First verse to my new song

[ARebeL]

asking why, why's it me, that see's the dream he won't succeed, try so hard but he won't believe , that he has a chance to go achieve, the i-m-p-ossible, rise to the stage with a hostile goal, holds his nose before he goes , for a dive so deep to the surface floor, his minds misplaced his smiles to fake , trying to get help but he don't relate , he holds his own with his own mistakes, falling off the road to heavens gates, and now he's lost cause he don't know if the world can take a piece of shit, like the kid that he had grown to be the only thing he know he is , broken in, broken out , open cuts without a doubt, but now the blame aint put on him cause your the one that shot him down, talked a lot messed around , laughed a lot till death was bound,but now the blame aint put on him cause your the one that shot him down

[Illustrious.]

yo dog, i can tell you are new to writing songs my friend. i'm gonna give you some honest feedback buddy. Your verse was reallllly basic, it had no substance or any complexity behind it. It was pretty much a freestyle and tossed in some rhymes. There was no story behind it, there was a glimpse of emotion but it very bland. Try to gather your thoughts and process them longer and really try to add some multiple sylabol rhymes as well as adding some better word choices/vocab to strengthen and add imagery to your piece. What i can see from your verse is that there are very basic rhymes and your lines came off simple. Work on those things buddy & keep dropping to get more feedback to progress to a better writer. goodluck.

[CLA919]

What genre? And then I can provide sufficient feedback...