My new rap

[Zoshi]

This world is a lie, absolutely corrupted
The law is unfair, I'm extremely disgusted
The police are pigs, a bunch of racists
Pulling over mexicans instead of arresting rapists
The president is hiding the truth can't you see
They make it so without a degree, you can not succeed
Those vaccines are drugs they injected and now your infected
Put it when you were a baby when you least expected
But in the end everyone awaits the same fate
People jumping gates, robbing and selling just to get food on there plate
Stealing money from a purse, they go to jail and do it in reverse
You should of became a nurse, Or someone who makes money off a verse
But I don't blame you, sometimes thats the only option
You become a dad but put your child up for adoption
This life is unfair, and everyone has bad luck
Homeless people holding signs just to make a buck
You think people want to leave like that? Your sadly mistaken
There trying to brainwash you, make you a follower of satan

Criticize? It's my first time rapping about this kind of stuff so enjoy I hope I did good D

[Zoshi]

@Spartacus @fresh @Wordz AhGod. @The Great Father

[Zoshi]

bump

[Zoshi]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...PEN-FOR-VOTES)
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...P-(Pic-Battle)

[143]

If this is your first time dropping on a topic like this, you did a good job. Your imagery in this was clear, the message was precise and direct. Good usage of vocabulary. You have the basics down for writing topical verses, just work on your structure, you had the flow but it was like you were caught in between writing like you were doing an audio piece and writing a topical. Syllable count will help you with structure, starting out don't go over 16 to 20 syllables per line. Also try to add more of a rhyming aspect in multiples. It jazzes up the verse. Other than that you did a good job. Keep writing...

[Zoshi]

Will do, thanks ^

[KnowP]

The police are pigs, a bunch of racists
Pulling over mexicans instead of arresting rapists

sad but we're dealing with this here in AZ atm.


Overall, a very simple read. This kind of concept or topic has been done to death. My advice would be to livin it up next time with some good metaphors or similies to make it stand out from the rest. Throw is some deeper vocab as well whenever you're getting into religion and politics and the worlds socio economic status. But good to see you're not afraid to share you views and opinions on controversial topics. that will take you far in writing. keep working at it man.

[Amen]

As KNOWP stated. Simple read, but not bad for a 1st time drop as you claim. Um, IDK where to begin with the advice other then, try and expand on your concept. Incorporate some type of a more challenging rhyme scheme and stuff. Overall not a bad 1st time drop, tho man. Keep writing. Check out others, like the HOF pieces or if you are into punchlines, check out the LLL. That will give you a gneral idea of how to structure and execute on your concepts.