Sam

[Emily]

Sam
sat in her car

The door of the house
had a sticky note

‘Back in 5’

So…

I waited

And…

…we talked

I didn’t know
my friend had a sad sister

…“The glass is always half full.”… I said
and
for seven years she smiled though

preferred to be dead

The glass smashed
right after that

and Sam was never
half again

Ivory skin
Jet black hair
Antarctic eyes
Crystal clear
Like Snow and Sea

Sam…
was shy

She even looked - beautiful
with a noose around her neck

hanging

Ballerina forever in thin air
Frozen in my mind’s time

Thawing me
with her Free twirl

She was...surreal

Coffee table near
Wine
Brie
Camembert and crackers

Blur

And dust

dancing around




her















http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ds-of-Darkness
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...Banksy-Edition

[Jukon]

Some of your wording still surprises me, I know you're good with wording but I unno, sometimes you really break those expectations. Crisp, tight wording, and the word choice itself is great. I feel like the seven years/ glass smashed was a play on the "break a mirror and get 7 years bad luck" something along those lines.

She even looked - beautiful
with a noose around her neck

hanging

Ballerina forever in thin air
Frozen in my mind’s time

Thawing me
with her Free twirl

^^that part tho, how everything molds together. Solid imagery here, you really paint the vivid picture.

I liked this Em. Good post

[Zen the Dude]

This was great because it was different. I like to see that you're not just doing the same thing everyone else here is doing. It's refreshing. Anyway, the writing itself was cool (the story, too), but there were still a few words here and there that I would take out. Like I would take out "mind's" in the line Jukon quoted above. The fewer words you use the more it works to ME, I don't know about anyone else, but I liked this overall.

[_Lyrics]

Wow the end of this poem was very powerful with its imagery! Comparing her hanging to a ballerina was pretty dark and had a great metaphorical shock to it. The foreshadowing, was slight, but forecasted her deep depressive state in a satirical way. I like this type of free form emily. It drew me in deep and didnt take me in any unwanted directions. Even her coffe table spoke some about her life style. This was a beautiful piece emily.

[Fatrick Swayze]

"and sam was never half again"

dam that was just beautiful writing. that phrase captured so much imagery and so much emotion.
i enjoyed this from top to bottom. i can dig the storytelling vibe you got going. the back and forth
could of been a little more clearly but thats pretty much it for me...this was cool. ohh i gotta tell you
im not a fan on your structure but your writing surpasses that everytime...dont know what thats worth lol

great post holmes

[Howls]

ant
arctic
eyes
was
like a flower
that pops up
when pressed down

[TeLePaThY]

its sick but in a real way. I like how I could see it so clearly. Some of the words were not needed but some of the words were what I was looking for, this showed me what you saw. Looking forward to reading more of what you have to say.

[143]

I think that you captured a real situation and created this Natalie Portman-ish Black Swan character. The innocence was a figure standing in the shadows of despair and maybe I am reading it wrong but suicide playing its part in this as well. The mix of it all was more of a darker tone I have seen from you but I am loving this and wanting another bite of the apple.

[AFox]

You're quite talented, Emily.

Not only is it playing with the darker side of a human being, and suicide, yet the undertones seem so romantic. That's how I read it, anyway. You didn't use many words, however the scene and the story is so detailed in my mind. Goosebumps. I swear, up and down my skin.
Bravo!

[Tempest]

Interesting poem. I feel like some of the spaces made it a bit awkward as well as the structure itself. Made for some awkward pauses and jumps. Overall though there's nothing else to complain about. Wording was pretty on point and besides the pauses, the flow was decent. I liked it, just a few kinks to sort out. Keep writing.

[English]

Interesting poem. I feel like some of the spaces made it a bit awkward as well as the structure itself. Made for some awkward pauses and jumps. Overall though there's nothing else to complain about. Wording was pretty on point and besides the pauses, the flow was decent. I liked it, just a few kinks to sort out. Keep writing.

lol you know absolutely nothing about anything you fucking idiot. fuck off.

as for this shit: tits or gtfo.

this was quite good, but might have been better executed as a conceit. the wintry motif - i would say begun with 'glass' - is carried thematically by the words: ivory, antarctic, crystal, snow, frozen, thawing, even dust (to a lesser extent) -- of course. it works, and combines to conjure a potent image of a ballerina-come-whirling-dervish framed by a snow globe. the phrasing 'thin air' was excellent, if written for the reason i think you did (and even if you didn't, tbh). now, the coffee table does give a brief glimpse into behavioural habits, perhaps, if you want to glean that - i don't - i view its mention as a grounding of the surreal, yet disquieting serenity of the pivotal (quite literally, too) scene before it. also curious is the idea the experience somehow benefits the speaker in thawing them. that was interesting. pretty good. i'm impressed.

come to mine. i'll read you the poetry i never post online.

[whoami]

Firstly, I love the chaotic structure. Semblances of creativity of this nature really appeal to me when they are unique, ubiquitous even, and still easily readable. The story you paint in the beginning is interesting, suspenseful, leaving me wondering what to expect next. It is so corporeal, relatively easy for the reader to relate to what is taking place. I absolutely love this description here:

Ivory skin
Jet black hair
Antarctic eyes
Crystal clear
Like Snow and Sea

Your diction, imagery, structure, and simile are all spot on. This is pure poetry in my eyes. The "Antarctic eyes / Crystal clear / Like Snow and Sea" really got me. Such a beautiful description of a beautiful person. At least the image conjured in my head is that of a gorgeous ass goddess. Such a shame that such a beautiful being took a turn for the worse. These lines were excellent as well:

Ballerina forever in thin air
Frozen in my mind’s time

Very clever wording with a very powerful image. You did everything right in crafting these sentences.

The ending with the "dust dancing around her" was also a very powerful image. I cannot find a single fault with this poem. This is really deep, again another piece that is a true definition of poetry. You have a gift with words, my lady. I am also a big fan of your work and will for sure keep my eyes peeled for your name in the future. Great writing once again.

We will have to collaborate some time if at all interested. =]