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Thread: 16 bars fuck the world

  1. #1
    fuck u and your feelings
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
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    215
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    3-4

    16 bars fuck the world

    government corruption life there disrupting no repercussion
    this country push my button like how to start nuclear destruction
    tools in my hand leave uncle sam face with reconstruction
    the media is a distraction like women sexual seduction
    are life's a invasion in Ukraine cus everything where Russian
    Lawrence Krauss the way we want something from nothing
    i'm different cus i'm out this world like i'm in a alien abduction
    money like cancer cus im only getting lump sums cant trust fun
    unless its a bitch with a large trust fund , chest and bun
    only thing i say to her is "undress hun and this drug ingest love"
    inject sum plus mix rum till your body numb then your face hit the rug
    she convulsion her pulse thin no hope then grim reaper comes
    her life needs saving but now i'm in her purse taking her live savings
    i'm materialistic cus boy i'm about those band like green day playing
    growing up my moral i abandon just for a band then god dam man
    like Noahs flood fuck you and your feeling life show me no love
    Last edited by erratic; April 2nd, 2014 at 04:23 AM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Newbie Abortion's Avatar
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    Mar 2014
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    Re: 16 bars fuck the world

    It would really make a difference if you iron out your grammar. As a reviewer, it gets confusing very fast.

    Anyway, you certainly have potential. My suggestion is to take the rhymes from the first nine lines (seduction, destruction, ect), and see if you can smoosh them all into four lines. Currently your bars are way too long, especially for a piece that's lacking really strong wordplay. I feel like (and I don't know if it's true) you've been hanging around the battle section too much; those guys only care about getting jokes in, so their lines are generally long as hell and lacking rhythm.
    A.K.A. Toddler Fucker A.K.A. RINAC (Rape Is Not A Crime) A.K.A. Niggger Slayer A.K.A. Fuck The Troops

  4. #4
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: 16 bars fuck the world

    Yeah you have to get your spelling and grammar on point for sure, and also your punctuation, the lines just ran into each other and things didn't make sense. You have a good mind for writing tho, you came with some very cool ideas and the rhyming was on point. I think you used 'big words' just for the sake of it sometimes, there's nothing wrong with having an extensive vocabulary but I think a lot of the time it can be just as effective, if not more so, to use a shorter word...don't force it just because you think it might be perceived better, it fucks with the flow when you needlessly have long words and it makes the piece seem a little wooden. It was a good piece tho, in terms of the lines of thought and the issues brought up, I understood what you meant despite having to fight thru the bad spelling and lack of punctuation to get there. You have what it takes to be a pretty good writer, you just need to put more care and effort into making your pieces accessible to the reader.

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