is (we are)

[Split Eight]

love is everything, a whisper-- she loves
as whispers meet... a sudden distance
of emptied forests, sing. in between. you
and me, lower voice, still (hushed)
forgetting all as Monday morning
flushed an open void. swill, cup
solo read. a bad reminder, rushed
hungover stress, as absent-minded
as brainless Starbucks quotes with no
beginning and no end. tomorrow
never must restart- as harsh as when the winter
warrants getting thinner. one of these does not belong
love, is everything- a whisper.

[Split Eight]

@English @Essen . @Zen the Dude @memoir

tell me things k


EDIT: the title sucks don't read it

[Zen the Dude]

@Split Eight , I'm a little late, but here's the feed.

Poetry works well with your style of writing. Your wording is great. I'm not exaggerating that either, it's great.

flushed an open void. swill, cup
solo read. a bad reminder, rushed
^^This section is particular I really liked, very crisp wording.

The ending gave me dem feels. It's hard to give constructive criticism on something like this though, because honestly I couldn't find anything wrong with it. Whenever I write 'poetry', it's still essentially the same type of post I'd make in the OM, only shorter. This had your distinct style, but this could be published right now. Srs.

Nicely done there, Splitty.

[English]

the cadence was very good.

i'll read this when i'm not sober or something and feed it properly.

[Split Eight]

the cadence was very good.

I learned from the best

@Split Eight , I'm a little late, but here's the feed.

Poetry works well with your style of writing. Your wording is great. I'm not exaggerating that either, it's great.

flushed an open void. swill, cup
solo read. a bad reminder, rushed
^^This section is particular I really liked, very crisp wording.

The ending gave me dem feels. It's hard to give constructive criticism on something like this though, because honestly I couldn't find anything wrong with it. Whenever I write 'poetry', it's still essentially the same type of post I'd make in the OM, only shorter. This had your distinct style, but this could be published right now. Srs.

Nicely done there, Splitty.

Thanks. Wording is pretty much my only focus lol.

I think w/ poems you're allowed to do intricate shit that wouldn't fly with topcials... like, attributing heavy meaning to punctuation & diction beyond just fitting a rhyme scheme. and your readers assume that literally every word was written with forethought, so it's cool to go super deep when you're critiquing something

thanks much for the read & feed.

[Liquidity]

Cool poem Split EIGHT.

[memoir]

this was a cool read. a wasn't a fan of the layout at times but you had some great lines.

a sudden distance
of emptied forests, sing. in between. you
and me

this was great, emptied forests gives this great setting of two people, completely in love and alone of this earth. I like stuff like this a lot, great opening to the piece.

forgetting all as Monday morning
flushed an open void.

this was smart and fitted the piece so well. it was a nice touch. this is love poetry and this quote adds some reality to the piece, lost in love and then next minute reality bites, back to the rat race of life. good piece mate, had some great moments.

[Essen]

Sawp, @Split Eight . In this piece, your sense of empathetic engagement is powerful. Yes, you conveyed a passionate character in yourself, but the more impressive feature lied with my connection to the girl. Your use of juxtaposition seemed to be the vehicle towards achieving the push/pull relationship of your and her, as well as you and life. Starting out with a 'love is everything,' then decrescendoing all the way to 'solo read.' Polar opposites, yet you were able to smoothly push with 'whispers meet,' then pull back with 'emptied forests.' I also enjoyed the literal aspect towards the end, 'Starbucks quotes,' for example, I did not take as metaphoric. But I think it dovetailed to a more straight edged writing style. As if to say "hey, we had our problems, but with no beginning and no end, there is only now." I took the ending perhaps a bit more positive than you may have intended it to come across, but nevertheless, I think it strengthened your tones even more. Seeing good/bad/good, it's fittingly a warm shape to the piece. One thing I'm wondering though...

as whispers meet... a sudden distance
of emptied forests, sing. in between. you
and me, lower voice, still (hushed)

^^ Though it changes the meaning slightly, tell me what you think of mine below..

as whispers meet...Emptied forests sing
a sudden distance, in between. You
and me, lower voice, still..



I think the active voice may work well, focusing on the whispers meeting, yet distance being created, setting up the decrescendo.

Anyway, this was a great read man. Your diction and tone was phenomenal. It makes me think and hits in the feelz. Good to see you around and thanks for the read.

[Split Eight]

^^ Though it changes the meaning slightly, tell me what you think of mine below..

as whispers meet...Emptied forests sing
a sudden distance, in between. You
and me, lower voice, still..



I think the active voice may work well, focusing on the whispers meeting, yet distance being created, setting up the decrescendo.

Cool. Absolutely smoother. I think your revision speaks stronger & you sacrifice a bit of resonance between "as whispers meet/ a sudden distance" and the command-esque nature of "of empty forests, sing." for a more whole & fluid thought.


I just was trying to keep the symmetry intact.
Explanation- this was done for the enjambment challenge. One thing I tried to do was create as many tiny parallels in the sentences that formed and unformed as the sentences bled into one another. I think, in this aspect, my verse didn't quite reach where I wanted it to (you picked up on that a bit with my backwards wording there), but this is a hard thing to convey in written format.

I usually heavily focus on punctuation, because slight fluxes in punctuation change the entire meaning of a sentence - like hesitation when speaking can add an entirely new dimension to a thought. In this piece I used really unnatural or I guess abnormal punctuation to keep the feeling of contained cohesiveness when an entirely enjambed verse would normally be very fluid.

I guess I wanted as many 'congruent' sentences, phrases, and connotations to arise out of all segmented sentences as you progressed through the lines. Almost like, there was no wrong way to interpret what I wrote, because I WANTED every possibility to be entertained at once and so I wrote very calculatingly. I think this is the decrescendo you're talkin bout, too.


TL;DR
thanks for reading man, always appreciate your feedback & advice, as well as your knowledge of/attention to literary devices.
feelsgoodman.


drop me a link or mention whenever you write next
& definitely PM me if you want some good ole, stacked topical league/ tourney action

Hope everything's going well in the life of Essen

[Fatrick Swayze]

Haven't read all poem in a while.

Glad I picked this one.

Imagery and diction where onpoint.

First line was outstanding man set the tone lovely.
hope to see more splitty

[Mantra]

@Split Eight

24 hours to post your links or I'm closing this.

[Split Eight]

I've fed like 8 drops. You can even see two pieces I fed, they're on the first page.

Donna Louise, by memoir
hah ha hah, by Zen

If that's not enough then close my drop, this site is way too cliquey outside of leagues & Im not in the mood to go make friends

[Mantra]

I don't know how any of that last bit is relevant to my post.

All I'm asking is that you post links to the pieces you've replied to. Not denying you have, I just want the links posted. Listing them like you did is acceptable too. The point is that it's the rule, pretty much the only one, and I shouldn't have to go hunt down your replies.

[English]

do you read any e.e. cummings? he often uses grammar ironically, or not at all. vague instances of you maintaining prosody with peculiar grammatical choices or slightly streamlined syntax invoke him, if only loosely. if you're not famliar, read the guy, he's an incredible poet.

all your run-ons flowed flawlessly other than cup solo read which probably needed what the japanese called kiru - cutting. a flick of grammar, basically, usually used to separate two concepts in a haiku. the compartmentalization of ideas so our brains can fathom. not your style, is it? fragmented phrases huddled into a pair of periods are for transitory allusion. or something. one of these not belong love - also, maybe that is singled on purpose. it doesn't hurt the piece. if at the end of the line the syntax is incomplete, it's enjambment, but the thread, left dangling, is usually picked back up if not tied into a knot. i can't say that happened, entirely, in the two instances i've highlighted.

but the poem itself was good. the attention to detail intimated a palpable setting, but the scenery was interaction: the ambience of a receding fog in the morning after a drug-addled night before.

as absent-minded
as brainless Starbucks quotes with no
beginning and no end. tomorrow
never must restart-

this was your best section in terms of thematic cohesion. you crammed quite a bit into a tight space. the reprisal at the end worked for me. i might be arrogant but the mention of winter/thinner reminds me heavily of 'Thinner' which i wrote around the same time. i'm not sure if it was before or after and i'm too lazy to check, but either way, even if separately inspired, i enjoyed the allusion. i took it as a brief write-up about a breakup where the attention to sound shows how something barely audible - a whisper - can still affect gravitas if the correct emotional urgency is attached. one of these does not belong.

good poem.

[Fatrick Swayze]

split.

i wish i was as smart s you..teach me!!

this was outstanding man..like english said..the run ons was just great writing from a great writer.


never must restart- as harsh as when the winter
warrants getting thinner. one of these does not belong
love, is everything- a whisper.

im in love with how that line starts...i know its awkward and flows off the tongue a bit weird..but shit like that is what i gravitate towards. i like re reeading things that are obvious lol...im wierd i guess so that line is right up my ally. split i hope you keep posting here....enjoy reading your stuff..i know i dont give to much feed back...but i do read most of your work.