hey there, lonely

[Zen the Dude]

Hey, there. It’s been awhile.
Does it matter that I’ve missed you?
Even though we scattered,
I never fathomed I'd forget you.
We’re such a mismatch.
In fact, I’m maddest when I’m with you,
but that doesn’t change the happiness
we imagined that we lived through.
You see, love turned to madness.
We became addicts.
I was smoking your breath –
‘till we turned to ashes taking tokes to our death.
Then there came the crash.
We’re emotional wrecks.
Quick, step on the gas as we coast in the ditch.

We walk along the sidewalk,
keeping our space.
Reminiscing on the past,
that dream with a face.
Her’s, mine, close.
Sleeping for days.
Seeing with eyes closed a peace we escaped.

What could it hurt? One more ride.
Hey, I believe we were made
to cut ties so we could see what it takes.
In time we’ll be just fine,
and I think it’ll be a piece of cake.
Here, cut you a slice.
Eat and be ate.

[Fatrick Swayze]

I liked it better in its original structure. feels more natural to the flow
you created. this wad still outstanding second time around.

you write alot of poetry?

this is inno by the way.

[English]

pretty good. enjoyed the cadence as the rhythm in this was palpable. there's something a bit obvious about your poetry - even though i don't entirely know if you're talking to yourself/an abstract (drug)/musing on the inevitably of self-destruction - which i say without disrespect. it's not flowery nor ethereal wisps of highfalutin verbiage trying to be something it isn't/to affect a greater importance than is -- and that's really good. core cutting. at the same time i want an element of intrigue or something that is generally trickier.

I was smoking your breath –
‘till we turned to ashes taking tokes to our death.
Then there came the crash.
We’re emotional wrecks.

the first two lines were lovely, while the follow up flirts too closely with being cliched and basic (though it probably wasn't literal).

keep it going.

it's not inno btw.

[Fatrick Swayze]

lol

[English]

you my nig Fat Benatar

i just didn't want him thinking i was innovator

rip mitch hedberg - dude was hilarious.

[Zen the Dude]

Wait, which one of you is inno?

[P. Mortuus]

Interesting. Up front and basic language. The good thing about using basic language is that it's easier to create a carefree and more relatable voice for the reader. I can connect more with this guy than a woe is me Shakespearean sonnet. Anyhow, this was interesting for what it was. Some good ideas, some ideas touched upon but never thoroughly explored.

Really and truly, this was short and sweet. That would have been my feedback but of course that would've been inadequate.