Zoshi - The End

[Zoshi]

Life is ending we running out of oxygen
This has been happening since the time of Washington
Cars pumpin' out toxic fumes and gases
Time to see the truth, start cleaning yo glasses
Atmosphere is breakin', sun rays penetrating
Gun powder in the air, bombs detonating
Water got spoiled, oceans filled with oil
Plant's stopped growin', Glaciers begin to boil
To world drys up, no more clouds, no more rain
To much pain, blood stars evaporating from yo veins
Bodies in the streets, grass and leaves are no longer green
Everythings in flames, skys not blue, space wiped clean
To much pain felt, So much damage has been dealt
As the sun gets closer we begin to melt
Clothes disappear, disintegrating pelts
We all are now a part of the Astroid Belt

[Zoshi]

My 2 links:

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...ce-Gettin-High
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...OP-pushin-Keys

[Zoshi]

Pimples.

[Zoshi]

@fresh @The Great Father @Truth Iscariot

[Zoshi]

Bumping.

[44864962]

This was pretty good considering your age. There are a few things to work on, mostly grammar. Make sure to distinguish between to/too, and use an apostrophe with contractions to avoid confusion. Also, it might be better to avoid colloquial writing for now. You want to learn to write the right way, then experiment. I hope you keep writing and take the craft seriously. I'll keep an eye out for your work.

[KnowP]

Short and sweet. I liked this joint a lot man. u captured your concept and stuck with it giving us a barrage of themes which really livened up the piece. I would have liked more of a rhyme scheme ending your bars and also a higher level of vocab within the scheme of things. NOt to say your vocab isnt good, but i feel a bigger vocab brightens up the piece if it doesnt have a complex multi rhyme scheme. Overall this was nice tho man. Keep em coming.

[Zoshi]

Thanks bro

[Zoshi]

Bumping this

[Truth Iscariot]

The grammatical error in your first line makes this hard to get into initially.

The flow was good and the rhyme scheme was simple but on point. What makes this an average piece are the grammatical errors littered throughout, the lack of actual content as oppose to presenting a big idea an then moving away from it, and then actually having a message to what you're saying, don't just write, write for a reason.

Overall I would say proof-read more and add more content while maintaining your flow and you will be good bro. Stay up and keep writing