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Thread: Goodnight, Goodbye..

  1. #1
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    Goodnight, Goodbye..

    at night, I write to stay sane in my head,
    I sleep too much because it's safer in bed...
    mostly dreaming so I can chase 'her' instead,
    to be a super hero and save her from death!
    to play with a friend, where no festival ends,
    where I never truly face her again,
    face to face in the flesh...
    because dreaming away with the pen
    is eternal and I miss you way more than I've said
    you left too early, I can't hate this, I said..
    but all I feel is pain in my head,
    how fate isn't kept
    for those truly made for the best..
    I miss you, you'll always be a page to be read..
    I have our memories kept.
    I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]


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  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Goodnight, Goodbye..

    This is sweet. A dream like state to keep the love alive and real to you.
    My only issue: the words 'I've/I said' doubling up right next to each other.
    The flow is nice, you've got the rhymes at the end of the sentences and they stay
    consistent. The imagery is good, as is the story of how you feel about her.
    Nice little piece here 'phX.
    I like the title too.

  3. #3
    Em-UhTh-Double Guh-Ah MuhThugga's Avatar
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    Re: Goodnight, Goodbye..

    At times, I felt that you were struggling to keep up with the rhyme scheme and think you could benefit from straying away every once in a while. The repeated end rhymes didn't feel repeated for poignancy so much as they felt repeated due to running out of diction.

    With that said, I enjoyed the concept and the overall flow of the piece. I actually felt that it could have gone on for a bit longer and delve a little further into the story.

  4. #4

    Re: Goodnight, Goodbye..

    This was an enchanting piece that gave true earthly gatherings. Warm hearted for the soft baked cookies with a voice of steaming aroma. I truly grasped this passage with a definite message throughout. Good read, poet.
    The end of a Revelation.... But a Clever Word always illustrated.

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