material wealth vs. spiritual health

[iDeaLoGiK]

Lookin at what ive learned
in the past year. ive. been. dealt
Its that Material wealth
will never amount to spir.i.tual. health
Its seared in my brain, Im hearin it melt
Fill in the blanks, I fear it as well,
A delerious shell that has clearly developed
a need to rebel, the demon that fell
If im Feelin swell then its freezin in hell
Been cheatin myself, seeded with doubt
Needin that weed for remedial help
Imediately im released from my cell
Alternatively turnin beast to prevail
The bridges are burnin retreat or derail
Concern of defeat and the fee it entails
Reverse it for me and be tippin the scales

[Celph Taut]

I think you may have been more focused on your rhyme scheme rather than the story you were trying to tell. I mean, you do a good job of it for the most part, but some schemes are a bit "clouded" and kind of throw me through a loop.

Evidence of pessimistic vested misdirection
Is the leverage to sever this the reverent dimension
To get a grip and end this shit the center of my attention



This ^ one is an example.



That's not to say you aren't displaying your message through it, it's just overshadowed by the rhyme scheme and obvious catering of it being its focus. Aside from that, it isn't bad. Would've wished for it to be more longer and meaningful. Keep it up, Ideal!

[iDeaLoGiK]

I switched it up since and shortened it to 8 bars, double time, part of a bigger project.

Problem with the part you highlighted was that i wrote it without a beat

[erratic]

i think your rhyme scheme over shadow what you where saying.