Alone

[Soule]

My heart isn't a shield, it's weak and ready to die,
I don't know what to feel, and I speak instead of cry.
Been alone so long it's like a bad dream instead of life,
my soul isn't gone, it's just asleep beneath the sky.
Afraid to wake up and be torn apart by your sweet goodbyes,
afraid to be taken from its vessel only to plea for a ride.
It's one thing to walk away, but you broke my faith,
you took how I see love and turned it into this pain.
I fell for you a long time ago and tried to move on,
but every woman makes me question every truth, am I wrong?
I see women with abusive men, women with each other,
I see women with a noose in hand and women turned to mothers.
While I rot in my meadow, a shell of my former self,
used to be a lively fellow until pills corned me in hell.
Now I go to work and back, my words intact with a shadow,
I've been cursed by the past, a girl trapped me in the gallows.
The water isn't shallow, in fact it's quite deep,
so I take any bottle just to drown out my weeps.

[Soule]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...657/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...418/index.html

[Endeva.]

i'll come back to this in 5, n' leave some thoughts

[$pitacular]

This was the strongest couplet, set the tone for the entire piece

My heart isn't a shield, it's weak and ready to die,
I don't know what to feel, and I speak instead of cry.

I also felt this one as well:

Now I go to work and back, my words intact with a shadow,
I've been cursed by the past, a girl trapped me in the gallows.

All in all, it's an OK piece, I feel like it was a little too short but decent.

[Endeva.]

just remembered I was coming back to this lol...

anyways, first thing is, its too short, it fucks with the balance of things, you could of went more in to whats behind his reasoning or its impact on his present life... it seemed more like jottings, venting feelings, rather than the complete story of a mans solitude

just being critical there, overall it was still a decent read

my fav bar -

my soul isn't gone, it's just asleep beneath the sky.
Afraid to wake up and be torn apart by your sweet goodbyes,

keep 'em coming bro

.......pz

[Soule]

Thanks guys. It was just a simple facebook status that I decided to post.

[Endeva.]

Thanks guys. It was just a simple facebook status that I decided to post.

lol, I sometimes do that

[Fresh]

My heart isn't a shield, it's weak and ready to die,
I don't know what to feel, and I speak instead of cry.
Been alone so long it's like a bad dream instead of life,
my soul isn't gone, it's just asleep beneath the sky.

Love how you grab the readers attention with the first 2 barrs, it really sets the atmosphere.

I see women with abusive men, women with each other,
I see women with a noose in hand and women turned to mothers.

^^^ I get you on this too, I see smokin hot girls chilling with the douchiest bags you could ever imagine, whether it be like some comic book nerd or some abusive asshole, it always boggles the mind.

All in all nice read, had a good flow to it, got you message across. I would say the rhyme scheme was a little simple, but hey for a quick piece you just got off your chest its really decent. Look forward to seeing you write some more complex pieces.
Cheers