Time to live

[millerdaniel176]

Hi guys i'm new here and this is my 1st drop , i'll appreciate any feedback

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post8491855

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...y-Dream-(2004)

They say that one person can change the world
2 bullets to the chest... body drops,eyes turns to pearls
Fuck the world , you made my galaxy swirl off its orbit
This pain turns me to this bottle, this
liquid absorbs it
Cracked all the mirrors in the house cant stand looking at myself
I swear each time im out by that corner I hear you cry for my help
Darker than black my world has the blinds down 24/7
I keep saying that i did all i could still wish it was me up in heaven
I read that ''life goes on and time will eventually heal''
I feel that it's five years ago and every moment is a moment i steal
Please dont go , dont leave yet you'll be fine , everythings fine
I cant let go, all this blood it cant be time, make those wounds mine
You didnt want to get up that morning, why did i force it?
When my phone rings i think its you calling, take another sauce hit
Marking days on a calender like im locked up about to get sprung
Time sways, this hells got me fucked up and the devil's no fun
Is that u singing in the shower?, im coming baby wait there please!
what's all this pipes down my throat and these straps by my knees...

[KnowP]

Fuck the world , you made my galaxy swirl off its orbit
This pain turns me to this bottle, this
liquid absorbs it

Good flip and multi's here.


Overall, not bad for a first drop. A few remarks would be not to use "I" as much and really focus on the end rhyme segments as well. You have a knack for storytelling pieces i presume and it showed in this piece. SOrry it took soo long for someone to give you feed back on this. OM can be a bot slow over the weekend. Definitely keep dropping good writtens like this and you will make a name for youreself in no time. Salud.

[makengknowcentz]

story telling skills is fierce sat some places the wordplay was predictable and simple but i dont think that hurt your work this has real life reflection so i dont knock for thuggin in the verse you brought to reality not fake images and that is well done i felt it and enjoyed it throughout