User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: ...

  1. #1
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    The Desert
    Posts
    1,821
    Battle Record
    8-9
    Awards SS HW Champion PC HOF OM HOF

    ...

    The environment was graphically quiet
    Like a silenced riot that have been pushed passed its bias
    Cracks in the walls has stress fractures
    They were leaking lactic sunlight into the bowels of tranquility
    Making the flickering light guilty by association
    Dissipating the last traces of restful sleep contracted to me

    And how I became the specimen in this petri dish of a moment?
    A contorted vision from a female who had "panic issues"
    Thinking that she is the last girl on Earth that would suck my dick...
    Not to be raunchy but that was the only thing that kept us together
    Her head game was as mediocre as a sandwich making clown in a cooking competition
    Using ammunition from previous relationships was egregious at best
    Finding it pretentious that she best the rest of the group of exes
    So I moved like a nomad from a beaten home
    Paying fourscore upfront in a decrepit domicile dawning its face in the Michigan Mile area
    So now the sun is my alarm clock....

    Between the static nature of the news and the lady next door fucking for rent,
    I make it to the edges of the street, completing the tasks of what the sun asked for
    I had this job, it was helping me rob Peter to pay Paul
    Allowing few trips to the mall to stay useful to female suitors while acting within my freshness date
    But this walk to my job this funny ass morning became the journey that Moses couldn't take further
    Like there was some innocent demon ready to enact this vile commission of fate
    Made it to my desk where a chess piece of management calls for my presence
    Testing the resolve he prods with questions, didn't I tell you his sister couldn't suck dick.....
    Trying to find a legit reason to fire me, he inquire about my new digs
    As if to imply that the slyness of his personality wants dire straights to be serve as his swig
    Thirsty as he was I gave him a taste...he spits it out with a twisted disdain
    I return to my real estate and hash out paperwork like no tomorrow
    I won this round for today....

    By three ticks passed 4 I'm headed to the door as I served my time
    Line up at the time clock spotting this cockroach of a boss watching me
    Possibly his taste now wants to rearrange my face...
    I couldn't be mad, I would do the same
    But a saving angel with flame red hair and hip boots intervene
    Waif a serenity stream that left ole He-Nuts in a delusional haze
    Aiding my escape back to the cracks in the wall now spouting night fall
    Laying on the bed watching a vertical holdless television, the wood knock on itself
    Not answering to the calls I open with a mannish demeanor to ward off kids playing
    Laying on shoulders that was naked as Eve's ass in Eden's grass was this angel
    Flaming the hallway with her color
    Smacking on the lifeless gum trapped behind her beautiful lips
    Questions had confusing answers
    She enters and comments
    I respond and gesture
    Between the words and movements heightening the conversation
    Nakedness overcome the scene
    Spit slathered nipples and dripping pussy lipped juice on my tongue mixed with the flickers of shadows
    Grinding springs, bouncing ass cheeks, throbbing dick thrusts
    Ingredients that lead to a deep slumberous state.......

    Waking at the sun's call again I am amazed
    The randomness of last night
    Who the fuck was this girl of passion
    Flaming 7 of a lucky horseshoe
    Bad ass chick who suck dick like a pro....
    Then I hear a click from my temple....



    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    Best Topical Writer: 143

  2. #2
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    The Desert
    Posts
    1,821
    Battle Record
    8-9
    Awards SS HW Champion PC HOF OM HOF

    Re: ...

    Mach3 consistency

    Letterman the decision
    Last edited by 143; July 18th, 2014 at 10:15 PM


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    Best Topical Writer: 143

  3. #3
     
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    6,689
    Battle Record
    7-0
    Awards Haiku Season Champion PC HOF

    Re: ...

    Opened, I don't know why this is closed.
    ...

  4. #4
    Landed Emily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    4,492
    Battle Record
    2-2
    Awards MOTM PC HOF

    Re: ...

    brb
    Last edited by Emily; July 24th, 2014 at 09:44 AM

  5. #5
    Landed Emily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    4,492
    Battle Record
    2-2
    Awards MOTM PC HOF

    Re: ...

    143,
    There are so many layers.
    I like how you spun it with the bro, commissioning the killing of you, by the prostitute.
    You had a great build right there too, at the end. I was left midair because of that outro -
    “Bad ass chick who suck dick like a pro....
    Then I hear a click from my temple”
    Good job with the keeping of our attention past the reading.
    This is a bit full on, seriously. I had to slow myself down to read it.
    Very different. I’ll tell you how I felt. I felt dumb. lol
    And you copped the brunt. I started to slow my reading down.
    I had to do a double take a few times. …
    Pffffttttttt’’’’’fucken felt like it! It pissed me off. I felt a bit threatened by the story. The story didn’t jel straight away for me. Why don’t I get it? Am I that dumb? So, why don’t I get it? …Maybe I’m not ‘that’ dumb, just…a little dumb lol. …do others get it?...I don’t know…they don’t say.…so…am I still ‘that’ dumb?...know what I mean? Threatened by words. I got over your bully words, which made bully concepts that I didn’t get. And I re-read it…and the story started to piece together finally.
    Turns out I am just slow.
    I read it two times and, all I knew for sure, was he got blown twice.
    Once by her, and once in the head.
    But behind that, were lots and lots of details. From all walks of life.
    The narcissism by the sister was hard to take btw. She was painful.
    Nag friggen nag. That’s all I heard. Lol.. Loved how she gave bad head. So fitting.
    Great characterization. Complete with panic attacks. Lol sucked in. V cool.
    “Using ammunition from previous relationships was egregious at best…Finding it pretentious that she best the rest of the group of exes…” ---Sounds like a night in with a ball breaker.
    She’s such an egomaniac. You can’t win. …you leave. … “…So now the sun is my alarm clock…”
    I really like the way that line came out.
    You said “… I moved like a nomad from a beaten home…” That’s a beautiful sentence.
    Then you inform us of the lady next door and her antics.
    I like the way you said you “had this job, it was helping me rob Peter to pay Paul’
    Nice way with words. In that stanza I especially liked how you worded yourself here…
    “Made it to my desk where a chess piece of management calls for my presence”
    I thought that was really clever. A fresh approach on words. He was trying to find
    a reason to fire you (and reminding you that you had already been warned that the Boss’s sister was a dud in the sac).

    The next stanza starts with a rhyme, simple as it is, I still like it.
    “By three ticks past 4 I’m headed to the door…”
    Nice empathy you have for the Boss who wants to re-arrange your face.
    Then the saving grace from a ‘saving angel with flame red hair and hip boots’ comes along, which leaves you in a haze. Off you go. Where ever home is. And you’re lying on the bed when
    the ‘wood knocks on itself’ lol You open with a gruffy attitude to scare the kiddies away, and there she is….the sensational slut. Who you thought was a girl guide. Lol. Joke.
    She was “…flaming the hallway with her colour....” and “…Smacking on the lifeless gum trapped behind her beautiful lips…” ---Great imagery.
    A few questions here, a few answers there and she’s in. A little tete a tete and before you know it, she’s naked. Score. …or so you think.
    “…Nakedness overcome the scene. Spit slathered nipples and dripping pussy lipped juice on my tongue mixed with the flickers of shadows. Grinding springs, bouncing ass cheeks, throbbing dick thrusts. Ingredients that lead to a deep slumberous state…” I thought that was written well. Not everyone can write sex well. When it’s written bad, it’s laughable. So good job on rocking the casbar. You wake up with the ‘sun’s call again’ trying to figure out who the chick from the shag fest last night was…’Flaming 7 of a lucky horseshoe…’ Last thing on your mind was how good she was at giving head. Next thing you know…..CLICK!! You’re brains gave the joint some interior design.

    Nice one 143. You have an interesting story telling way about you.
    I didn’t find it an easy read at first, but after giving it a twice over it started to become clear.
    I liked all the details that wrapped themselves around this tale.
    The imagery was great. So much to focus on. And the atmosphere did well to move from room to room with you. I thought the story had believable characters. So you’re a bit of a puppet master, good job. I thought you did well with the segmentation. You put the stories in their narrative cubby house well. Even though this story has been told before, I found the way you worded it organic. I do think the genre speaks to a certain audience and you don’t let them down by being true to yourself where your writing is concerned. I liked the way this story was shaped, the structure of it.
    The plot, or sequence of events flowed well. I think a bit of conflict feeds the reader and I felt the battle of emotions going on within ‘the firm’ and ‘you’. So that tension only adds to the story by pulling us back and drawing us in.
    That’s how the story builds for me.
    I enjoyed this tale.

    Cool read.



    btw, the other one was named...dot dot dot. We're gonna get our dots confused 143.
    Last edited by Emily; July 26th, 2014 at 02:49 AM Reason: Forgive your enemies. It pisses them off.

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •