The Ballad of Spartacus

[DixonButts]

So, you've made your way thru burdens;
Laid waste to snakes and serpents.
Survived the plague, and the fray and come what may
With the blade we've furnished.
Elevated this day, you've been bathed in the squirmish.

I...

AM....

SPARTACUS!!!

You take this name and claim your purpose.
Break your taming, embrace your training and rake the furnace!
But to stake your claim; one must first break the surface...
And nay a lame leg and burned shirtless
Could make you thank the day you heard this...
Appreciate the way we once were worthless, in the most absurd way...
Like on the third day of a worldly melee
While the earth was purged by rain,
Erasing away our perfect stain.
As if the God's had turned the page and burned any remains while blurred by rage.
All that's remained was a burning hate, then spurred by pain, they turned away.
We assured our fate when we learned their ways...
And as burros bray did persons pray
Them disconcerned, it was heard the same.
And the worst came when as Olympus shook and Atlas shrugged.
They attacked with a grudge, fast and dumb, like tactless thugs.
Metal and meat clashed and hummed, til the battle was done and at last...

We'd won.

We'd slashed and we swung and so fast did they run that the tracks that they slung were amassed as a sum of fire we brung back to summit, manufactured an axe, and swung it to attack the sun!
He shouted thru the showers for the mountains to come;
And they heard his pleas as he was surely beat.
With hurried feet and armed to the teeth,
then forever turned green, envious of our furied feats.
Now, they remain maimed by grief. See,
Humans....
Eternally notorious, Spartacus faced Gods and emerged victorious for home.
And he alone furiously owns that day, and THAT'S the way his story is told.

ALL HAIL SPARTACUS!! CHAMPION OF EARTH, SLAYER OF GODS!!

[ILLunatic]

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[Emily]

So good to see you drop.
So good to see the theme.
I'm on my phone so I'll feed this when
I get on my pc.

[Emily]

So, this intro is good. Lol.
I love the first word.
And check that flow!
It’s an awesome intro.



“So, you've made your way thru burdens;
Laid waste to snakes and serpents.
Survived the plague, and the fray and come what may
With the blade we've furnished.
Elevated this day, you've been bathed in the squirmish.

I...

AM....

SPARTACUS!!!”.



Oh man, that’s awesome. When I read that, it’s like I’m watching the movie lol.
I see the characters.
You do a good job building a scene with the era.
You create thick atmosphere which helps our imagery in leaps and bounds.
We don’t have to work, we see.
You do a great job injecting continuous scenes into the readers mind. Your words are descriptive.
Your rhymes are good. I thought at one stage a vowel sound seemed a bit tedious, but you then switched it up.
I like this. It’s a powerful piece.
The flow was good, but those builds you have, they’re amazing. The audience can feel that.
It’s good to read and feed a piece of yours again, and give a piece of my opinion lol.
You have something unique, even with a topic that’s not.

Top Read

Do it again.
lol

[BeLoved Warlock]

If he did this good with spartacus he should do Hades or Kratos from god of war. Fucking awesome is all i got to say and good work. For real do one on Hades and the underworld pls

[Venom]

It is a surprise this has not recieved more feed. I'm not really that up on this sort of topic in saying that i mean i don't know enough about it to really critique that portion of it so i'm going to assume it's accurate and judge the technical side of it, which i gotta say i liked quite a bit. You're rhyme scheme in this seems like an extremely fun one to mess with actually and if i'm to be quite honest would shit on alot of the stuff in the open mic right now technically speaking.

What i don't like is how short it is and that you don't seem to put much emphasis on keeping you're bars even in syllable count..i think if you did keep it close at the very least in syllable count it would be a smoother read. I see you string together some nice lines man but you get a bit carried away in how you display that. All just personal opinion i guess. Either way i enjoyed it more than i didn't. I'd like to see something like this with a good effort being made to keep those syllables in check. Good shit. Keep writing bro. peace.

[Venom]

Just realized i cannot edit my comment so thats why the additional post.

In case you don't know what i mean by syllable count(sure you do)

You take this name and claim your purpose.
^8 syllables
Break your taming, embrace your training and rake the furnace!
^14 syllables



and down here you go way out into space with syllables

We'd slashed and we swung and so fast did they run that the tracks that they slung were amassed as a sum of fire we brung back to summit, manufactured an axe, and swung it to attack the sun!

Now i'm trying to imagine this spit to a track...i stopped counting at 20 syllables(at amassed i believe)..
You'd have to be pretty verbally athletic to spit this and land on que for a snare to make this work...so i suppose not impossible
probably not the best way to display it for text. Just my two cents.

When i write i try to stay at 12 syllables per line(usually) although i've had my long bar days too.

[DixonButts]

Thanks for the feed. @Venom the style fucked up in posting, there are some dramatic pauses and rapid s through out.
@Cai wtf you been?

[Venom]

Thanks for the feed. @Venom the style fucked up in posting, there are some dramatic pauses and rapid s through out.
@Cai wtf you been?

All Good. Still Enjoyed. I hate to do this but since you want to free post over and over and argue about abiding by the two link rule. Closed until you've p.m'd me links. @OutWrite