    Re: [SEMI-FINALS] Battler #1 vs Battler #2

    BATTLER #2 HAS CHECKED IN

  3. #3
    Obnoxious Amen's Avatar
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    Re: [SEMI-FINALS] Battler #1 vs Battler #2

    Battler #2:
    Battler #1 to the front stage.

    i'll find you and cut ya body into so many pieces, son it'll be chilling
    literally, the probability that they'll find your body is One In A Million
    you talk about guns you don't have & think that it's clever shit
    if a .45 is tucked around then ya fat ass is talking Waist Measurements
    you lie about all the drugs you take, so RB can't stand behind ya
    Sippin' Syrup? last time I checked you was sucking on a bottle of Aunt Jenima
    i'll take his bitch and make her suck my dick cause i got better respect
    but detectives should be able to sketch me when it was a Facial never forget
    get ya bars up. i'll be spitting off the dome if i hear something wack
    a couple bullets will Flatten Tour Top and turn ya fitted cap into a bucket hat
    i'll raid his home with that Mossberg, cause ain't shit stopping me,
    when my piece jumps around this square's property like a game of monopoly

  4. #4
    Obnoxious Amen's Avatar
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    Re: [SEMI-FINALS] Battler #1 vs Battler #2

    Quote Originally Posted by Amen View Post
    Battler #2:
    Battler #1 to the front stage.

    i'll find you and cut ya body into so many pieces, son it'll be chilling
    literally, the probability that they'll find your body is One In A Million
    Wack.
    you talk about guns you don't have & think that it's clever shit
    if a .45 is tucked around then ya fat ass is talking Waist Measurements
    Played and hardly flipped. Seen a lot of these back in the 08 era of text. Anything involving Tucking Pounds/Weight concept.
    you lie about all the drugs you take, so RB can't stand behind ya
    Sippin' Syrup? last time I checked you was sucking on a bottle of Aunt Jenima
    Nothing much to this... I think you could have did w/o it, tbh and come up with something better.
    i'll take his bitch and make her suck my dick cause i got better respect
    but detectives should be able to sketch me when it was a Facial never forget
    Concept there but execution lacking. This could have been cool had you worded/delivered it differently. As is, isn't really much of a punch.
    get ya bars up. i'll be spitting off the dome if i hear something wack
    a couple bullets will Flatten Tour Top and turn ya fitted cap into a bucket hat
    Flat & tour top ? I"m assuming is what you were going for... Crazy reach and grammatical nightmare... This is that lazy wordplay fuck shit that so many people get away with, with everyone else... NOT ME... I think you could have delivered this a lot differently in which would have worked, MAYBE..
    i'll raid his home with that Mossberg, cause ain't shit stopping me,
    when my piece jumps around this square's property like a game of monopoly
    Again, not much of a PUNCH here... Monopoly simile's were killed back in the 1st era's of text, tbh...
    OVERALL: Conceptually I think you have the IDEA of battling. But you are lacking some of the BASIC mechanics. Insult factor is one of them. You have to remind yourself, IN A BATTLE; you have to belittle your opponent. I know your creative but creativity seems to be your kryptonite. YOu tend to OVER WORD or try and CRAM a bunch of shit in to 1 concept. That's destroying the potential impact - that concept could have had if worded/delivered properly. 2 things I've noticed, 1 - you over word concepts: And what I mean by this is, you are saying too much when you could have delivered the same concept w/ half of the words used... Or 2. You try and CRAM multiple concepts in to 1 punch which ends up destroying the impact - just 1 of those concepts could have had. Insult factor is major... I'll use your closing bar as an example... Your piece jumping around his property like Monopoly... You didn't really say much there? Ok, so your piece going to jump around on his property... Nothing really implying anything here... I mean, will you be shooting his property up, him up? What exactly in this PUN insults your opponent or belittles him? Do you see where I'm going... Typically - I tend to tell EVERYONE, when you think of a concept... Word/execute it 3 different ways and go with the cleaner/more harsh version. Sometimes you have to see something from different perspectives. I think considering you are undeveloped as a text battler, these type of errors will fix/correct themselves the more you battle... However, I still see you writing in which seems to be the same through out your verses.

    You have to develop a formula & structure.

    You have decent structure, all you need is a more stable battle formula and I think you'll be ok.

    There is your feed. If you'd like any additional feedback, let me know.

  5. #5
    Think it's a game.... Ronin's Avatar
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    Re: [SEMI-FINALS] Battler #1 vs Battler #2 - Battler #2 ADVANCES via N/S!

    i'll find you and cut ya body into so many pieces, son it'll be chilling
    literally, the probability that they'll find your body is One In A Million
    not feelin. you coulda worded this and/or flipped it into something aite tho...
    you talk about guns you don't have & think that it's clever shit
    if a .45 is tucked around then ya fat ass is talking Waist Measurements
    lol this is aite...i never seen it...
    you lie about all the drugs you take, so RB can't stand behind ya
    Sippin' Syrup? last time I checked you was sucking on a bottle of Aunt Jenima
    nah...corny af. nothing here really...
    i'll take his bitch and make her suck my dick cause i got better respect
    but detectives should be able to sketch me when it was a Facial never forget
    wp is cool but i dont like the delivery...
    get ya bars up. i'll be spitting off the dome if i hear something wack
    a couple bullets will Flatten Tour Top and turn ya fitted cap into a bucket hat
    what...this doesn't make sense...
    i'll raid his home with that Mossberg, cause ain't shit stopping me,
    when my piece jumps around this square's property like a game of monopoly
    this is aite...



    wow lol


    and ur going to be in the finals.




    wow

  6. #6
    Goon World Order
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    Re: [SEMI-FINALS] Battler #1 vs Battler #2 - Battler #2 ADVANCES via N/S!

    i'll find you and cut ya body into so many pieces, son it'll be chilling
    literally, the probability that they'll find your body is One In A Million
    I like this idea... execution coulda been better, but decent
    you talk about guns you don't have & think that it's clever shit
    if a .45 is tucked around then ya fat ass is talking Waist Measurements
    'tucked around' don't really make sense when it come to pants. wasn't feelin this
    you lie about all the drugs you take, so RB can't stand behind ya
    Sippin' Syrup? last time I checked you was sucking on a bottle of Aunt Jenima
    ehh okay
    i'll take his bitch and make her suck my dick cause i got better respect
    but detectives should be able to sketch me when it was a Facial never forget
    facial never forget was nice, coulda been worked in better
    get ya bars up. i'll be spitting off the dome if i hear something wack
    a couple bullets will Flatten Tour Top and turn ya fitted cap into a bucket hat
    not sure what you were goin for... reminds me of Cassidy old "clap. turn ya sixers hat to a headband" line
    i'll raid his home with that Mossberg, cause ain't shit stopping me,
    when my piece jumps around this square's property like a game of monopoly
    solid

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