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Thread: An Empty Stare

  1. #1
    Buzz Kill graf-x's Avatar
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    An Empty Stare

    My eyes cold,
    an icy blue lost in a gaze that's been froze.
    An empty stare,
    that has left a black cloud of death in my soul.
    My heart beats,
    relentless as my adrenaline rushes through my bones.
    The war zone,
    My battle went down and i've been left to fight alone.
    sneak tactics
    and cheap antics made me go full savage.
    keep active
    kept a few captive, move foward, more action
    Magazines empty
    as i supress fire, leaving it more graphic
    the screams from the enemy
    has made it seem, more attractive.
    I sip my canteen,
    thinking how to secure my position
    without being seen,
    as an ambush responds to the quiet resistance
    first is the mission
    second is checking on our mens condition
    so with all our men missing
    i was left to be precise and sufficient.
    i squeeze and release with the switch flipped to semi
    as i see the enemy shrinking in size remaining just as deadly
    suddenly i feel a nudge, seeing blood, feeling sweaty
    when i came to life at a mall having an episode of PTSD...
    Cops arrest me
    On 49 counts of murder,
    for simply protecting my country in a state of torture
    My eyes cold,
    an icy blue lost in a gaze thats been froze.

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...41#post8535741
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...ce-Gettin-High
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...Luminous-Curse


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  2. #2

    Re: An Empty Stare

    This was a cool piece. I like the stop and go rhythm, it added suspense to the story. The twist at the end was cool, I think you should have dragged if out longer, instead of the one line reveal, but it is still a good twist. All together dope piece, and the repetition at the end was a fitting touch.

  3. #3
    Buzz Kill graf-x's Avatar
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    Re: An Empty Stare

    Quote Originally Posted by 44864962 View Post
    This was a cool piece. I like the stop and go rhythm, it added suspense to the story. The twist at the end was cool, I think you should have dragged if out longer, instead of the one line reveal, but it is still a good twist. All together dope piece, and the repetition at the end was a fitting touch.
    thanks for the feed man. I appreciate it.
    - I feeded on one of your pieces you got move poetic thread... but its in the one posted here on om


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  4. #4

    Re: An Empty Stare

    that was dope, no joke, like a hot pistol smoke - loved the flow, that was gold, makin bodies turn cold on the microfone, drove through the battlezone, feelin like a rollin stone on the war radio - this rappers droppin bombs, good mornin vietnom, that was sick, clever shit, nicely spit, never quit - gottem scared, prickly haired, shakin from an empty stare - lookin like a ghost at the crossroads without a soul, i gotta sponser homies flow cuz bro you are an animal...

  5. #5
    The Legend KnowP's Avatar
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    Re: An Empty Stare

    damn son this was pretty solid right here. had my attention the entire way through. felt like was watching a scene from the a PS3 war game intro or something. good work fam. to add, the ending was dope imo. putting the title in the begginning and revisiting it in the end was genius for these piece. Brought em from crazy back down to reality. damn cops make me sick sometimes lmao. Good drop son.

  6. #6
    Buzz Kill graf-x's Avatar
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    Re: An Empty Stare

    Quote Originally Posted by KnowP View Post
    damn son this was pretty solid right here. had my attention the entire way through. felt like was watching a scene from the a PS3 war game intro or something. good work fam. to add, the ending was dope imo. putting the title in the begginning and revisiting it in the end was genius for these piece. Brought em from crazy back down to reality. damn cops make me sick sometimes lmao. Good drop son.
    thanks man glad you enjoyed it. and that would be a tight intro... but thats all we need is a video game with mall shootings lmfao then all the kids have ptsd... hahaha
    appreciate the feed.

    Quote Originally Posted by N.F.M. View Post
    that was dope, no joke, like a hot pistol smoke - loved the flow, that was gold, makin bodies turn cold on the microfone, drove through the battlezone, feelin like a rollin stone on the war radio - this rappers droppin bombs, good mornin vietnom, that was sick, clever shit, nicely spit, never quit - gottem scared, prickly haired, shakin from an empty stare - lookin like a ghost at the crossroads without a soul, i gotta sponser homies flow cuz bro you are an animal...
    that was cool too. haha thanks for feed man, it was different but it was cool.


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  7. #7
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: An Empty Stare

    This was good. The flow was really tight, I liked it, it made for a smooth read. You had a pretty killer rhyme scheme. This was technically sound and well written it just needs more thought and content behind it, maybe a bit more imagery and it would be a great piece. Good shit Mic, stay up and keep writing.

    AI

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  8. #8
    Buzz Kill graf-x's Avatar
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    Re: An Empty Stare

    appreciate feed fam.


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