1st World Smiles

[Emily]

Think you’re so good, with your airs and graces
Your first world smiles and monarchy faces
You take a big run-up then jump down my throat
and warm yourself up with my jugular coat
So I can’t spit out words, ‘cause you’re sitting on me
And you won’t understand, ‘cause I’m choking you see
I’ll always be wrong, I know you agree, must stem from my vicious jealousy
I’m moody, I’m nasty, full of apathy, depressing, repressing, what more do you see?
Some hate and malicious tendencies? Obsessive, destructive, dependencies?
Well I’ll tell you what, it’s a shame to see, you never gave me a chance
You never got to meet me
I see, plastic devotions, disposable smiles
chewing gum feelings that go on for miles, acid tongues lashing
like poisonous darts, following orders from polyethylene hearts
Zoom in, you bet, conniving eyes; zoom out, dead set, more thriving lies
Don’t waste my time, don’t talk to me, nothing but fakeness, a Claytons buddy
Guess this is the end, sad but true. It’s over. I’m done. Yep. I’m through.

[KnowP]

make sure you get your 2 links in man

[Emily]

oops, sorry, I forgot : )


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...aven-and-Earth
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...le-on-the-road

[Wordz AhGod.]

make sure you get your 2 links in man

^fucking Nazi

Emily, the piece had a lot of metaphores in which I like as it hooks readers in and makes us think. You should work on the fluidness of your flow and a bit on wording as adding too many commas can make it a choppy read.

"Some hate and malicious tendencies? Obsessive, destructive, dependencies?
Well I’ll tell you what, it’s a shame to see, you never gave me a chance
You never got to meet me"

really liked this part because of how personal it was and I think with some rewording it could be a beautiful line. In writing, structure is also important as it helps keep track of solid syllable count keeping the read more smoothly. If your lines are too short or too long they can feel like their dragging on or don't have enough material. One rule of thumb is to either keep a line with ideally the same amount of syllables or as close to it or have the second line have just a bit more syllables and cut down the first one a bit. You don't HAVE to do this by any means, but it will help with the transitioning from line to line. : D

[143]

This was a pretty dope piece, I like the flow of it, being more slam poetical that it would be rap. Your representation using first world faces for arrogance is dope. The only problem is the length of it. You had some nice work going on and could have expand it further. But all in all I thought it was clever as fuck and nicely done.

[KnowP]

I’m moody, I’m nasty, full of apathy, depressing, repressing, what more do you see?
Some hate and malicious tendencies? Obsessive, destructive, dependencies?

BANG!! Good bars here.


well damn! this was pretty good indeed. very emotional and sound like this was personal from the jump. also I would like to hear this live in actual audio cause it seems to be an actual open mic piece vs the standard written lyrical form. I think it was soliod all the way up until you broke the verse in the middle and kind of transitioned to another focus. but after you gain your train of thought, it went right back on track. just try to clean up that fork in the road next time for a smoother read. overall, good work here.

[Abortion]

Some of these similies are outstanding, especially when you start extending/mixing them, like

You take a big run-up then jump down my throat
and warm yourself up with my jugular coat

I know you're not going for a spherical lyrical miracle or anything, but it's 2014, and this

So I can’t spit out words, ‘cause you’re sitting on me
And you won’t understand, ‘cause I’m choking you see
I’ll always be wrong, I know you agree, must stem from my vicious jealousy
I’m moody, I’m nasty, full of apathy, depressing, repressing, what more do you see?

longbars ending in masculine rhymes, really just doesn't cut it. I understand you're just going for content, but even so, it makes for a boring read.