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Thread: let it change

  1. #1
    SirVent
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    let it change

    "Poetry is the rhythmical creation of beauty in words."
    -Edgar Allan Poe

    Every instant, followed by other
    succulent moments
    that get lost in the tidal waves goodbye.
    each rose, gets watered because the skies
    felt generous that day.

    the stones that we cast,
    etched with smiles and tears from the past.
    fossilized venom that spews
    hatred that reigns in a world of broken lullabies.

    the steps; that we grew to follow
    slowly dissipate and we're left
    to find meaning in hollow tree stumps
    where sap used to freely flow.

    what i'm saying is-
    things change, the gray clouds
    always leave. and all that's left
    is empty eyes, and withered shrouds
    of dignity.

    in the end, we're all replaceable
    and the stumps that we carved our
    initials into- will surely be cut down.
    and in it's place
    will sprout another life, one worth keeping alive.
    one worth more than mine.
    Last edited by Jukon; October 15th, 2015 at 10:59 PM

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Conceptual's Avatar
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    Re: let it change

    First poem I read in a while so I'm kindy rusty to judge. I intepret this something along the lines of inevitability, emptiness, acceptance and further. I think your use of symbolism was effective at revealing that.

    what i'm saying is-
    things change, the gray clouds
    always leave. and all that's left
    is empty eyes, and withered shrouds
    of dignity.

    ^^ That one was nicely phrased. As was the rest tho that one I felt hit the core of the topic.

  3. #3
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: let it change

    each rose, gets watered because the skies
    felt generous that day.
    fossilized venom that spews
    hatred that reigns in a world of broken lullabies.
    and we're left
    to find meaning in hollow tree stumps
    where sap used to freely flow.
    what i'm saying is-
    things change, the gray clouds
    always leave. and all that's left
    is empty eyes, and withered shrouds
    of dignity.
    in the end, we're all replaceable
    and the stumps that we carved our
    initials into- will surely be cut down.
    and in it's place
    will sprout another life, one worth keeping alive.
    one worth more than mine.
    Damn, I think I may have nearly quoted the whole thing.
    Firstly, your structure is interesting here. Most of us would leave the rhymes at the end,
    but you're able to follow through and continue the story and let the rhyme do its thing, middle of the next sentence,
    beginning of the next line, what not, you're able to do what you want, and you get away with it. Bit annoying really lol.

    Then there's the air these words breath. They seemed to be so elegantly placed, they float.
    A testament to the atmosphere you've built with imagery and tone backing it up.
    I like that you've got a bit of rhyme, but its not possessed by it.
    I like the free speech aspect, tipsy with a tad of rhyme for the sake of stunning sound.
    I also like the oppositional wording going on. The emotional factor. The way you cut me up with those last words. The pessimism.
    The way you talk about nature and mix and mingle emotions in between, weaving elements of loss and, before you know it, a new beginning is born.
    I really like this.
    I like its rawness, its honesty, it's vulnerability.
    Vulnerability is so damn sexy.


    I like it.


    Top Read.

    Thank you Jukon.


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  4. #4
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    Re: let it change

    I wish I can write like this lol

    fuck.

    hatred that reigns in a world of broken lullabies.


    That's like 5 of my bars refined into half of a shortbar >_<

    I know this isn't feed, I just wanted to leave a comment.... this was wonderful to read tho.
    I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]


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