FOOL IN THE RAIN

[Wordz AhGod.]

Fool In The Rain

leaning over this bridge, my hard days have finally chased me
I feel the weight of this world.. and every girl who's ever hated me
my mind is overblown and I figured this would be the best way
Ive never loved in my life, just been lost as a sex slave
I look down to see the ocean below, and its as beautiful as ever
Even with forecast thunder showers as part of today's weather
The heavy winds shift me slightly.. pushing and pulling me out
I try to think of reasons why.. why shouldn't I just jump down..?
My existence agitates me, and Im just as angry at myself
If I wouldn't have... or maybe if I... then I wouldn't be by myself
This angel on my shoulder.. how long will you pursue me..?
And the dark villain around my neck praises my hatred loosely
The shredded skin torn from my wrists displays my repaired veins
A tear creeps down my face.. as if to keep from seeing my pain
Am I good to go now? My grip can barely hold steady
Ive prayed to be forgiven by the women who should know already
How sorry I am, how much of a bastard exists with in me
why I do the things I do.. and hurt them consequently
Another rain drop lands on my hand, for a second this was peace..
The dark blanketed sky casts a shadow over my unusual beliefs
That there I was with my own destruction hanging over the sea
Closing my eyes felt like a waste of this moment
The wind danced around me so it was hard to keep them open
I thouht one final regret, that I broke her heart and made her hate me
Because she could have been the one.. the one who could have saved me
Ok.. now Im ready, I think this is the write time and place
any more thinking would be too much, and I dont have time to waste
I extend my leg out, as if to walk a plank and hope for ground
I loosen my grip on the wall of the bridge and start to look down
The sweat from my palms leave a final mark along the cold metal
Beads of water drip from my chin and flow in the air like rose pedals
I take a deep breath then push off.. I feel it all happening
as I felt myself float, I could feel my angel trying to pull me back in
Her long hair drips the salt water, a storm formed above us
The strong winds forced against her skin.. pushed away from her lover
I look away with out a care.. I dont even stare into her eyes
She follows me onto the abyss because she couldn't say her goodbye
The demon hangs on as tight as ever, gripping what article he can
The angel wispers that she'll never leave me and grips tighter on my hand
The ride is amazing, Im free falling as the wind guides me
leaving behind a parked car by the bridge on a rainy day behind me
I feel it coming, the end seems to be my best lesson
I maintain my bearing till the final moment.. refusing to miss a second
This is my legacy, the best of me flows away with each thought
a smile on my face to hide the teary feeling of being distraught
And I hit the surface.. disappointing by the lack of feeling
disjointed.. everything goes black and misleading
Im not as at peace as I ones foretold myself and it irks me
Im left thirsty, worthless and alone.. this life has cursed me




@Professor Frost - http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...t-R-amp-R-quot
@CLA919 - http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...-Hours-to-Live

[Wordz AhGod.]

I think this was the first OM I ever wrote if I remember correctly.

[CLA919]

@Word z ahgod I rarely can read through an entire piece but this was so deep. Mad disappointed he gave up in the end. Reminds me of 2 others I wrote. One, explaining why you're a pimp and two, a relation to the angel trying to save you... here are links if you are interested.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...(0-0)-Cla-Wins

Search engine sucks on this site (should've used google) but anyways... I have the other one in my cpu so here's the long version of number 1.

Apologize


(start at violin)

The hardest of hearts, the hand that’s been showing
Now I don’t claim to be knowing
LOVE, the same love we both seek of
Turning each other out game after game
Both of us should be hanging our heads in shame
When hurt, we shut down, not realizing when real come back round
We hurt real, then real then hurt too
The reverse touche come back around on you
Real gonna scratch her nails down his back praying that you feel it
While hurt gonna go in and go in, he praying his heart you just steal it

But it’s too late…

But in the end, no one wins
We both left with feeling of sins
Then comes the debate
The hate
The sat-ism
Cause I’m afraid to go through that pain again too
ICE cold, I become, the same thing that I was always so jealous of you
Then you find it was all just an act
How you sit back and not react
And so it go… until real recognize real again
Only real can’t steal what real just cannot feel
So she turns and retreats regretfully
So you try to rearrange the damage that’s been done
And you find that special one
Only he? He’s done
What’s there left to do but run

Cause I’m afraid… And it’s too late

Now I make love with cold stares while rolling my eyes whispering sweet nothings
Realizing I can’t get real and true without bringing someone else that hurt too
So cold as ICE I lay back, open my legs, as I take off my shirt
I stare at the ceiling and look to God as he slowly insert
Trying hard not to cry, knowing I probably just lost my last allibi
So I pretend
Cause real still recognize real - but real just no longer a friend
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray for it all just to end
And I don’t expect you to comprehend
And I don’t expect you to mend me
And I don’t expect you to really see
And I don’t expect love to ever be… again

And it’s just way too late to apologize…

Love, X bottom bitch 4 ever
Keep your good girl that goes bad and fuck the bad girl who tried to be good too!

[CLA919]

beat for dark angel - I can't read without something in the background.

[Wordz AhGod.]

haha thanks.. the link would have worked just fine haha

[CLA919]

I couldn't find it... the search engine SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS LMAO

[Wordz AhGod.]

its cos of the update.. kind of ruins a lot of older stuff but somehow leaves shit from 04 haha.. if you want to find anything just ask our historian @Letterman this dude can find just about anything and nobody knows how lmao.

[Venom]

Fool In The Rain

leaning over this bridge, my hard days have finally; chased me
I feel the weight of this world.. and every girl who's ever hated me
My hard days have finally chased me is poor wording in my opinion.
My hard days have finally caught up with me( or something to that effect) would make more sense.
I believe I still understand what you are conveying...and I dig the content...but
I do think its a bit rough around the edges. This bar had mad potential though.

my mind is overblown and I figured this would be the best way
Ive never loved in my life, just been lost as a sex slave
Solid. Strong bar

I look down to see the ocean below, and its as beautiful as ever
Even with forecast thunder showers as part of today's weather
solid end rhyme. I feel like you are leaving out a word here though. Even with [I]the[/IT] forecast Of thunder showers as part of todays weather(something to that effect would have been better)..although I realize you would then have to adjust previous lines for syllable count.

The heavy winds shift me slightly.. pushing and pulling me out
I try to think of reasons why.. why shouldn't I just jump down..?
Pretty simple here but it conveyed what was necessary effeciently and ties into previous lines well

My existence agitates me, and Im just as angry at myself
If I wouldn't have... or maybe if I... then I wouldn't be by myself
Meh. This was a bit sloppy. You didn't use an end rhyme here but rather used the same word twice. This would be a bit more acceptable with audio if done right but not text in my opinion

This angel on my shoulder.. how long will you pursue me..?
And the dark villain around my neck praises my hatred loosely
Man this is another one of those lines that could have been brilliant. It's like your onto something but the awkward wording kills it. Again I can totally dig the content. I can connect the dots and make an educated interpretation of the piece as a whole...which leads me to say your conceptual congruety is excellant but you need to spend extra time on wording.

The shredded skin torn from my wrists displays my repaired veins
Excellent one liner. Dope.

A tear creeps down my face.. as if to keep from seeing my pain
This was just ok

Am I good to go now? My grip can barely hold steady
Ive prayed to be forgiven by the women who should know already
This was ok

How sorry I am, how much of a bastard exists with in me
why I do the things I do.. and hurt them consequently
A bastard is a person without a father so saying your fatherless within yourself doesn't make much sense
The end rhyme is a shaky slant.

Another rain drop lands on my hand, for a second this was peace..
The dark blanketed sky casts a shadow over my unusual beliefs
Dug this

That there I was with my own destruction hanging over the sea
Closing my eyes felt like a waste of this moment
The wind danced around me so it was hard to keep them open
I thouht one final regret, that I broke her heart and made her hate me
Because she could have been the one.. the one who could have saved me
Decent

Ok.. now Im ready, I think this is the write time and place
any more thinking would be too much, and I dont have time to waste
Did you intentionally use the word write for right? Grammar aside this was just ok. Scheme wise pretty weak.

I extend my leg out, as if to walk a plank and hope for ground
I loosen my grip on the wall of the bridge and start to look down
I guess your getting ready to jump huh? Decent

The sweat from my palms leave a final mark along the cold metal
Beads of water drip from my chin and flow in the air like rose pedals
This was dope. You need more bars like this

I take a deep breath then push off.. I feel it all happening
as I felt myself float, I could feel my angel trying to pull me back in
Her long hair drips the salt water, a storm formed above us
The strong winds forced against her skin.. pushed away from her lover
Wording issues but dope conveyance

I look away with out a care.. I dont even stare into her eyes
She follows me onto the abyss because she couldn't say her goodbye
I like this bar

The demon hangs on as tight as ever, gripping what article he can
The angel wispers that she'll never leave me and grips tighter on my hand
You need to up your scheming in my opinion. Can/hand is so basic. I mean these type of rhymes are fine here and there but the entire piece is of this caliber

The ride is amazing, Im free falling as the wind guides me
leaving behind a parked car by the bridge on a rainy day behind me
Again no end rhyme. You use me/me. This is a weak bar.

I feel it coming, the end seems to be my best lesson
I maintain my bearing till the final moment.. refusing to miss a second
Ok

This is my legacy, the best of me flows away with each thought
a smile on my face to hide the
teary feeling of being distraught
Dope

And I hit the surface.. disappointing by the lack of feeling
disjointed.. everything goes black and misleading
Needs work


Im not as at peace as I ones foretold myself and it irks me
Im left thirsty, worthless and alone.. this life has cursed me
While I liked this bar...good flow and good end rhymes and sorta closes this out I feel like the ending could have been more impacting on us readers.
As a vent piece I can dig getting emotions off the chest but as a competitive writer myself I would have to encourage you to work on the following:
-Up the scheme intensiveness where possible.
If you can go with dope multi's without steering away from what you are trying to convey...do so.

-Wording:When you word a line...go back to that line later and write multiple ways of saying that line and then pick the best one. You should always go over ya work and strive for perfection.
A lot of things go unnoticed in first drafts and that is the reason you should look over your work.

End Rhymes:
Me and me don't rhyme.
Your end rhymes must actually rhyme or at least be a slant rhyme. I'm not saying the me/me thing has no application but I don't feel you used it out of necessity here.


Overall:
I still enjoyed it for what its worth. I give honest feed regardless of what that means(ex. Picking apart a verse or praising it). No hate. Take it as you will. Stay writing.






@Professor Frost - http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...t-R-amp-R-quot
@CLA919 - http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...-Hours-to-Live

Uppp

[Wordz AhGod.]

lol its not a battle verse haha, but thanks for taking the time.

[Venom]

Your welcome but I never thought it was a battle verse.

[Emily]

Man, this is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
The thought that suicide could be displayed so poetically,
in a way that almost makes the reader jealous that she/he isn’t feeling …......

“The angel wispers that she'll never leave me and grips tighter on my hand” …THIS!

Stunning imagery Wordz AhGod. The all too true ‘tug of war’ that consists between the angel and devil in all of us is so bright, it glows. You have touched on the sensitive subject of suicide in a poetic but down to earth way that connects with the reader.
The bridge, looking down, the tear, the leg over, it’s just so well done and real.

“I try to think of reasons why.. why shouldn't I just jump down..?
My existence agitates me, and Im just as angry at myself
If I wouldn't have... or maybe if I... then I wouldn't be by myself”

Even though you have used the word ‘myself’ in close proximity, it doesn’t take away from what you’re saying imo.
I just hear myself saying that word with different intonation. I think it still works.
I like the questions you’re asking yourself…”If I wouldn’t have…or maybe if I…..” Yeah, this is the truth we all hate accepting. The ‘What if’s’

“I try to think of reasons why.. why shouldn't I just jump down..?” ----This SPEAKS TO ME. Not that I’ve ever had these thoughts, but as I’m reading this, yeah, I get it, I understand, I wouldn’t judge. I especially love…”I try to think of reasons why” That’s great.

“My existence agitates me, and Im just as angry at myself” ----- (I want to marry this sentence. We are one. It’s not right that we shouldn’t be together lol). How many people have thought this? Said your words? I really like it when someone writes something that is so simple and pure and honest.
A plain Jane sentence. That’s gold.

“This angel on my shoulder.. how long will you pursue me..?
And the dark villain around my neck praises my hatred loosely” ------Yeahhhh, shocker. I love that. ‘Praises my hatred ‘loosely’
That’s friggen awesome. Sends my mind into overdrive. Makes me think of scenarios with demons trying to talk their way into trouble, by complimenting the weak.
‘Praises my hatred’ I’ve never heard anyone say those words before. Who would say ‘Praises my hatred?’ Beautiful.

“Am I good to go now?” ------------------- Another simple sentence that stands alone and stands out.
The vulnerability in those words makes me soft and gooey on the inside. Like a five year old, full of innocence is speaking to me…..wanting whatever it is, he/she wants…..”Am I good to go now?”
That’s superb when you're talking about killing yourself.

“I thouht one final regret, that I broke her heart and made her hate me
Because she could have been the one.. the one who could have saved me” ----Stellar flow! This is my favourite part. These lines, with the echo of wording criss crossing over, reminding me that she’s ‘the one’ I wish to blame. Very emotional. Glorious words.

“I loosen my grip on the wall of the bridge and start to look down” --- I saw a lady on the bridge one day, and that is EXACTELY WHAT I SAW. Well done. Perfect detail. Perfect imagery.

“Beads of water drip from my chin and flow in the air like rose pedals” --- Wordz Ah God, I can see those rose petals (slight typo with the d instead of a t) floating down, in the air, serene feelings overtake me. Like in the movies, where all you hear is silence, and see in slow mo, rose petals floating in swirls, down, in the air. Impressive.

“I take a deep breath then push off.. I feel it all happening” ---- I’m nervous, awaiting what happens next.

“as I felt myself float, I could feel my angel trying to pull me back in
Her long hair drips the salt water, a storm formed above us
The strong winds forced against her skin.. pushed away from her lover
I look away with out a care.. I dont even stare into her eyes
She follows me onto the abyss because she couldn't say her goodbye
The demon hangs on as tight as ever, gripping what article he can
The angel wispers that she'll never leave me and grips tighter on my hand” ------------For me, all of this is great. Stirs emotions in me, I don’t know how I feel, I feel, mixed up, confused, sad, love, so many emotions. I feel the end of a life. Especially the bit “I don’t even stare into her eyes."

“The angel wispers that she’ll never leave me and grips tighter on my hand”--- I believe this to be true, so for me, it’s prophetic.
Not the suicide, the angels holding on tight, to the ones they protect and guide.

“The ride is amazing, Im free falling as the wind guides me
leaving behind a parked car by the bridge on a rainy day behind me” ----- And this surreal imagery, mixed with, slap in the face reality (parked car, by the bridge, on a rainy day, behind me) is black and white flashes in my coloured world.
I love the mix of dreamlike/reality story writing.

“I feel it coming, the end seems to be my best lesson
I maintain my bearing till the final moment.. refusing to miss a second
This is my legacy, the best of me flows away with each thought
a smile on my face to hide the teary feeling of being distraught ------------------gut wrenching
And I hit the surface.. disappointing by the lack of feeling --------------------- Yep, brilliant
disjointed.. everything goes black and misleading
Im not as at peace as I ones...(did you mean once?) foretold myself and it irks me
Im left thirsty, worthless and alone.. this life has cursed me -------- Top ending.

Wordz, AhGod, I absolutely love this piece of writing. It’s a kick to the guts and shows how truly fragile a state of mind can be.
The writing was honest and raw and pure and I can’t say enough good things about it. It in no way comes across as ‘Someone trying to write a suicide piece. It comes across as someone who has ‘been there, done that’, so for that, congratulations.
The emotions that this piece evokes and stirs surprise me because I didn’t think I would read a piece with a theme such as this, and feel love. Oddball emotions are brought to the surface, along with your ability to show the audience how sensitive a ‘bastard’ can be (“how much of a bastard exists with in me”).

Your theme, gutsy, confrontational, forward.
Your atmosphere is dense, full.
Your imagery is creepy at times, so believable, sensitive (floating petals), stunning.
Your rhyme and flow are cool, but to be honest I was immersed with the wording
and didn’t zoom in on that. If there was something that stood out I would
have said so I guess, but I didn’t notice anything.
And your storyline was natural, humble.

I loved it Wordz AhGod. I simply, loved it.

Thank you for this. It was a pleasure to read.

(Yet another friggen novel for feed. I try to stop myself but the words come out.
Oh well, I just tell myself…It is what it is)

[Wordz AhGod.]

Haha thank you im glad you liked it. Remembering back.. I wrote this story with simplicity in mind. I saw that at the time all of the SS writers seemes to think you had to write like Shakespeare and use words and phrases that most people would need an entire library at their disposal to understand. I never liked the robotic feel of flooding your story or art with such things. Thank you again for yt? He awesome novel of feedback lol

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[English]

lol nigga i was about to say does your style ever even fucking change and then i read your first comment. this that topical shit. you do what you do well but... hit them with something greezy.

[Wordz AhGod.]

Lol word ill stop being lazy and write something new when I start feeling emotional again homie

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