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Thread: Sunday

  1. #1

    Sunday

    Take me back to Sunday
    running through the trees,
    and talking to them each.
    Like they were you or me.

    I liked how it used to be.
    Young and too naïve.
    It all was new to me.
    Calming, truth-fully.

    Somewhere along the way,
    how we got lost, I don’t know.
    Even on the coldest days
    we had an island with no coast.

    How I miss those moments. Hey,
    the time it sure has flown.
    Take me back to Sunday
    for the silence that was our own.

    Maybe I can’t see the sunshine
    look as sweet as it once did,
    or those leaves with butterflies
    sweep within the wind.

    But maybe in another life
    I’ll be able to see them again.
    Like they’re old friends.
    Wake me when it begins.

  2. #2
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    Re: Sunday

    I liked this, sparked a reminder of my youth, thank you.

  3. #3
    wyrdsmyth Karaoshi's Avatar
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    Re: Sunday

    Not bad. I enjoyed the first stanza a lot, it was powerful in its simplicity. The "truthfully" in the second stanza felt very awkward and forced, obviously just there to continue the rhyme scheme. I'm sure with a bit of thinking you could have come up with a better way to close that stanza. Biggest issue this piece has is that the rhyme scheme changes awkwardly, and without symmetry in the piece overall. 1 stanza of ABBB rhyming, then one of BBBB, then 2 of ACAC, then one of DFDF, then one of DGGG. There's no continuity, the rhyme scheme is all over the place. The meter got a bit choppy in parts too, which is very noticeable in this type of 'singsong' style meter. The content in this piece I actually loved, the story and how you described the nostalgia for youthful jubilance was beautiful.

  4. #4
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: Sunday

    Alright Zen, reading this for the third time and feeding it for the second.

    Like I said originally, I love the feeling this leaves me with. It reminds me of something I wrote awhile back. To miss, is powerful. I feel like this poem sort of represents how humans slump missing things together, we miss that time, with those people, and that smell which takes us right back to it. Or that song that was playing, etc. So obviously I feel like emotion was portrayed well here. Some of the less impacting words repeating like maybe harmed the quality. Even if you were trying to give the reader the impression of uncertainty I think there is a better way to do so. I liked the imagery, it wasn't overpowering but was an asset to the piece.

    The execution may not have been the absolute best but in taking this for what it is, I enjoyed the read several times over.

  5. #5

    Re: Sunday

    Stick to your paragraph formatt

    This doesnt feel organic to your vibe
    Well written. At points it got too simple and
    A bit cliche.

    I love too

  6. #6

    Re: Sunday

    i was hung up on the stop and go of the structured meter from the beginning. for some reason to me that type of format comes of as disingenuous and cold. that's just how it reads for me personally in my mind at least. content wise i struggled with this one a bit too. it was straight forward and simple which can be amazing.. but this went back and forth between feeling like a hybrid of a traditional japanese haiku with all the connections to nature, and a anniversary hallmark card with the sappier metaphors for the connection between yourself and this other entity. the piece in the end feels like maybe something that is more so written a personal piece just to say whats on your mind rather than writing conscious with a reader in mind. in that sense the content was clear. i just feel like there was more heart around this piece that needed to be tied into it to have a reader really get involved.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  7. #7
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Sunday

    I liked where you were going with the Sunday theme.
    Though I think that it didn't sound as organic as most of the stuff I read from you does Zen.
    It felt a little shallow even though you were deep. I think that may have been due to some rhyming that, imo in a piece like this, I didn't think was needed.
    I would have loved this piece to not have rhymed because I think the msg would have sounded more original. With the rhyme going through it sounded a little bit like a simple song.
    I liked the imagery you had going. I thought that nostalgia was evident and clear and took the reader to that place we all know but I missed the unique nature that you normally have in your written
    work. This seems more across the board, something you've never been. I think the fact that the first two stanzas rhymed with the same sound, took away from the piece for me.
    It got a bit repetitive. I really liked your first line. Simple and sweet.
    Sunday says a lot without needing to.
    Just that one word evokes so many emotions from people.
    I also really liked this ...

    "...Take me back to Sunday
    for the silence that was our own...."

    and...

    "Wake me when it begins." ---Nice.

    I liked the theme, I liked certain directions you went with this,
    but it needed something more to grasp my interest more and
    suck me into your imagination, and keep me there a little longer.

    Keep dropping.
    I'd like to read more poetry from you Zen.

    And btw, you're the cool one. But thanks for the compliment.
    Last edited by Emily; April 6th, 2015 at 08:45 AM

  8. #8
    It's Good... FOR US Not N Nice's Avatar
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    Re: Sunday

    Really like the innocence approach to it!!
    For me, it derives thoughts of the 'toughness' of adulthood thru the mind of
    Reminiscing childhood & minimal responsibilities... Good one
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  9. #9
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    Re: Sunday

    read this again and to me this reads like a country song. I write music not just poems so this piece makes perfect sense to me, Only one or two places where this doesn't work as a song. And again it takes me back to that place. I hope to read more from you, don't get discouraged by what people want from you, your job is not to conform to there taste, as an artist your job is to be yourself. I appreciate you for that

  10. #10

    Re: Sunday

    I like to harken back to those days of old, when innocence roamed and we knew the contours of our home. Being older, I rarely take the time to appreciate where I live, the endearing aspects of a trustworthy setting, a place where adventure can be had and security can be felt, simultaneously.

    "Even on the coldest days
    we had an island with no coast."

    Youthful escapism is what I took from this interesting line.

    Thanks for the read.
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