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Thread: Rough Diamonds

  1. #1

    Rough Diamonds

    The catacombs deep with disarray
    Boulders of gold yeilding hope
    Echo amongst the fallen souls before
    The mines richs with dispare
    Copper hearts diggin for golden veins
    Kids forgotten within mens ambition
    Forced to repeat repetition
    Diamonds for richies, poor chlidren
    In the midst of treasures
    Only finding themselves stranded
    Along the shores of a black sea
    Darkness comes in waves
    Oceans of halls, tunnel vision drowned
    Sweat dripping brows creating mud in their wake
    But the steel tips run a muck on the stones
    second long stars chime with each swing
    Finger painted skies: black
    Moonless dusk, dawns always absent
    Midnights with blackened ascent
    Its a good day
    The dirt rich with years, a soil of souls
    THE trail blazers mark, pioneers of the dark
    The cold steel warms the layers of echos
    Soot drenched bellows howling across the maze
    Haunting whistles wistfully woe cries of memories
    Replaying the sounds of dancing ghost'
    Miles of depth, miles wealthy of lives kept
    Warn boots, dirt coiled cotton, black necks
    Old hands, youthful hearts, discouraged souls
    Disenchanted hope twinkles between the cuts of the rock
    peasants molding royalty, slaves to a
    thrown spewing coal covered rubies
    Fingerprint smeared diamonds shining
    Vanity's martyr, greed's all in bet
    Gluttons to the starving youth
    Stuffing their appetite with empty futures
    A generation for a momentary glimmer
    Copper hearts in search of a golden vein
    Wolfs sheeping wool from the sheep
    snakes hissing at the heels of diamond backs
    Fartherless suns never set
    Motherless nights nurture darkness
    Endless caves flicker bitter brightness
    Relfecting the sins of endless greed
    Kids among the stars miles from heaven
    Inches from the devils heel
    Those fortunate relish in their fortune
    While the furtunes of less fortunate
    Die along the cuts of the jewelers accuracy
    Rocks in the rough, paying those who seek ruin
    Jewels for the lush, rust for the rest of us
    Diamonds for your lust
    All for a necklace connected to a status?
    Cycling rhetorical solutions, endless consumer
    Forever consuming the lives of a youth
    Envy grips the hearts of men
    To the point even chlidren become a means to an end....

    ...though whats an end without the intent?
    Last edited by Fatrick Swayze; November 5th, 2015 at 11:29 PM
    DamNation

  2. #2
    Em-UhTh-Double Guh-Ah MuhThugga's Avatar
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    Re: Rough Diamonds

    I think this poem would be enhanced greatly with some structure to break up the lines. Stanzas would help bring more poignancy to the images you are trying to convey. While some images did stand out to me, some were easily swallowed by the block of text, and I feel that the stronger images could have more impact if the structure brought more emphasis.

    As for the content, I liked it.
    Copper hearts diggin for golden veins
    Kids forgotten within mens ambition
    Those two lines stood out to me the most.

  3. #3
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Rough Diamonds

    Fatt, way to go showing the exploitation of child (and community) labour, using mind blowing practices, all for the love of sparkle.
    These people earn less than a dollar a day and risk death because of our (consumers) need for Bling.
    I love that you've made a poem about it.
    The irony of diamond miners being up there with the poorest people in the world is ridiculous.

    You've got some amazing descriptions in this Fatt.

    Boulders of gold yeilding hope
    Echo amongst the fallen souls before
    Copper hearts diggin for golden veins
    Kids forgotten within mens ambition
    But the steel tips run a muck on the stones
    second long stars chime with each swing
    Finger painted skies: black
    The cold steel warms the layers of echos
    Soot drenched bellows howling across the maze
    Haunting whistles wistfully woe cries of memories
    Replaying the sounds of dancing ghost'
    There's a whole heap. I could go on.
    Yet another example of what an interesting writer you are Fatt.

    Lovely work here.

    Thank you.


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  4. #4

    Re: Rough Diamonds

    Coal miners always had a bit of rough draft displayed. The main focus caught my eyes were the Child liberations that affected London ages ago with radical harsh movements. Some concepts were vague, but made some interesting justification along the way. I agree above if you detach your passage up so the flow continues more fluidly. Not too bad, poet.
    The end of a Revelation.... But a Clever Word always illustrated.

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