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Thread: Savannah

  1. #1
    The guy below me is gay. Easy.'s Avatar
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    Savannah

    Savannah



    I've pursued plenty of prizes
    Things that parch the eye
    But the moment's timeless
    When you go marching by
    No! I must not hide it
    For soon my heart would die
    Your my soldier; stopping tyrants—
    Fought through my darkest times
    I've thought about our life when
    You don't know you're part of mine

    You're fighting on the home front
    We have peeped around the corner
    And we have been alone once
    And been in deep without a mortar
    But when I'm by my lonesome
    And you only have your formers
    I suppose that we could show us
    The last time we would be war torn

    The damage is a small amount
    If you can stop the fight
    That's why you're what I talk about
    When I feel I've got to write
    I haven't meant to call you out
    But your soulful walk is light
    So if we come to a falling out...
    Would you help me walk these lines?


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  2. #2
    Buzz Kill graf-x's Avatar
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    Re: Savannah

    i liked your pattern here - consistent throughout - i also like your wording choice. almost made me feel like i was back in the military. dope imagery - as im sure you had a different meaning than how i interpret it - i think you did well with this piece. well done. relationships in military are hard and this poem captured that moment well whether you meant to or not.......- i like the ending the best

    The damage is a small amount
    If you can stop the fight
    That's why you're what I talk about
    When I feel I've got to write
    I haven't meant to call you out
    But your soulful walk is light
    So if we come to a falling out...
    Would you help me walk these lines?

    --strong meaning, not to many will --- to many broken promises in most relationships in military - so this struck home a bit.

    overall good piece man. i enjoyed reading this


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  3. #3
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Savannah

    This is really beautiful. It's the free flowing aspect of it that I like.
    The natural way it falls, the words you've used, the things you've said,
    all sounded organic and fell in a smooth manner.
    You've got some great quotes....

    I've pursued plenty of prizes
    Things that parch the eye
    But the moment's timeless
    When you go marching by
    I've thought about our life when
    You don't know you're part of mine
    ^^^ My favourite part. Simple and beautiful.

    The damage is a small amount
    If you can stop the fight
    That's why you're what I talk about
    When I feel I've got to write
    ^^ That's good. Those last two lines, just top it.

    I like the clean flow in this. The rhymes also work well. Alliteration is always cool.
    But it's your storyline that's the star for me. Romantic war zones. Something about that.

    I really enjoyed this.
    Lovely work Easy.


    Great Read.
    Last edited by Emily; November 1st, 2015 at 01:13 AM

  4. #4
    The Wind Sings TheIllyricist's Avatar
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    Awards PC HOF PS Season champ

    Re: Savannah

    Loving the rhyme scheme and rhythm, truly made for a melodic read. Feels like a relationship between a soldier on the lines and a wife/girlfriend at home from the content. Easily readable, easily relatable, and the flow brought a lot of beauty to a particularly difficult situation to experience. It was simple for such a heavy kind of topic, and often times I find that to be best. Always seems to pack the most heart. Keep writing!

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