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Thread: CONFESS

  1. #1
    Esquire. Mr. Black's Avatar
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    CONFESS

    /


    i've been wishing for a perfect moment. maybe it's now
    patient denial. sit in solitude and wait for a sound.
    save me a smile for when it's over and we're back at the house
    fight and claw then fuck so that it balances out
    i feel manic one moment and then i'm somber the next
    that center-point's the closest thing to God I've accepted
    beautiful in hateful times, chaotic at best
    slide 3 coins into the slot so i can call you collect
    i've watched my circle turn to addicts, dealers and lawyers
    as the drippy sun drops behind a field of sequoias
    searched for solace in the sciences and fell in the cracks
    lit a candle for my fallen love and melted the wax
    I'm centered, self-centrifugal and selfish at that
    it takes a lot of chemicals to help me relax
    self-awareness is the devil's romance, salty her flesh
    summer dusk, graveyard passages. so foggy our breath
    that it stuck to our exchanges as we talked of resent
    until we reached the parking lot and parted. confess
    your secret inner monologues or live with a ghost
    like moldy bacterium on a cellular host
    infection, she wrote. grab my wrist and check for a pulse
    let the silence sink and watch me float..
    i feel like i don't even know my friends anymore
    more alone than ever as they enter the door
    lighter flame and bottle glass and trips to the store
    sweating icy bullets as the temperature soars
    betwixt our stories long-distorted like olympian lore
    we fantasized in unison of treasures galore
    bloodletter platelet perforation festering sores
    moi cheri amore. i love you but there has to be more
    comfort is a luxury we've taken for granted
    i'd trade it all away for just a taste of enchantment
    necromantic my dossier, documental the curse
    which is likely the reason i've never finished a verse





    BLACK
    I'm here to break my own ball and chain..

  2. #2
    Esquire. Mr. Black's Avatar
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    I'm here to break my own ball and chain..

  3. #3
    Esquire. Mr. Black's Avatar
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    I'm here to break my own ball and chain..

  4. #4
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: CONFESS

    This comes across as a state of actuality.
    The details give the verse some verisimilitude and it hits that emotional high.
    That intro is nice. I like the unsure nature the writer conveys,
    showing a vulnerable side that entices me as a reader.

    “sit in solitude and wait for a sound.
    save me a smile for when it's over and we're back at the house
    fight and claw then fuck so that it balances out…”

    I like the authenticity of these words, giving me more to think about
    than just expressing an idealistic or notional idea, it’s raw and real.

    There’s so much I could quote in this. I find it really beautiful.
    I’m not sure I’ve read your work before Mr. Black, but I’ll definitely make
    Sure to look out for more. I like the ying-yang factor you have going with
    The contradictions, I love contradictions, the hot and cold of wording
    Never gets old when it’s done well. You talk for example of the manic moments
    That turn somber the next. “beautiful in hateful times, chaotic at best…” And so on.
    “i've watched my circle turn to addicts, dealers and lawyers…” More of the same,
    With the addicts, dealers and lawyers all in one bar, meshing in the cess pit.

    “searched for solace in the sciences and fell in the cracks
    lit a candle for my fallen love and melted the wax
    I'm centered, self-centrifugal and selfish at that
    it takes a lot of chemicals to help me relax…”

    These are probably my favourite lines. The flow and rhymes are
    Smooth and the imagery helps that atmosphere you build.
    Beautiful lines.

    “moi cheri amore. i love you but there has to be more
    comfort is a luxury we've taken for granted
    i'd trade it all away for just a taste of enchantment
    necromantic my dossier, documental the curse
    which is likely the reason i've never finished a verse”

    The faithfulness to realistic detail is a star in this piece. Plus the rhyme and flow of course.
    Putting highs and lows out there to be dissected and ripped apart.
    Showing that you’ve done it yourself, before the reader gets a chance lol, smart move.
    I love it. Those last lines I’ve quoted just prove the fact that you have no one to impress, bar yourself.
    To me, you come across as an honest writer who goes full boar, no limits with emotion,
    while maintaining a sense of sophistication in the wording. This piece imo, came across as polished and refined.
    There’s an elegant style and finesse, even though you talk harsh subject matter at times.

    I admire your savoir faire lol.


    Great read.


    Ps) I love the way this went out. That last line was great. Top job.
    Last edited by Emily; September 23rd, 2014 at 10:02 PM


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  5. #5
    Esquire. Mr. Black's Avatar
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    Re: CONFESS

    You. I like you

    Many thanks, Emily. You read the way I would like to write if that makes any sense.

    Also I think the only vs I have on here now is in that collab with split. "Elysium"
    I'm here to break my own ball and chain..

  6. #6
    Ars Longa Vita Brevis English's Avatar
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    Re: CONFESS

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Black View Post

    i've been wishing for a perfect moment. maybe it's now
    patient denial. sit in solitude and wait for a sound.

    is vibration. silence is a nigh myth though, for us urbanites it might exist only relatively.

    save me a smile for when it's over and we're back at the house
    fight and claw then fuck so that it balances out

    patient detail/save me a smile. cute. i sometimes wonder where the masochism stems from. mildly prurient

    i feel manic one moment and then i'm somber the next
    that center-point's the closest thing to God I've accepted

    that was a dope idea - just trying to find a balance.

    beautiful in hateful times, chaotic at best
    slide 3 coins into the slot so i can call you collect

    ok.

    i've watched my circle turn to addicts, dealers and lawyers
    as the drippy sun drops behind a field of sequoias

    sequoias bothered me, momentarily, not because i didn't know what it was (though i don't, but 'plant' is a safe assumption, probably a tree (or flower)) but i couldn't pronounce it. yet it's rare for you to un-rhyme couplets. dense of me. i thought 'drippy sun' was awkward if not for:

    searched for solace in the sciences and fell in the cracks
    lit a candle for my fallen love and melted the wax

    it relating, more than vaguely, to the burning candle. this was an excellent pair of lines. really concise. well, at least brief and dense, though not necessarily clear. phrases are succinct when you're educated enough to pluck their meaning, and it's not always a matter of intelligence, often just disposition. but yea.

    I'm centered, self-centrifugal and selfish at that
    it takes a lot of chemicals to help me relax

    probably the reason i'm having panic attacks.

    self-awareness is the devil's romance, salty her flesh
    summer dusk, graveyard passages. so foggy our breath

    do not like salty her flesh - as in a descriptor for its taste? - i liked foggy our breath.

    that it stuck to our exchanges as we talked of resent
    until we reached the parking lot and parted. confess

    nice. sticking to exchanges... i fux with zis.

    your secret inner monologues or live with a ghost
    like moldy bacterium on a cellular host
    infection, she wrote. grab my wrist and check for a pulse
    let the silence sink and watch me float..

    you're so fond of mold. and reprising the phrase '... she wrote' with a different prefix? obscure metaphor threading through a few of your pieces. not enough to be consistent. i like references to one's own catalog, even if i rarely employ. it's conceited and self-insistent but as natural as our PULSE. less rhyme-centric.

    i feel like i don't even know my friends anymore
    more alone than ever as they enter the door

    the crowd is where the recluse feels most alone. on his own he is home.

    lighter flame and bottle glass and trips to the store
    sweating icy bullets as the temperature soars

    the antipode of fire and ice was, at most, a passing reference.

    betwixt our stories long-distorted like olympian lore
    we fantasized in unison of treasures galore
    bloodletter platelet perforation festering sores
    moi cheri amore. i love you but there has to be more

    you wandered a bit here and i didn't mind it. i couldn't decide on one of two definitions for blood-letter. mon chéri amour as my beurette-ex would lead me to belief.

    comfort is a luxury we've taken for granted
    i'd trade it all away for just a taste of enchantment

    mistaking decay for mere stasis.

    necromantic my dossier, documental the curse
    which is likely the reason i've never finished a verse

    lol. i would have liked to expound more, but this is a solid last salvo.
    this felt a bit more personal (and maybe) cathartic than i'm used to seeing from you, while still coloured by your tropes and literary tendencies. it was an enjoyable read. i don't read you, or anyone, a lot anymore, and i'm not certain why... i'm not leaving or anything, not indefinitely at least, but some of your insights on my work - over the years - have been tremendous and of significant benefit to me as a writer, maybe [negligibly] as a person, too, seeing as the two (should) relate heavily. not even sure why i'm sharing that, but word. putting it out there. good show, old chap.
    Last edited by English; September 28th, 2014 at 06:16 PM Reason: not entirely sober

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  7. #7
    AJ The Menace Echelon's Avatar
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    Re: CONFESS

    You're a gifted writer, Blacketh. I don't really have any qualms with your writing, in a way. It's eccentric in value, and holds a good balance of rhyming and narrative. Nothing to really take away from this. The 'drippy sun' part was good, and was a shinning moment for you. I enjoyed this conscious narrative you portrayed beforehand to the crowd. Was quite riveting, and digestible as you are clearly talented. Nice job telling us what's going on, talking about your friends; your distance from them; and your eccentric perspective on value. I don't see anything wrong with this. In order to expand your narrative language, I suggest reading some of the classics; like Dante' and, Poe. But this was good. You've found your niche', and I enjoy it. Good work, keep writing!

  8. #8

    Re: CONFESS

    This was an extraordinary piece! The volume that it produced gave such depth among any boundaries of reading literature. I definitely enjoyed the impact if useful words like "drippy" and so forth. Detail brings a picture to life so that the reader can compose themselves into a perspective storyline. Good usage of vocabulary that was needed in the right areas too. Nothing negative to say about this just keep writing wherever you may be currently. Good read poet.
    The end of a Revelation.... But a Clever Word always illustrated.

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