the mess

[thatdudeB]

I feel blasts creep up from the past
hope it don't last, feeling my cast
broke and I never spoke just a joke
so I toke, til I rise above said dose
life is beautiful I'm in love with myself
high off prayer now, slander I dealt
ego too large? I'm only speaking bluntly
expanded vision, swear death touched me
or did an angel kiss me? emotions swirl
sucked in black holes, love potions fall
imagining jibberish with a direction
I'm Shakespeare and Jesus rolled into one
Romeo and Juliet, plus Mona Lisa with a gun
dreaming bigger then the light at the end
dent common thinking, that's time well spent
cause when it rain it pour, pain its raw
am I sane or crazy confused I stain the floor
with blood signed love letter this is vain
Abel I see in my reflection, you can be Cain
picking at portraits of reality, why God why
feeling vibrant like sun, clear as skies I lie
I'm not cool, I can't be chilling, freely stressing
always testing, I want to know what's on your mind, blessing

just felt like writing something

[thatdudeB]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...ct-of-the-Past
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...-Catching-Fire

[whitesmoke96]

appreciate the minimal effort it took to write this, but not the time it took. put more effort into it, commit and people will feel like they have something to comment on. rhyme scheme gotta say was terrible, only some lines ACTUALLY rhymed. vocab is basic as well. find yourself and you will have an audience

[focusedonit1307]

I was kinda lost from the jump... and its always a bad idea to compare yourself to jesus but I feel the title maybe that was the point?

[thatdudeB]

I was kinda lost from the jump... and its always a bad idea to compare yourself to jesus but I feel the title maybe that was the point?

The title.. Because, it had no topic, just some random ass keystyle I decided to do.

[KnowP]

again dog, all over the place. felt like a was reading a seven man collab and everyone was doing their own thing. focus on one concept and expound on it in depth. also, pay attention to your rhyme. most bars didnt mix or mesh well at all. edit after you finish. its the best three minutes for your pieces.

[thewinnerallday]

This was okay i guess. The rhyme scheme was pretty simple and lines seemed far to short. Lyrically was alright, vocabulary was okay. Didnt really have any topic and some parts seemed very random. not sure if this was a flex or a personal type written. You need to work on a more complicated rhyme scheme that will improve your flow and try writing your lines around 10-13 syllables this way it could be flowed out audio wise. Keep dropping and workin hard at it. 5/10

[Atti]

seems like you were writing off the top of your head based on the predictability of your rhyming. I would recommend working on multi-syllable rhyming or even some assonance and alliteration in order to break up the predictable nature. also, just try reviewing dictionaries or doing online vocabulary quizzes. it'll expand you vocabulary and give you a larger bank of words to pull from even at the drop of a hat. secondly, you really want to pick one solid concept to stick with when you write. the braggadocio thing rarely works via text. if you put half the music you love in audio form on paper, the punches would look like a joke. typically moving into a concept with a storyline is better translated in this type of medium. keep at it.