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Thread: Fitting In

  1. #1
    I'll have the gabagool Fresh's Avatar
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    Fitting In


    Its so hard to make it in this world...

    Yo

    I'm swimming through the dead sea, keepin steady
    Even though the salt is bitter its keeping me afloat
    Like an ice-cream soda, soon I'll be ready
    to better myself and work with the salt,
    I'll be like a boat
    My thoughts are coming out of my head with such suddenness
    that its as if the fucking air around me suddenly gets gluttonous
    Draining me of my last ounce of being its so fucking onerous
    But its the thinking that gives the very fabric of my soul sustenance
    I must admit that I'm feeling rather peculiar, nuclear bombs
    seem so damn familiar, my world is nearly gone
    Can you hear me mom? I'm not feeling so superior
    I'm sick of it all so my mind is wishing it gone
    In an instant its gone, diminished within the fog
    Like I've been stricken by awe inspired events after
    licking venomous frogs it never actually goes away,
    and this is the end of the song
    Last edited by Fresh; December 11th, 2013 at 04:41 PM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Soule
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    Re: Fitting In

    I see a lot of you guys doing keyed verses to beats. Different style than I'm use to. I liked the wording for the most part. Rhyme scheme kinda confused me because I'm use to the class AABB style and you didn't do that the entire time. Overall, I can't do a whole lot of criticism until I see you actually hit a concept or story line so I'll just keep it at nice key style and keep writing.

  4. #4
    I'll have the gabagool Fresh's Avatar
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    Re: Fitting In

    Thanks @Belligerent
    I'm currently entered in the sacred scriptures, hopefully I can take their concept and ride with it.

  5. #5
    I'll have the gabagool Fresh's Avatar
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    Re: Fitting In

    up up and away

  6. #6
    BEST topical writer... Endeva.'s Avatar
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    Re: Fitting In

    I'd focus on 'rhyme consistency' if I were you... I don't mean so it's all generic babel, just so it's more structured, so it all ties in better... it'll help your flow/fluidity and use internals to keep it going and bridge your other rhymes...

    keep progressing

    ........pz
    [youtube]99ns8n2S40g[/youtube]

  7. #7
    ppooiuttdfghjkkkyfdssryuj
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    Re: Fitting In

    This could be much better with a solid rhyme pattern. A couple times when you switched it up it wasnt in a good spot so it seemed really blunt and stuck out like a sore thumb

    Some good vocab... couple lines were mehh but others were better.

    Could use more in-rhymes.

    The boat simile was weak imo.

  8. #8
    I'll have the gabagool Fresh's Avatar
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    Re: Fitting In

    thanks for the feed

  9. #9
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    Re: Fitting In

    Ha Ha!!!! You wrote against a beat... makes it more interesting to read to... LOVE IT!!!!

    @xXFresHXx you one of the best on here... keep them coming!!!

  10. #10
    I'll have the gabagool Fresh's Avatar
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    Re: Fitting In

    Thank @CLA919 appreciate it.

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