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Thread: emptied

  1. #1
    SirVent
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    emptied

    i'm over this hobby, it's honestly got me,
    drained- looking for answers to questions that're costly.
    but the options are limited, failing to see what the vision is,
    imprisoned in- a shallow [frame] that doesn't pay dividends.
    always tempted to steal the show, but the skill doesn't follow,
    a hundred loaded thoughts that still leave me hollow.
    so i knock, and i knock, but emptiness just echoes,
    destined to fall, in between the hinges just before i let go.
    but recently...
    i've been finding it hard to write, to grasp a concept, and make it 'tight',
    my head just isn't wired right, tired of being fired up this late at night.
    too busy battling my cursed demons, to construct a verse with meaning,
    the hearse is speeding, it'scatchingup...
    ...not again, my mind is le av in g.
    every conversation is scripted, yet they fail to listen,
    hiding the fact that inside of my head- lie thoughts...
    ...invasive and twisted.
    they believed i was gifted, but that was just what my parents were wishin',
    the one time i went fishing, i got hooked on the freedom...
    ...if i don't center these feelings i'll be listless.
    i can't grab the reins and steer this train of thought
    i hope it derails me enough to crash me into pain and loss.
    i'm done treating this shit as more than what it is,
    just writing words and hoping they'll eventually sink in.
    but i don't have the time for that, and truly i'd rather drown,
    in order to hone this craft, we'll have to face the sound.
    that if we don't change our font, we'll never make an impact
    and if the colors don't vary, we're not really stating facts
    we're all just...
    repeating the same words, mistreating each great verse,
    just pleading to get heard, misleading peers to hide hurt.
    little bits and pieces of ourselves littered in between,
    but even so it seems we all fit somehow in this scene.

    cause i'm learning
    that everyone struggles, trying to find that one diamond in the rubble,
    every now and then, a gem will appear and shine light on your troubles.
    the prism reflects, something menial but the mission's still set,
    do what you can, and that will be your best,
    you're not to be measured...
    ...by the medals that rest to the left.


    and it seems im emptied out, no more thoughts to give,
    doubt surrounds me now, should i even post this shit?

    http://www.rapbattles.com/showthread...0-Bolted-Doors
    http://www.rapbattles.com/showthread...95-shots-fired
    Last edited by Jukon; October 27th, 2015 at 01:13 AM

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  2. #2
    BEST topical writer... Endeva.'s Avatar
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    Re: emptied

    yo Jukon,

    it musta been almost a year since I read any of your work, and for me, this is your best, dunno why I just connected with it, seemed real and relatable... and written for the most, nice and smooth, I mean it coulda been loaded with a few more multis n shit but that's what I always think about anything lmao... but yea, good work, pleasantly surprised

    .....pz
    [youtube]99ns8n2S40g[/youtube]

  3. #3
    SirVent
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    Re: emptied

    Appreciate that Dev

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  4. #4
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Re: emptied

    yeaaaa this right here. I relate the fuck out of it. Not in term of writing but to other stuff. I'll give a proper opinion when i'm more alert but this was sick.

  5. #5

    Re: emptied

    Haven't seen a drop from you lately myself.

    Flow: Always on point since the earlier stages off BBE and so forth.
    Multiples: I didn't sense much till the middle core of the passage in which intensified.
    Wordplay:Cleverly written, but again more emerged through the middle section.
    Theme: Ehh not an original approach I usually seen you do. Though the behind scenarios covered nicely.
    Imagery: I only grasped a few lines that were interesting.

    Overall analysis: I still enjoyed this passage. I think it was a good reading, but needed some more depth just to grasp the audience with something not complex but something profound.
    The end of a Revelation.... But a Clever Word always illustrated.

  6. #6
    SirVent
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    Re: emptied

    Thanks rev. However it wasn't meant to be profound or deeper than what it is. This is my last open mic here, and probably my last written overall. Appreciate the feed.
    @Sammy I'm holding you to what you said

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  7. #7
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    Re: emptied

    @Jukon 'tis a shame to see you go from the topical side to things. I understand how it loses much interest and it doesn't appeal as much as it used to. It seems just like it was yesterday I was struggling to keep a rhyme, or learn the schemes or grasp a metaphor fully and embed it with imagery, now that I've done it all, learned it all, still, it leaves me empty like I ain't fully living up to my potential, that writing my thoughts for others to see is merely just a sad attempt at showing my skill off, yeah I might get some stickers on the forums I post at like "Golden Key", "50 wins", etc.. but it really doesn't do much than waste my time in essence, what's it really doing if you think about it, like what the fuck. I understand this drop in its entirety Jukon. Believe it or not thats why I stopped writing such generic topical verses and focused more on the artistic sides to things like spoken word or prose topicals, or all in one than a free write. But even when you do change, you do something different, it's all the same old bullshit related to it. I think, maybe, if you ever do jot down some thoughts again and maybe give it another chance, you'll be in a more suitable mind frame to write. I also think that will only happen if you do what makes you happy. Anyways, sad to see you go buddy, was hoping for a collab before you vanished into the abyss, but oh well. 'til we meet again, right? Eh, and don't think this style of writing will get swept underneath the rug and be forgotten, I'll make sure it still has a pulse before I leave too. I see many prospects within the dirt here haha... who knows which one will rise from the ashes next?
    I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]


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  8. #8
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Re: emptied

    Quote Originally Posted by Jukon View Post
    Thanks rev. However it wasn't meant to be profound or deeper than what it is. This is my last open mic here, and probably my last written overall. Appreciate the feed.
    @Sammy I'm holding you to what you said
    my bad man, completely forgot about feeding. but the piece still resonates even after a few days. I hope your comment was hyperbole man because it will mos def be a lost. So on to the rap.

    I think what i find most valuable about this verse was the truth behind it. The struggle for value and worth is obviously one of man's greatest conflict and i see what you're doing here. The empty sentiments of "What the fuck am i still doing here or doing this" doesn't necessarily apply to my rap writing but more-so my current job and school lol, so the truth this rap spoke to me is stronger than you can imagine. I feel the initial props and praise, despite addictive to our primitive needs (the need for appreciation), even then it sort of fades into "so what?" The shit i'm worry about is what if i can never find reason to continue striving? Sometimes i'd wonder...is this a symptom of depression? i wouldn't know as i don't think i was ever depressed (maybe in a clinical sense but not consciously lol). So yea this was a great verse and i think i did a great job of handling the dilemma/despair that creeps in every now and then. salute sir.
    Last edited by Sammy; October 29th, 2015 at 05:09 PM

  9. #9
    SirVent
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    Re: emptied

    Appreciate the feed Cody n Sammy

    Will rtf tomorrow

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  10. #10
    SirVent
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    Re: emptied

    Last bump before I let this piece get pushed to page 2

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  11. #11
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    Re: emptied

    Quote Originally Posted by Jukon View Post
    Last bump before I let this piece get pushed to page 2
    aka the abyss
    I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]


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  12. #12
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    Re: emptied

    Damn, bro... This drop was dope!

    And a tiny bit depressing...lol

    But, yeah, it definitely resonated with me. I often think about writing something similar to this, but always struggle finding the words and eventually give up. One thing is for sure...you shouldn't give up. As corny as these forums are they serve a purpose. They're a place for people to share they're thoughts with others in an extremely creative way. There's drama and entertainment, bitterness and victory, even politics and propaganda. It's like a fuckin ... Ehhhh...I'm high AF

    I don't even feel like finishing that long winded analogy.

    So Speaking directly about the piece itself, I would say, it was well executed and communicated. In simple terms: just fuckin dope!

  13. #13
    Better. Kuhn's Avatar
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    Re: emptied

    In response to the regrettable question of whether you should post this, I'm happy you did.
    This was dope and actually had alot more meaning than I'm sure some of the people on here will understand fully, but you captured the fleeting thoughts and emotions that have taunted me more and more over the years of boarding these sites.
    This was an excellent read and I'm a bit surprised at how you were able to sum it all up since I read the first few parts awhile back.
    This life of writing and boarding can get tiresome but I hope you remain even if you can't seem to find your niche for awhile (even though writing about not being able to write seems like an exemplary way of showcasing your skills even if unknowingly so)

    This was dope bro, thanks for linkin me to it forreal.
    Keep it up man
    I.P.

  14. #14
    Newbie VERB-ATE-EM's Avatar
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    Re: emptied

    I really like this piece fam. "repeating the same words, mistreating each great verse-------Just pleading to get heard, misleading peers to hide hurt" that was so dope. keep writing, I want to see more
    "THE ONLY REASON YOU SAID FUCK ME, IS BECAUSE YOUR GIRL WOULD"

  15. #15
    Banned Rock girl's Avatar
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    Re: emptied

    This is one of the greatest drop I have read from you, this would be a prefect drop for people in struggle.
    Keep Dropping dopeness!

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