Hrrrrmmmm, another great showing of complex heavy mental from you that's pretty well-executed @Professor Frost .
Alot has been said, that I agree with, so I won't bore yall with too many repeats... I'll just give over some outside analysis. I'll definitely prop on immaculate vocab & word-choice; that's something I'm coming to expect in all your posts now. Strangely, I actually really liked the complex simplicity of the "Hook", as I feel like it tied your theme together very nicely, it was comforting in all the heavy depth & vocabulary. The vast imagery & little ironies throughout is what I think succeeds MOST in this piece, and the fact that I think some people still missed some, lol - (the sniper Pinocchio, reuse unproven theories, physical raptures, signatures of synergies, etc) I felt were all used beautifully.
Only knit-pick I have (if I wanted to have one)... was the flow/delivery decreased in BOTH verses as they progressed. Standing back and looking at it, you can visually see the bar lengths get longer, and more wordy. So my tiny tip would be to control that a little better in the future. BUT - I personally don't have much else to gripe about here, as I think it's great "text" how it is, and as I do believe it deserves the hype that it's getting.
My personal issue is more of simply a matter of tastes of how drown out the concept was. I'd never say it was "boring", but personally it did get dense and drag on for me a bit. I sorta somewhat agree with @Genocide , in that it felt like you were subtly forcing use to read a school paragraph. Wasn't a bad paragraph, so I'm happy I read it, but something was missing via the performance aspect of it. Obviously something like this I wouldn't say add humor to, because of it's serious topic, BUT maybe condensing it would've made it more concise and reader-friendly.
**I handle copyright coordination for my internship at a label (Epic), and my previous internship (Sony)... and one thing (regarding song-writers, co-writers & ghostwriters) that I enjoyed more there than Epic, was a training method called "Double Standard". I've followed it ever since in MY OWN writing. Everyone writes filler from time to time - so it's basically the practice of giving yourself more quality to pick from --- if you're asked to writing a 16-bar verse (16 lines so no one gets mad at me, lol), you write double (around 32-lines), and then begin condensing and eliminating the fluff & filler, keeping the stronger material. Many of the early things I've posted here, that you've raved about, follow this practice, so you can see how focused the results can be.** Hope that helps you out homie!
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Originally Posted by doctorJ82
