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Thread: Freshly Bitten

  1. #1
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    Freshly Bitten


    Details
    Freshly Bitten

    Rushing through the night-time,
    Hunting the ultimate prey.
    Some might call it a ghastly crime,
    I just call it a game.
    Darkness breaking around me.
    Maddening, the scent of blood,
    Following the crimson trail.
    My lust for death I must obey,
    As I track my doomed prey.
    This lust, this malady,
    I must, I must, I must,
    Fulfill, sate, and satisfy.
    Knowing that soon I will die,
    Will leave this earthly shell,
    Descend down into Hell,
    I surely will:
    I know now why I kill.
    The animal in me
    Speaks to me
    Daily, nightly.
    It tells me to kill,
    It tells that if I will,
    That I will never die.
    But the human part of me,
    The part that you can't see,
    Knows that someday I as well will perish.
    I as well will ride the River Styx,
    In a boat poled by Charon,
    I will fulfill my victims' dying wish.
    But all of this, I think,
    Is for the best.
    I deserve to die, as do all monsters,
    Animals, killers.
    But perhaps, I'm not the beast I perceive
    In the mottled mirrored surface
    Covered with floating leaves.
    I see the humanity in my eyes,
    Animal though I am.
    I see something soft,
    But quickly replaced with the visual
    Stench
    Of evil.
    I am less than human,
    Or perhaps more?
    I do not know.
    Death awaits for all who tread
    In hell, for all who join the devil
    And his demons in crusade.
    Now I flee, for the lights of people
    Searching for their loved ones gone astray,
    Must I flee forever now,
    Flee until the end of time,
    For I cannot stop the carnage
    I have started,
    Nor can Death.
    I take my last breath
    As a human being,
    I shed my final human tear


    To be continued.................




    Last edited by Details; August 7th, 2014 at 10:10 PM

  2. #2
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  3. #3
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    Last edited by Details; August 7th, 2014 at 10:34 PM

  4. #4
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    Re: Freshly Bitten

    Links dropped now bring the feed...

  5. #5

    Re: Freshly Bitten

    Rushing through the night-time,
    Hunting the ultimate prey.
    Some might call it a ghastly crime,
    I just call it a game.
    ^Right when I read this I felt there was something wrong with it, and I knew instantly it was the last line. "I just call it a game", there's nothing wrong with it per se, but I see lost potential there. "I call it just a game" instead flows cleaner to me, and it makes it a multi, albeit a bit of a forced multi.

    Towards the middle, near the River Styx area, you began to hit your stride. The words bounced along as I read them, the rhythm you were going for was very easy to pick up, and that made this an easy read. I look forward to the next chapter.

  6. #6

    Re: Freshly Bitten

    ^ "i would say it's game"
    would be the fluent correction i would say.

    anyway. this piece had it's strengths and it's weaknesses. personally i would have like to of seen this without the meter. at times if fell like you sacrificed word choice and placement for the same of the meter, which creates a choppy ride for the reader. lines like:

    My lust for death I must obey,
    As I track my doomed prey.


    specifically. it reads to me that you thought of the ending of line two before you considered the first section of the line. so it feels a bit abrupt. i think my point is proved by the later half the of the poem. which was my favorite. down towards the end the piece became way less focus on meter and i think your subject matter was able to shine through a lot more.

    [i]I take my last breath
    As a human being,
    I shed my final human tear[i]

    again a bit of an issue with word placement. the second 'human' isn't needed really since you already make the allusion in the line prior. but this was a good shot at using some more ol' timey language to match the historic nature of the vampire in general. pretty straight forward piece with a general description, and you tried to get into the emotions and conflict within this person who has to kill what he used to be sustain who he is now. keep at it man.


    if you could,
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...he-moon-s-eyes
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  7. #7
     
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    Re: Freshly Bitten

    I'd say the title of this poem is accurate. Bitten. Closed.
    ...

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