IP Picture Collab ft. Pistiol Pete, Cai & KnowP

[KnowP]

@Pistol Pete

Sky drenched in pain, clouds are murder victims, the sun had beams to aim the slain
Regain the tamed visions of deliverance the sail would bring, my thoughts are trained
But derailed as the long walk on this wooden trail, lead to this ship dark as Klan secrets
Battered weak grips hold luggage in sea soaked fists, the captain appeared "now hear this
To fear death is to fear life" he spoke with a serious grin, eyes crystal blue and bearded chin
Shed your fortunes but carry your sins, hold your hope balanced on tight rope paper thin
He warned that Lucifer rode aboard and hell was in store, the weak get thrown overboard
So with a sober snort he vanished as if thin air was in support, juggling the thought of an abort
We all marched forward, with wonder and fear, thoughts of escaping captured our ears
The winds whispering dreams as they steered our bodies towards the edge of the pier




@Cai

Rain and wind collided, bringing our journey to where ends meet.
Pain’s too grim inside us, switching gears of worry like a ten speed.
Hurrying immensely, we tightened our grip on life and shifted right
to get over a massive wave that splashed and sprayed a mist so light,
a fistful of fight left, and the nerves in each finger are already severed.
Spirits tethered, trying to remember our goal, yet we fear it’s weathered.
Waves and rocks were enough to have us wish we stayed, place at dock.
Amazed and shocked that nightfall made it seem like the days have stopped.
Vision blocked, couldn’t even see ten feet from the view of starboard.
Cue the harbor, been tired of waiting for it since our crew’s departure.
Earth’s crust chartered its way through the hull and left a scar unhealed.
Finally we made it, safe and saw what’s in store next; hell’s jar unsealed.




@KnowP

We’ve lost the reel, bow broken and beaten by violent waves
new environment’s strange, could be the sickness or the silence of rain
dry deck’s decay, medical supplies damaged due this size of wreckage
demised in seconds, clinging to live while puking guts like despised infection
wise possessions, obtaining sanity and stabilizing our congregation
beyond this station and shattered dreams, lie torn beams in complication
no operation for the swallowed bilge, descended with the blades remains
deranged and pained, the main conclusion is this new land’s our claim to fame
a psyche stained compares to what most of us gained, an aim of instability
Physically spent along with hours using powers to cipher a storms vicious misery
Spun instantly which felt longer than watching the wheelhouse sail underneath
drained disbelief is the missing link between surviving and plundered shrieks….


…..thought it seems…..

[44864962]

I'll break this down into your individual verses, and then critique it as a whole.


@Pistol Pete :
This was a cool verse. The end of the first line felt a bit ambiguous, in respect to "aiming the slain"; I wasn't sure if you meant guiding the clouds(or rather the wind) toward the sails, or if you meant the slain to be the sailors and the sun is pointing them in the right direction. Anyway, the rest of this was pretty straight forward. You had some great metaphors and characterization. He kind of reminded me of Blackbeard. I know that's pretty generic but, that's whom I thought of. The rhyme scheme was dope, and the internal rhyming was pretty good. Nice storytelling. This was a good opener.

@Cai:
I like this verse. Rhyme scheme, flow, and narrative were all pretty dope. I do have a few things to critique. In the second line, I felt that the use of a bicycle simile was out of place for a story about a crew of sailors in a storm. The use of immensely, though not grammatically incorrect, seems a bit awkward as it is more often used to describe size or quantity; that's just my personal opinion and to others it might sound fine. In the seventh line, I believe you meant, "placed at dock" All together, this was a nice verse.

@KnowP :
This was also dope in respects to its rhyme scheme, flow, etc. There are little thing that need to be addressed. In the third line you need a "to" between "due" and "this" By the way, the opening bar was dope, and I appreciate the irony in "silence of rain" Anyway, In the forth line I think you meant "life" instead of "live". Those are the only real noteworthy criticisms I have. I thought the ending was a little too vanilla, but it was still a good closer for the piece.

Conclusion:
This was a dope piece. The story progressed nicely between the three of you and never went off the rails. I would have liked to seen a little more "off the rails" in fact, it felt very linear and there wan't much difference between the events in the three verses. All together though, it is a well rounded piece with a few things that could be touched up. Thank you for the read.

[The Great Father]

Vast improvement over the last one, to be honest.

[Spartacus]

I liked all except the first verse. That dude was trying too hard.

That's the problem with topical, for me.

If you don't nail it, it comes across whiny and suicidal.

Dope tho.

Where'd the pic come from?

[KnowP]

Thanks all.
@Spartacus it was a pic from the haiku league I believe.

[Venom]

@Pistol Pete

Sky drenched in pain, clouds are murder victims, the sun had beams to aim the slain
Regain the tamed visions of deliverance the sail would bring, my thoughts are trained
But derailed as the long walk on this wooden trail, lead to this ship dark as Klan secrets
Battered weak grips hold luggage in sea soaked fists, the captain appeared "now hear this
To fear death is to fear life" he spoke with a serious grin, eyes crystal blue and bearded chin
Shed your fortunes but carry your sins, hold your hope balanced on tight rope paper thin
He warned that Lucifer rode aboard and hell was in store, the weak get thrown overboard
So with a sober snort he vanished as if thin air was in support, juggling the thought of an abort
We all marched forward, with wonder and fear, thoughts of escaping captured our ears
The winds whispering dreams as they steered our bodies towards the edge of the pier

You have some long lines in this and as for my personal preference its just not my cup of tea.
I believe the first line is about 18 syllables, kinda a chore to read. I'm surprised people don't know
short bar/medium bars are where its at in terms of overall fluidity and presentation. Granted,
it is true the shorter the lines the more lines it'll take to tell the story in a descriptive fashion.
I'd say anywhere from 12-16 syllables per line is acceptable...16 is pushing it though.
Oh well that is just my preference, I know some people don't mind longer bars so to each his/her
own on that I guess. As for the actual writing, I thought "sky drenched in pain" was a dope descriptive
phrase. I'm not sure exactly what you meant by "clouds are murder victims", that was seemingly
nonsensical in my eyes. I could have understood if the clouds were the murderer but for the clouds to be the victims is weird wording. The ending phrase " the winds whispering dreams" was dope....but that's about all that really stood out to me here. The rest was just awkward wording and as such I really had a hard time catching a solid flow on the verse. It seems as if you had the right overall concept but really just failed to execute the idea.
No hate man. Really I'm not very familiar with you as a writer...and just because I may not care for this particular verse means nothing. Its not to slight the work you do or the ability behind it...opinion is opinion and I gave mine. Stay writing.




@Cai

Rain and wind collided, bringing our journey to where ends meet.
Pain’s too grim inside us, switching gears of worry like a ten speed.
I enjoyed this ^. The directness of the verse here makes it easier to understand just what is going on. Flow is also a significant step up in comparison to the first verse. I wouldn't say it is the most scheme intensive verse I've ever read but it does the job and conveys what it needs to convey.

Hurrying immensely, we tightened our grip on life and shifted right
to get over a massive wave that splashed and sprayed a mist so light,
a fistful of fight left, and the nerves in each finger are already severed.
Spirits tethered, trying to remember our goal, yet we fear it’s weathered.
Waves and rocks were enough to have us wish we stayed, place at dock.
Amazed and shocked that nightfall made it seem like the days have stopped.
Vision blocked, couldn’t even see ten feet from the view of starboard.
Cue the harbor, been tired of waiting for it since our crew’s departure.
Earth’s crust chartered its way through the hull and left a scar unhealed.
Finally we made it, safe and saw what’s in store next; hell’s jar unsealed.

I really like the fact you made an attempt to use compound rhyming, granted its pretty basic compound rhyming but basic works. "Place at dock/amazed and shocked/days have stopped". Nice. Although I think "placed at dock" may have been slightly better wording. I also noticed the first line is 15 syllables so it is nice to see the cut back...its amazing how just a couple syllables here and there can make all the difference. I enjoyed the read. Stay writing.




@KnowP

We’ve lost the reel, bow broken and beaten by violent waves
new environment’s strange, could be the sickness or the silence of rain
Ok first line is 14 syllables and the second is 16...decent enough. At least you are within a couple syllables of each other.

dry deck’s decay, medical supplies damaged due this size of wreckage
demised in seconds, clinging to live while puking guts like despised infection
wise possessions, obtaining sanity and stabilizing our congregation
beyond this station and shattered dreams, lie torn beams in complication
no operation for the swallowed bilge, descended with the blades remains
deranged and pained, the main conclusion is this new land’s our claim to fame
a psyche stained compares to what most of us gained, an aim of instability
Physically spent along with hours using powers to cipher a storms vicious misery
Spun instantly which felt longer than watching the wheelhouse sail underneath
drained disbelief is the missing link between surviving and plundered shrieks….


…..thought it seems…..

Overall pretty good though I think the previous verse is the best of the three here. This being the second best of the three. I liked the alliteration " dry decks decay" as well the assonance.
However I thought you could have done more in terms of compound syllables spice it up.

Stay writing

[OG Maestro]

Basically, like TGF said, this was a vast improvement from the last collab.

I'll just say this was dope as hell and give out some constructive criticism since the dude up from me pretty much said everything I wanted to say.

Pistol Pete - Condense those lines to maximize effect

Cai - Keep doing what you do, you had the best verse

KP - Keep doing what you do bro, you always bring heat

Really nothing to say, unless I started picking on slight technicals and what not.
This was enjoyable.
@KnowP I know you mentioned it in the PM, but those links are needed as soon as you can

And nice usage of that picture. I be ducking around the Internet's jungles for fresh shit.
I remember I use to type in "Cool Pictures" in the google search engine lmao.

[Pistols Pete]

Preciate the feed, say the clouds were murder victims is describing the time day when the sky is red and bleeding into the clouds and the the sun shines just slightly through them as it sets. But I'll be sure to peep some other drops and leave feed as well as work on condensing my lines props on feedback

[The Great Father]

Ah shit, it's The Pudge! People have been saying you got two heart attacks.

[KnowP]

@Professor Frost I'll get them links in the morning.

[The Great Father]

I never complimented this piece. The last IP collab was the worst thing I'd ever seen. There was no direction but up.

[Venom]

Preciate the feed, say the clouds were murder victims is describing the time day when the sky is red and bleeding into the clouds and the the sun shines just slightly through them as it sets. But I'll be sure to peep some other drops and leave feed as well as work on condensing my lines props on feedback

Ah woord. Makes sense.

[KnowP]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...Voices-Of-Many
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...rthern-Beggar)