Infekted Penz- Societies BackBone.

[Lenox]

Infekted Penz (Crew Collab- Societies BackBone).

Lenox: Life is fiction and I'm stressed with knots in my chest,
Streets stricken with poverty, I have no options left,
I'd rather be in prison than get shot to death,
Cops with vests, it's obvious that societies a mess,
No amount of counseling session can stop my depression,
Lots of tension on my mind so only god we can question,
Mothers dying from fatal injuries, date rapes and misery,
Every day is fatal, I guess you could say it is killing me,
I wake up with danger on my mind as I fatally decline,
The cracks in the streets breaking my spine,
Latinos without their green cards getting neglected,
Spit on, ripped up, killed and disrespected,
Falling off cliffs in your dreams then hitting the edges,
All because of ways the government treats the people,
Innocent kids getting jumped, then they shoot up schools,
You wonder why the rest see us as evil, sadistic, and lethal,
Growing up to kill and sticking your skin with the needle,
Life is not fair, we look to find a better way to get peaceful


143: Blue pill nonsense, Area 51 knowledge
Barriers drifting of conflicting opulence
Constricting the manipulating ambiance
Dilapidating the elating confidence through abolishment
Secretive missions, spoken directives creative like a renaissance
Pension the innocent confidants to publicized martyrdom
Cartoning the ignorance as government subsidize nonchalance
Rising the social mediocre silence into a powerful stardom
Even now you protest because some else is doing it
Follow in the regressive state, swallowing, and chewing it
Blindly fighting for civil lights to exercise imbalance
Getting sick from all the Ice Bucket challenges
Freedom is a price none pay outside the white palace
So we will have you dine on the glimpses, you savages....

Now we will return you to your previous thought thought out for you..............

[alphadog]

Not bad dude, i mean flows on point, second part was quicker and aggressive,, Even now you protest because some else is doing it
Follow in the regressive state, swallowing, and chewing it,, this part stole my attention, the pure dept of description is surrounded by a smooth flow. Kind of Tupacy lol but nice collaborative work lads

[Laureate]

-Lennox
First thing I noticed were some grammar/punctuation mistakes.
Not a huge deal but they do ruin the flow when I’m reading. Also
some of your word choice could be improved as well. Doubling up
on words also can bring down a piece. (Like the double use of the
word ‘fatal’)
I did enjoy the general message of your piece as a whole. The
critiques I mentioned are minor fixes a couple proofreads can
correct.
-143
Like Lennox I caught a typo and some grammatical errors. You can
never proofread too much. Only other thing I’d say is your syllable
count on some lines made the read a bit choppy in some places. Where
Lennox went overkill with the commas I think you could have benefited
from a couple. Give the reader a queue to breathe. Your rhyming was definitely
the highlight of your piece. It was creative and original.

As far as the collab part the two pieces just didn’t seem to connect for me. I don’t
think you played off each other’s styles like you could have. It felt too disconnected.
The talent is easy to see and I look forward to reading more from you and your
crew in the future.

[Lenox]

Thanks for the feedback man

[Emily]

I like this. And yeah, your styles are different but you're both
on the same page content wise, pulling off the theme well, giving us a lot to
take in and contemplate. Opening our eyes to the way things are and what
we've become.
Lenox, nice rhymes and flow. Liked the way you put it all down.
143 nice continuation and melody and soft rhyme.
Not every piece has to be jam packed with multies and
Different rhymes every second and third word.
Diversity is hot.
As was this piece.
I loved it.
Msg sent and received.
You made it look too easy.
I cant quote lines, I'm on my phone.
But I have to say the savages line needs to be
Stuffed and mounted.
Ended with a bang.
My kind of outro.
Good job fellas.

Enjoyable read.