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Thread: Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)

  1. #1
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    Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)



    Imagine channeling negativity
    til you're wired entirely and mega jittery
    with your eyes spiraling and trippin' visually
    it's a wild, lifestyle... but I live a bit differently..
    yes, vivid images fly behind the lids (I'm livin' imagery)
    chill, or miss this dope hit admissibly, I spit abysmally
    don't get conned, get gone if ye' dismiss his consistency
    convictions lead to constant victiming, call me victory
    unlike y'all tikes in diapers in light of all this misery..

    almost instantly roles are switched unwillingly
    cuz fuck history! Imma show like lightning bolts
    your limits is Benjamin essentially
    infinite, eventually, you'll git it cuz when I spit it
    I implement penance to sentence your sense of what a spirit is.
    what I'm hearing is, remnants of Eminem's mentions
    premises built on the guilt I'm trippin' on
    so still the spillage and listen bruh...
    it's a, privilege to listen bruh
    once I've risen like yeast I'll be diving in different dimensions

    diligently dispelling tension in all planes
    to keep y'all sane cuz I'm reaching the feats of arcane
    beseeching archaic teachings to teach me God's way
    to boss play like a child caught in an arcade with a smart brain
    cuz y'all sayin' he's crazy gee maybe well at least I'm not shady
    I been shading out the grays daily cuz they graze on us like dairy
    fuck it it's like I'm a terrier with rabies chasing
    y'all away gettin scarier and racy
    with the pace hittin' jays and still rippin' phrasings...
    y'all still are my play-things,
    so take attendance...then pay attention when I say things.


    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...ce-Gettin-High
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...show-SS-verse)
    Last edited by whitesmoke96; June 19th, 2014 at 02:57 PM
    ~WhiteSmoke96'

    Only in the darkness shall the truest light appear

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Narrator's Avatar
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    Re: Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)

    it's a wild, lifestyle... but I live a bit differently..
    yes, vivid images fly behind the lids (I'm livin' imagery)

    That was dope and probably my favorite part, I enjoyed the rapid fire rhymes and appreciate the above average vocabulary you used. Altogether this was a dope piece, there were a few instances the rhyme scheme became monotonous but it was still impressive to keep that going for that long (im mainly talking about the first verse). Thanks for peepin my piece and honestly those were not the original ending lines so you caught me there lol. I guess I changed it for, idk.. shock value? Haha anyways cheers on the feed, appreciate it. If you get time check out my piece "cloak the pain" and feel free to tag or pm me whenever you want some feed. Piece

  3. #3
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)

    'Imagine channeling negativity
    til you're wired entirely and mega jittery
    with your eyes spiraling and trippin' visually
    it's a wild, lifestyle... but I live a bit differently'

    What a great intro Whitesmoke96. I'm a sucker for flow and cool rhymes so I really like this.
    I like the second line here a lot. 'Til you're wired entirely and mega jittery' lol Yep, that's great.

    Favourite bars:

    'almost instantly roles are switched unwillingly
    cuz fuck history!'

    'diligently dispelling tension in all planes
    to keep y'all sane cuz I'm reaching the feats of arcane'

    This just has an easy natured flow to it and I like that the msg doesn't beat around the bush. Straight to the point.

    Flow wise, you were on, then changed it up a bit, flipped it, on again, so, it seemed to me like there wasn't a uniform pattern which
    of course there doesn't have to be. If you do decide to flip it up, keep that flow happening, even if it changes pace, lets hear the flow.
    Most of this rhymed really well, using words that aren't typical wording and that's great. Thing is, when you do rhyme well, bits and pieces that aren't rhymed so well stand out more. So there was a bit...

    ...'cuz y'all sayin' he's crazy gee maybe well at least I'm not shady(---------great line)
    I been shading out the grays daily( ---- cool till here.) cuz they graze on us like dairy(---lost me with 'dairy')
    fuck it it's I'm a terrier with rabies chasing y'all away gettin scarier and racy(----although I like this line, I just don't think it gels with
    the other two above it.) Then you've got a killer last line, but those last words on these bars, don't rhyme.
    That's what I'm saying, you've got great words, and rhymes, and the meaning of what you're saying is cool, I'd just love it to
    rhyme in a way that's closer to what you've got. But that's just me. Just my opinion.

    Other than that I think you're a very talented writer. Great emotion in this, cool imagery and nice use of words and rhymes.

    Nice one Whitesmoke96.

    Cool read.
    Last edited by Emily; June 11th, 2014 at 03:36 AM

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    Re: Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)

    "dope" hah music to my ears. eventually I'll record and post something in songs instead of om. bump bump in the trunk
    ~WhiteSmoke96'

    Only in the darkness shall the truest light appear

  5. #5
    The Legend KnowP's Avatar
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    Re: Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)

    diligently dispelling tension in all planes
    to keep y'all sane cuz I'm reaching the feats of arcane
    beseeching archaic teachings to teach me God's way
    to boss play like a child caught in an arcade with a smart brain
    This part went in hard as hell fam!!!



    Yo, this was a dope spit man. really feelin the concept and multi's too. Everything was hittin pretty solid. Flow was broken here and there with the rhyme scheme's but I was feelin majority of the content. The part i quoted was flames to me. I had to go back and read it out loud and it sounded even batter. Good ish my man. Lookin foward to seeing more from you.

  6. #6
    Whatever, Fuck You HighEngineChief's Avatar
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    Re: Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)

    This was dope. The flow of course was ill (it gets redundant, complimenting everyone on their flow, but it seems to be the focus now-a-days) As a braggadocious piece I feel like you handled it better than most. There were a few parts I wasn't feeling, the bruh part particularly, just don't feel that type of language works outside of audio, but for the most part your language was pretty creative and held my attention. Victiming threw me off, it isn't a word, and it just took a bit of the polish from an otherwise sick drop. Overall, this was pretty ill. Keep it up.

  7. #7
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    Re: Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)

    Yeah I'm aware that victiming isn't a word but for delivery purposes it got the point across lol Priceless of AQUALEO introduced me to having fun with words like that. (referring to the song "Skeletons") - "Tells a story but leave out the parts that's heridatory
    I mean hereditary, it's very scary to think what you believe is false" and mind elaborating what you meant by "braggadocious"?

    love the feedback y'all especially from you experienced writers. expect my name to pop up in OM again and I'll let you know if I record it. it goes a lot better with the beat i put it to, (brainless instrumental eminem from mmlp2)
    ~WhiteSmoke96'

    Only in the darkness shall the truest light appear

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    SWED whitesmoke96's Avatar
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    Re: Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)

    uppin' fo mo feed yo, worked hard ;P
    ~WhiteSmoke96'

    Only in the darkness shall the truest light appear

  9. #9
    SWED whitesmoke96's Avatar
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    Re: Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)

    I know y'all are viewin' the OM now, uppin' last time
    ~WhiteSmoke96'

    Only in the darkness shall the truest light appear

  10. #10
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)

    This was pretty awesome smoke.

    I really liked your flow and rhyme scheme. Every line seemed to ttransition well. Good imagery here as well. This was all around solid I'd like to see more from you bro. With a little more polish this could have been great.

    AI

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  11. #11
    I'll have the gabagool Fresh's Avatar
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    Re: Brainless (WhiteSmoke Remix)

    Imagine channeling negativity
    til you're wired entirely and mega jittery
    with your eyes spiraling and trippin' visually
    it's a wild, lifestyle... but I live a bit differently..
    Really nice opening, I enjoyed the metaphors you had goin here
    yes, vivid images fly behind the lids (I'm livin' imagery)
    chill, or miss this dope hit admissibly, I spit abysmally
    don't get conned, get gone if ye' dismiss his consistency
    convictions lead to constant victiming, call me victory
    unlike y'all tikes in diapers in light of all this misery..
    Wow, this flowed incredibly definitely perfect for audio. I felt wording was not as good for last two lines tho but still nice man

    almost instantly roles are switched unwillingly
    cuz fuck history! Imma show like lightning bolts
    your limits is Benjamin essentially
    infinite, eventually, you'll git it cuz when I spit it
    I implement penance to sentence your sense of what a spirit is.
    what I'm hearing is, remnants of Eminem's mentions
    premises built on the guilt I'm trippin' on
    so still the spillage and listen bruh...
    it's a, privilege to listen bruh
    once I've risen like yeast I'll be diving in different dimensions
    Had to read this a couple times, at first i wasn't sure but after 3 times I was like, yeah this cool. U have to do this audio bro

    diligently dispelling tension in all planes
    to keep y'all sane cuz I'm reaching the feats of arcane
    beseeching archaic teachings to teach me God's way
    to boss play like a child caught in an arcade with a smart brain
    whoaaa dude this was cool as fuck man... Damn. flow and mutli/inner rhyme scheme plus the content and imagery and everything was nice here I liked this
    cuz y'all sayin' he's crazy gee maybe well at least I'm not shady
    I been shading out the grays daily cuz they graze on us like dairy
    fuck it it's like I'm a terrier with rabies chasing
    y'all away gettin scarier and racy
    with the pace hittin' jays and still rippin' phrasings...
    y'all still are my play-things,
    so take attendance...then pay attention when I say things.
    I didn't enjoy the first 2 lines but the rest was nice good finish

    Well damn dude, I erad your stuff when you first came here and it was nowehre as god as this. Its a nice read, and is close to NOM worthy. Keep doing your thing man you're gonna only get better. Like I said too, this shit should be done audio. Good shit

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