Sour Grapes

[44864962]

What am I doing here? Pissing my life away. Sniffing some fire yay.
Sipping Courvoisier and I don't even like the taste. Bitches from out of state.
Pictures feel out of place. Pinot and sour grapes thinking What Am I Doing
Here, trying to pump this fluid into my arm just contuses, and like my heart,
never opens up through its bruises The lucid tears. I've eyes that can never lie.
Whoever may pry inside, they will find no illusion here
in a mind through which sewers steer.
The filth of a wanting soul always grasping where nothing holds.
The rabid and muzzled nose tilted up as the moon appears.
O muse! I just want to scream, lick the moonlit dust from my teeth.
Looking inside this beast thinking

What am I doing here? Pissing my life away. Sniffing some fire yay.
Sipping Courvoisier and I don't even like the taste. Bitches from out of state.
Pictures feel out of place. Pinot and sour grapes thinking What Am I Doing
Here, I got tossed in these leaves again; caught up in sweeping winds.
Every August it creeps back in I can't keep it subdued with fear.
My monsters are squeaking thin.
My conscience is leaking in through the cracks of my cool veneer.
The shame of a busted vein - that clots, yet the blood escapes,
and drops down upon the stage filling the cups up to the ears.
Drink of it that you may hear.
O muse! I just want to live I don't want to cry, suffering,
and in the midst of my blubbering think just

What am I doing here? Pissing my life away. Sniffing some fire yay.
Sipping Courvoisier and I don't even like the taste. Bitches from out of state.
Pictures feel out of place. Pinot and sour grapes thinking What Am I Doing
Here, killing everything you endear, all your measures of soon and near.
I will drag out your life until every fraction is too unreal to imagine.
The gruesome sneer of this dragon devouring every action. I'm losing sleep.
I can't dream up new frontiers. I still cannot phathom even a sliver or half of
just what I chanced upon losing here
while I was pissing my life away in the river of night and day.
When the moonlight is gracious enough to grin and entice my face -
I feel grateful, O muse,
to drudgingly do whatever
the fuck am I doing here?

[44864962]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...-Zoshi-The-End
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...pathetic-Joker

[Truth Iscariot]

Your formatting needs work which messes up your flow (that otherwise was great). Your rhyme scheme was on point and you used a lot of internal rhymes and multisyllabic rhymes. I think if you reformatted this it would be a damn great piece. You used your language great but the formatting made it a choppy read.

[44864962]

Thank you for the feed @Truth Iscariot . I decided to take you up on your advice. The new line breaks should help ease the transition from line to line.

[Truth Iscariot]

That looks and reads much better bro.

[HighEngineChief]

Up.

[Emily]

I like the repetitive intro’s of your stanzas 44864962.

‘What am I doing here?
Pissing my life away
Sniffing some fire yay
Sipping Courvoisier and I don't even like the taste
Bitches from out of state
Pictures feel out of place
Pinot and sour grapes
Thinking What Am I Doing Here?'

That’s how I heard it.

I think your ideas are fresh and forward thinking.
Your phrases are real and heart felt. You fool the reader.
That’s the trickery pen skills of a great free mind set.

……..I like the melodical flow of that intro.

I also like the language used, in a contradictory atmosphere.
Grungy lingo along side words like ‘Sipping Courvoisier’ and ‘Pinot.’
An abstract clash which was cool and unpredictable.

‘trying to pump this fluid into my arm just contuses,
and like my heart, never opens up through its bruises
The lucid tears. I've eyes that can never lie.
Whoever may pry inside, they will find no illusion here
in a mind through which sewers steer
The filth of a wanting soul always grasping where nothing holds
The rabid and muzzled nose tilted up as the moon appears
O muse! I just want to scream, lick the moonlit dust from my teeth
Looking inside this beast thinking…’

The imagery here is thick. I like the way you write 44864962 and I really like this piece of yours.
You’ve got heaps of internals and your flow is cool.
But it’s your words that are raw and edgy and get me revved…

‘Whoever may pry inside, they will find no illusion here
In a mind which sewers steer’…..I reckon that was worded so bloody well.
You have so much class when you write, and you rough it up
and you end up with a really interesting mix of words. I love it.
It’s very different, like… ‘muzzled nose tilted up as the moon appears’
Or…’lick the moonlit dust from my teeth’, brilliant.

‘I got tossed in these leaves again; caught up in sweeping winds
Every August it creeps back in I can't keep it subdued with fear
My monsters are squeaking thin
My conscience is leaking in through the cracks of my cool veneer
The shame of a busted vein - that clots, yet the blood escapes
and drops down upon the stage filling the cups up to the ears
Drink of it that you may hear
O muse! I just want to live I don't want to cry, suffering
and in the midst of my blubbering think just…’

The poet in you speaks in romantic volumes when you say things like,
‘tossed in these leaves again; caught up in sweeping winds’
Not only is the flow beautiful but you paint a picture that is crystal clearfor the reader.
Bars like..’My conscience is leaking in through the cracks of my cool veneer’
…How good is that? Awesome wording.

‘Killing everything you endear, all your measures of soon and near
I will drag out your life until every fraction is too unreal to imagine
The gruesome sneer of this dragon devouring every action
I’m losing sleep. I can’t dream of new frontiers.
I still cannot phathom even a sliver or half of just what I chanced upon losing here
While I was pissing my life away in the river of night and day
When the moonlight is gracious enough to grin and entice my face
I feel grateful, O muse
To drudgingly do whatever
the fuck am I doing here?

There are so many good bars here.

‘I will drag out your life until every fraction is too unreal to imagine
The gruesome sneer of this dragon devouring every action’

The rhyme and flow again are great. And here..
I love the ‘in the river of night and day’.

I think the value of the wording in this piece is high.
You pelted it with scattered rhymes, smooth flow, and that all adds to the charisma of this piece.

It’s obvious you control the writing it doesn’t control you.

44864962, I think you stack your legos in a unique way.


Great Read.

[HighEngineChief]

Thanks @Emilyinthepool

We should collab

[Emily]

Hi @HighEngineChief .
Why are you saying thanks?
Are you 44864962?
I don't get it. lol

[HighEngineChief]

I am

[Emily]

'''

[Emily]

I am

...whaa

...but that happened = ok