The Thesis

[Spoken]

In sense.. I feel lost
But my third eye is patched from savagery.
What if we made mankind worse; horrific.
A pending notice for last calls. Death and beauty.
What if I couldn't change my mind and you had to suffer.
These words are real but the emotion has plundered.

A thesis of he,
masking a burden, contrived.
my end; yours to keep

In light... I'm nothing more than a cost
A status quo of confinement that none derives to accomplish.
What if we all made the right choice; no more demons.
Diabolic enzymes captivating us on our soil of fresh starts.
Mended wounds are succulent when wanted to be seen.
Tho that seems as a dream it's the purest form of me.

[ILLunatic]

ATTENTION @Mister Write,

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[Fatrick Swayze]

good to have you back homie.

[Spoken]

Sup fatt... glad to be back

[Spoken]

@Laureate @Atti @Jukon @Jamhuri @143 @Moniker

I haven't written I a long time and I'm on my phone all the time so I write from it as well lol so sorry if some words sound dumb or what not

Let me know how I did for a short return

[Karaoshi]

Having just written a thesis, this piece speaks to me lol

First thing, straight up I have a gripe: In sense. In a sense? I feel like that 'a' needs to be there for grammar's sake. Moving on, I love the second line. Great concept contained therein, very nicely put. The rest of the stanza felt a little directionless tbh, like you didn't really have a solid concept, and just kinda waffled off some what if's and some half-fleshed out thoughts with no particular connection. It felt like muttered rambling, basically. Love the haiku in the middle. Great way to break up the piece, not just by stanza but by format as well, thought that was a cool idea. The third stanza is where you got to your point, but like the first stanza it felt a little rambly. Could just be the "what if" thing that's grating me. Overall, the haiku in the middle is the most complete part of the piece, and acts as the fulcrum for two rambling stanzas which seem to be going back and forwards with conjecture. I liked it, but thought it needed more stability via a clearer direction or train of thought.

[Spoken]

Thanks @Soul_Purpose appreciate it yeah still knocking the rust

[Emily]

I like the scattered thoughts, littered without connection.
I like the light nature of these ramblings.
I would have liked a balance of syllables in the intro line.
Makes sense to leave the ‘a’ in, imo, not only for the syllables,
but also because it sounds, sound.

“But my third eye is patched from savagery.”

What a wonderfully full line.
It is an entire story.
Nice.
There’s more great lines.

“A thesis of he,
masking a burden, contrived.
my end; yours to keep…”

“In light... I'm nothing more than a cost…”

“Diabolic enzymes captivating us on our soil of fresh starts….”

“Mended wounds are succulent when wanted to be seen…”

“Tho that seems as a dream it's the purest form of me.”

That last line, your outro, is beautiful.
Bit of punctuation and Grammatik’s lol, here and there.


I think this piece is very interesting and shows an intriguing train of thought.
I also liked the heavy atmosphere.

Good job Mr. Write.
Nice rust.

[Spoken]

Thanks for a little ramble of mine appreciate the look

[143]

I feel the strong emotions of pity here almost like a soul that is on the verge of giving up. The emotional movements in this really stands out. The outlook of never becoming what a certain person is expecting then adding the dreams and hope through the melancholy to further highlight the despair is a cool and interesting move. As in brevity it doesn't lack the depth that you were looking for and I thought if it was any longer you would be drowning in the same pool. Good write

[Ntalek.]

this shit was mad wack...wtf are you hugging rainbows and shit lmfao...nah but seriously..

the emotion was felt through and through..you did a good job of wording besides what soul pointed out.....it needed that A to give that line the maximum affect...other than that i felt as though this was a good read...the in light part really shined on this drop no pun intended...but that's what brung this piece together imo...it was all solid i would break it down more but i just wanna read more pieces and enjoy my beer...good read though...

[Spoken]

Thanks @143 and @Ntalek.

[Jukon]

This was cool man. A rambling? Sure, but still packed with emotion and great ideas. I have to agree about the missing word 'A' but I'm thinking it was purposeful and with reason. There's not much to touch on since it was so short. The last bit; the third stanza was my favorite. Great wording and awesome word choices in general. Vocabs up there man. Anyway, overall I liked it. No grievances aside from what I already mentioned. Good job. Sorry feed isn't longer, just didn't find much to talk about.

[memoir]

good to see you back Write. this was a cool little piece. I enjoyed the flow of it. and the subtle rhyme scheme you had going on. the last stanza was dope, love the first line. 'I'm nothing more than cost' because right now, so many people will feel that way. great piece and you did a great job here.

[Hooligan]

This is nice. I'd imagine if World War Z or Zombie Survival Guide were rewritten in poetry. They'd sound like this. I know your piece had nothing to do with the undead but if you've read those you'd understand what I mean in the sense of narration. Liked it a lot��