......

[143]

He comes....

Flighty times slide into his hip pocket
Justification of social status is eradicated
Calls of the wild are hushed to silence

Fear rises....

Rolling mindscapes flip through a Rolodex of instigating outcomes
Trolling actions dig for the start of his process
Answers to a lost cause are texts riddled with "I don't know"

He speaks....

In the reading of the accusations of me, the Defendant
The growlings of generations who played his role
Tormenting the peace he once new before a phone call......

Then...

Black.....

I wake up to soured nerve endings in my youthful hindquarters....

For I have violated a girl who wanted the best of me rest on her chest as the rest of me glaze her nipples and stain her vest, better yet, I told others, some were perplex by these acts of sex and released a text about the sex and what happened next is that Instagram sublet the text to Facebook where teachers who were vexed to the notion that an ex- ROTC captain would flex his indecent indiscretions and hex the chances of being a valedictorian speaking at the Home Depot Sports Complex.......

And they called home.....


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post8563304

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post8563309

[ILLunatic]

ATTENTION 143,

This automated notification is a friendly reminder for you to provide (2) links to other member submissions that you left adequate feedback to.

[memoir]

I liked the lines that were like 'fear rises' you used to separate the stanzas. They help to progress the concept of the piece. I liked some of the descriptions and difference between the imagery that you decided upon. A good read

[Mach3]

Dude, this is pretty dope, not sure why it's getting slept on. I feel like sometimes the particularly esoteric pieces get slept on here (ahem). Its weird because I'm not exactly sure the vibe I should be getting from this - it both feels sinister and sympathetic at the same time. Not sure if I should be sympathizing with the dude or not - but it brings up interesting questions of consent and of social media identity and the binds those can get you in. You really get the sense of someone, possibly two peoples lives getting turned upside down though. I thought the wording was mostly really nice and it told a lot while remaining slightly obscure. Props, liked this. Check out some of my shit

[Karaoshi]

Overall pretty good. Interesting way of explaining the concept of the piece with that run-on rhyming paragraph. Felt kinda tacky at first, but then I was just impressed at how many ex's you got in there while staying on topic lol. The piece made a lot more sense the second time thru because of that paragraph tho, and some lines which at first didn't quite make sense came into their own afterwards. I still don't really like the line "I wake up...hindquarters" - it feels a bit childish to me, like we've got this great concept, with meaning, and well written, and then just near the end it's like "haha prison rape LOL" ehhhhh... I dunno, didn't work for me. Would much preferred some sort of statement of consequence like internal remorse or whatever. Something more emotional. But other than that the rest was pretty cool, and written in an interesting style, which I dig.

[Emily]

Risky content.
We’re getting drip fed with those words…That’s great.
“He comes… He rises…. He speaks…. Black… And they called home….”
I like the break these words demand. They make a clean cut and relocate the reader.

“He comes” – …to court, I take it.


You’ve got some great words here. Great phrases. …

“Flighty times slide into his hip pocket” ….
That bar, came off smooth. There’s a build, from the get go, with the first sentence.
We know trouble’s brewing…it’s that timing too. You have good timing. When I want silence, or pause, or …hesitation, or …pause…I get it. I breathe in a way that’s balanced when I read the words.
It’s not forced.

“Fear rises....”--- and suspends in front of us.

The boy is obviously charged with the rape of that girl. After he left 'the best of him' on her chest and screwed not only her but the rest of his life up, he ends up going full circle and having the same thing done to him. That’s what I understood.
That’s my favourite bit actually. The reason is, we have those soft, building stanzas, with the words dripping down in between them and then you just spazz out. Trip big time on the rhyme and flow and reliving the whole encounter, adding social friggen media to the mix ‘cause that’s how *&^%$# we are as a nation, and Bob’s your Uncle. I like that that bit has a different melody. I like its fast pace ‘woosh’ effect. I think that was a great way to introduce the ‘sexual assault’ to go fast and hard like that. I feel sick lol. But yeah. That’s the way I would describe it.

I like the build you have from the beginning. It doesn’t let me down because when the going gets tough, the tough stay around and tell us exactly what happened. I feel the build reaches a crescendo,
And that’s when that trippy bit blows.

Very different piece here.
I thought it was written very well. Personally I loved the air this poem had, the tone.
I liked the timing. I liked the risky content. I liked the taboo. I liked the read. What I didn’t like was the word ‘hindquarters’ it reminded me of a Butcher. But it gives you a clear idea of what happened to him, that’s for sure.
“I wake up to soured nerve endings in my youthful hindquarters....” -----ouch

What comes around goes around. He got his I guess.

An enjoyable read 143.
Gutsy and sharp.

Great read.

[143]

Thank you everyone for the feed...send me links so I can drop feed on the pieces you want me to...It's funny that the image you all pulled was either criminal or sinister....this was a poem about a high school kid who got his ass whooped for having sex with a girl and bragging to his friends about it....messed up not only his ass, but it went around the school and even the teachers who took it to another level due to the reputation he has build as an upstanding wholesome kid...But I like to see the visions brought out from my poetry...thank you

[Mach3]

Peep my newest one i just posted it like a second ago