I Thought

[143]

I thought that roses were the epitome of what love represents
But in your presence that quickly become a subtle crack pipe dream

I thought that content in being in love was long night of netflix and couch sex
But in your clutches I yearn for more that I've ordered 3 more couch sets

I thought that marriage was an unachievable goal that laced the wildest of my fantasies
But as you lent me your finger to slip the nail in the coffin to bury those false claims

I thought that trouble in paradise was an overused term for people who didn't have it like me
But you made it a daily prayer as the deceit level spikes beyond privacy

I thought that being hurt by the one who had your heart was an impossible thing
But you upped the production into the depths of a underground seller dweller's insensitivity training

I thought that roses were the epitome of what love represents
But I lay them on a casket taking the baggage of a trip that I didn't sign up for nor willing to pay the cost

I thought....But I was wrong....

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post8639725
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post8639721

[ILLunatic]

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[Ntalek.]

at first i thought this was just some type of rant..until i began to read further...you had the emotional level on tilt..i really wasn't a fan of I thought lines until i seen the chemistry between what you were trying to accomplish...although this piece was simple..in wording it made it more believable...i thought of me in your words...persay...like i was the main character in the frame of the personification..good piece all in all bro..nothing bad about it..

[Atti]

you're unique in your images which i love. i just wish you'd put more time into a proof read on works like this. a lot of wording and slight grammar errors really interrupt and otherwise smooth running feel to this piece. as talek stated, at first it looks like just a rant but there's actually a lot of clever lines here. the first two lines were rough technically, but in concept they just hit really nice for me. i loved the misdirect on the first line calling the rose a crack pipe. it's just a gutter juxtaposition that really puts that grimy feel and reversal on the general conation of roses and their connection to love. the second line, it was funny to me. it was just a kind of neurotic play on itself that for me had a very classic beat poet feel. overall again, this is obviously a quit hit and you didn't give it a once over which is clear.. but there was an unpolished charm to it. feels like a quick one that would be spit at an open mic in a city somewhere and people would eat it up 100%. you have a different feel to all your work, the one unifying thing i see though is the fact that you don't rework your pieces after they come off the top of your head. i think you owe it to your own work to put that small effort in though. it would be a big difference.


** if you could
some help on voting for the finals of the poetry tournament would be appreciated:
One Flew Over the 'Ku Championship Match: Laureate vs. Moniker [Open for Votes]

[Emily]

I thought this was great.
I loved the repetitive nature about it, swinging me back and forth with emotions like that.
I liked the wording used, the imagery you convey, the atmosphere this poem holds.
I like the pain on show.
I like the love.
I think the flow was smooth and it read well.
Another beautiful piece 143.

Thank you.

[Wordz AhGod.]

First 2 lines started well.. kind of a mixes image in my head but I'll play along with it. Content in being in love just doesn't sound right to me and seems weird, wasn't digging this bar as a whole after reading it. Seemed to try too hard in the end. Slip the nail line had some grammar issue to me.. starting out with "but as you" I don't think you followed that part through in the end of this line. Trouble in paradise was ok.. bit too much of a cliché for poetry imo. Seller dweller line felt forced and a bit too wordy, was feeling how this bar transitioned. Next bar, I'll excuse the word epitome being used twice lol this bar would have been fire but the second line seems to run on forever man.

Wasn't really a fan of this one although I don't know much about poetry. Just felt some grammar and wording choices really hurt the reading here.