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Thread: "Unfurgettable"

  1. #1
    BRB, Jumping Ship Baron Mynd's Avatar
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    Icon35 "Unfurgettable"

    "Unfurgettable"

    Tossing the hair that framed her pallid cheeks,
    “We’re off to the fair!” she claimed ecstatically.
    Her name was Natalie. “Waddaya say?!”
    I lay back passively, lost in her gaze.
    “C’mon ‘cause we’re late!” I jumped to her side
    where her mom was there waiting for us to arrive.
    With a tut and a sigh and a slam of the door
    Nat’s clutching me tight by the hand as we walk.
    My eyes cast to the floor as we’re taking strides
    until standing before us is a cascade of light.
    Illuminated rides shriek upward and plummet
    as Natalie takes her time to summon her courage.
    She looks at me worried, pulls me next to herself,
    as much for encouragement as anything else.
    She leapt as a yell of giddy excitement
    had then been dispelled by the kiddies behind us.
    She was a little bit frightened but climbed up to pay
    the ticket provider while the ride was delayed.
    The silence became ever more harkening too
    with what was lying in wait as we started to move.
    Darkness consumed both carriage and track
    and harsher it grew to a gradual black.
    We were sat at the back with her mom to my left,
    where Nat had me clasped, pushing onto her chest.
    The fog up ahead disappearing from sight
    as we plod through its dense cloud & veer to the right.
    A mysterious light unveils a murderous scene
    its appearance is frightening, Nat squirms in her seat.
    Blood-curdling screams greet a bump in the road
    and I’m hurled out of reach by the shuddering blow.
    Crushed under the cold wheels, soft fur everywhere,
    who will she cuddle at home, now Nat’s lost her Teddy Bear?
    Last edited by Baron Mynd; September 4th, 2014 at 11:22 AM

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  2. #2
    Administrator ILLunatic's Avatar
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    ATTENTION Baron Mynd,

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  3. #3
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: "Unfurgettable"

    Baron mynd, this was sweet like candy.
    What a beautiful story teller you are.
    I knew there would be a twist from the title and when
    it uncovered itself, I wasnt a let down.
    Clean, crisp, no fuss, but detail and imagery
    and atmosphere taking us on that ride with u.
    Sensitive in nature, you were able to keep that
    Uniform from A to Z.

    Really lovely work.

    Beautiful read.

    If i wasnt on my phone I would highlight parts.
    But to be honest I liked it all.
    Only neg imo... 4th line, gazed and gaze. Too close for
    comfort. But thats just me.

    All in all, this was refreshing for me.
    Top job, with..flow...to die for.
    Last edited by Emily; September 4th, 2014 at 10:05 AM


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  4. #4
    Revolution II OG Maestro's Avatar
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    Re: "Unfurgettable"

    This is probably my least favorite verse from you, Baron.

    But, this verse wasn't intended to impact the reader as well as verses like "From Single Cell, to Living Hell" did.
    So I respect it, but it just seems like a downgrade because now I expect every other verse to mirror or transcend that effort.
    That's a common perception of critics to writers though. Especially in cases where the critics are writers.

    Overall it's an okay drop, I look forward to your future material.

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  5. #5
    BRB, Jumping Ship Baron Mynd's Avatar
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    Re: "Unfurgettable"

    LOL @ you still hating on me, months on.

    It's all good, I don't think you're even decent as a writer anyway. All your lines are entirely too long, stretched, come across pretentious and you have no semblance of flow what so ever.

    There is nothing you could possibly tell me for me to improve.

    I do everything you do, but better, and have a track record going back 10+ years to prove it.


    Have a nice day, hater.

    WORD P e r f e c t !


    RESERVOIR GODS


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  6. #6
    The Legend KnowP's Avatar
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    Re: "Unfurgettable"

    I really liked this piece man. Got away from the hard core and dark OM's we've read this past few months. The thing i liked other than the story telling was the rhyming. You really nailed every rhyme scheme and flowed it the entire way to make sure each line was staffed with a rhyme and multi. Good read man. thanks for droppin this.

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