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Thread: A day later

  1. #1
    as ain't Jamhuri's Avatar
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    A day later


    A day later,
    playing music, and your words
    through and through, between my ears
    and lungs.


    The violinist’s hand moves like a bee’s wing
    then suddenly like a sneaking python
    and the dirge circles my running heart
    in rising movements like smoke
    until I can’t breathe
    and I’m chocking
    with tears.

    It plays soundtrack to my fears.
    I dread what these memories
    will do to me; to my heart;
    if they lodge a little longer.
    But that’s what words do-
    they come in through the ear,
    make a bloodbath then can’t find their way out
    and so they slit away
    leaving signatures everywhere
    after they’re long dead.
    Today only a little pulling of the heart is enough
    to retune to pain.
    Only a little pulling
    returns the pain.
    Maybe it’s because it’s only yesterday
    since you assaulted me
    and left me for dead
    with your whip of a tongue,
    that they cut like a hundred butchers right now.

    It only takes a little playing, now,
    of random adagios and all
    the flies on the lucky dead wall
    will watch the dams of Rome give way
    as I cry
    like child
    when I don’t even love
    you.
    Last edited by Jamhuri; September 5th, 2014 at 12:12 PM

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    Administrator ILLunatic's Avatar
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    ATTENTION Jamhuri,

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  4. #4
    Ars Longa Vita Brevis English's Avatar
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    Re: A day later

    that they cut like a hundred butchers right now.

    horrible simile. i don't like to use them, but when you do, be good about it.

    The violinist’s hand moves like a bee’s wing

    better simile. the image is visible and the movement makes sense.

    structure felt super erratic with no discernible reason but there was a certain appeal to the poetry of the language, at times, and i was interested in how you incorporated the metaphor of music if slightly bemused by its inclusion, also. i have a friend out in nairobi who lived near the mall that pirates attacked recently - stay safe!

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  5. #5
    as ain't Jamhuri's Avatar
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    Re: A day later

    Thanks for this. At least some feedback is encouraging.

    Yes, I agree to the butcher simile. That's what came to mind, though. I was listening to Bruch the morning after I had had a very scathing conversation where someone gave me 'a piece of their mind' in a way I found very hurtful. Found a vehicle in the imagery of the music I was listening to, to convey how I felt about the previous day's conversation.

    Yes, I'll try avoid the mall. Thanks for the advice

  6. #6

    Re: A day later

    this was poignant, felt the rawness of this piece
    the musical reference was appropriate too, especially a haunting violin...
    great effort and vivid vocab... keep writing and sharing

  7. #7
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: A day later

    This was pretty solid. the act of classical music being painful is unique. This drop has all the makings of being something but I felt that you came short with it. there were some things and aspects that you hit on but not hard enough, didn't get the explanation of why the pain, the basis of why this character chooses to structure his grief and disdain in musical form. That disconnect from what actually is going on play apart to me in building the imagery that you want the reader to see. Yet you have some great references in here that spark a light that you can write better that this. In the gist of things, if you had slowed the movement down in this to where the points connect and not have a reader wait to the end to figure the direction of the poem, this would be dope....but it's a solid drop...


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  8. #8
    as ain't Jamhuri's Avatar
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    Re: A day later

    Thank you both. Advice heeded.

  9. #9
    SirVent
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    Re: A day later

    Sup Jam? I think this is one of the first poetry pieces I've read since I've been back and I was pretty impressed. I've always been a fan of your writing. There's a similarity that I really enjoy. Some of your stuff seems complex but in reality it's very easy to interpret.


    But that’s what words do-
    they come in through the ear,
    make a bloodbath then can’t find their way out
    and so they slit away
    leaving signatures everywhere
    after they’re long dead.

    My favorite bit. Good, solid imagery here. Personifying 'words' I think really made an impact. Kind of voids the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" nope they won't but they'll kill eventually. Not really a fan of how you chose to end it, I feel like there was a lot of unanswered questions. But overall I liked it, pretty good. Left me wondering at some points but as a whole I've got no issues.

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  10. #10
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: A day later

    Wow I come back and I see a drop from u and I say... I gotta read this. And to no let down I am glad I read it. This was purity of such execution. I can see the little saw dust from u but hey we gotta shake it off sometimes to get back into the mood or swing of things. The approach of detailed work for instruments and classic music was a nice tool to add for description and content purposes the diction I loved. This wasn't the greatest piece and I can say it but this was better than most and a consistent verse at that. Great drop @Jamhuri
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  11. #11
    as ain't Jamhuri's Avatar
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    Re: A day later

    Thank you for the kind comments. Yeah, I'm shaking off the dust for this type of writing. Maybe a tourney or something would push me to it.

  12. #12

    Re: A day later

    you strike me as someone with a lot of potential. first reading this my thought was, i wish you were around years ago when feedback was all over because some continuous critique could easily push you to a very high point with your writing. you have one of those styles that is accessible without sounding too basic. you have some rough technique and as pointed out your word choices and what not are a bit rough here.. but the concepts. the concepts to the line are there and that's the real challenge. anyone can learn wording and how to approach the structure of a line differently but the creativity it takes to built promising image concepts is something that is far more difficult to ingrain in someone. the piece itself as i stated is a bit rough especially by way of wording. but lines like your 'whip of a tongue' are set up for so much success. tweaking that wording and giving your images a little more personification i think could help with most all of your simile issues. I'd agree with English that similes are a touch technique. it's the pretty much the first device anyone learns (next to meter) and as a result it's hard to use one and not sound like a first grader slapping a homework assignment together unless your writing a very unique and well placed simile. for that line specifically i would say something more along the lines of "the long leather whip that had become her tongue." something to make the line more engaging and the image itself more visceral. but overall, again it has a lot of rough spots but something about you just reads as promise. like a less polished version of Sharp/Ex Machina/Paroxysm. stick with it man


    ** if you could
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