User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: The Land of Smiles

  1. #1

    The Land of Smiles

    The Landing was violent, cock-pit was quiet
    & for my dollar the flight was on auto pilot/
    Jet lag when i arrive I'm tired/
    eyes drowsy & water more than all the fluid that borders the island/
    The sea sneaks in a sweet & silent breeze
    A single tear trickle down my cheek/
    As the sun rays glide across the street
    With the grace of a figure skaters feet/
    I'm Home, the flight longer then intended making my back the center of attention
    With my hemorrhoids flaring up with a lingering resentment
    Ice protrudes from the perspiring coca cola glass/
    A cold soda always has act as if it was designed to counteract an open gash/
    Receptionist rolls out the welcome Matts
    A service tray with cool towel and healthy snacks/
    Bombarded with pamphlets and visitor maps,
    A heavy reading content if i can't manage to navigate the complex/
    The bell hop spoke with a thick accent
    More than a baggage handler he was a pimp actually/
    He promised women of mixed stature
    A rare attraction and a box spring gluteus Maximus/
    His thoughts seem to shed some light
    As the resort was packed with people from all walks of life/
    Elderly couples enjoyin the summer nights
    To the single types looking for a fling if your talk was right/
    Outside of the resorts confinement
    My will power was tested like some sort of assignment/
    Women with beauty so astounding
    But like a flaw in a diamond a look closer you'll see what’s inside em/
    Lush European businesses meant to camouflage the poverty environment/
    Locals living in dilapidated houses playing hostess to foreigners constantly smiling at them/
    Little kids and the less fortunate pan handle in front clubs so openly/
    To the desperation of women focusing, their attention to a man who promise them love hopefully/
    A place we call paradise could easily be hell with a deeper insight/
    Prostitution, drugs and famine such a seductive invite/
    Scytsophrenia

  2. #2

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Northern Beggar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    where the cash flow...
    Age
    36
    Posts
    366

    Re: The Land of Smiles

    rtf

    I really like the content of this piece. I did an exploratory piece once about Boston (my hometown) examining the different aspect of it and this piece reminded me of it somewhat. I liked how u lull the readers in with a lush and soothing/beautiful landscape then hit us with this dark reality that are often left forgotten (or rather, hidden) in favor of economic advancements lol. In that respect, i dug the piece. The problem here, i thought, was the mechanics. The rhyming was very basic with very little multies or inners, consisting mostly of end rhyming. Maybe technical wasn't ur focus but it would make a good piece better if u can wrap it up in some nice rhyming. Also, putting a "/" at the end of ur bars is very newbish lol. We can all live without it. But despite some flaws, i like the imageries and the commentary of the piece. good ish, Yellowtape. 1.
    [youtube]DmSREFKsZ7Y[/youtube]

  4. #4

    Re: The Land of Smiles

    Thanks for the critique but the verse is riddled with multies, metaphors and its everything but basic. I try to focus more on painting a picture without coming off too complex and uninteresting
    Scytsophrenia

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Northern Beggar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    where the cash flow...
    Age
    36
    Posts
    366

    Re: The Land of Smiles

    ok, upon a 4th and 5th read, i did catch a few of the multies, that i missed the first time around (at first read, i usually scan for content merit and then a 2nd or 3rd time for technical skills). it was done very naturally, maybe thats why i didnt caught it the first time around. but, no lie, this was a solid drop, Yellow. glad ur on the team, bro.
    [youtube]DmSREFKsZ7Y[/youtube]

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! VOB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Capitol of Germany
    Age
    39
    Posts
    136
    Battle Record
    1-4

    Re: The Land of Smiles

    Well this was OK.

    I really liked the topic and the way you opened
    ya verse made me feel like this could be something
    good but then it just turned out to be an OK drop.
    The theme is cool, you really coulda made this something
    special but you kinda drifted away throughout the drop.
    First six lines had me on some Kanye homecoming shit
    but then it got irrelevant.
    Don't get me wrong, the flow was ok, yet choppy here and
    there. Multis were given as well but still this
    didn't float my boat. Try to go deeper with the emotions
    next time.

    Anyway, this was decent...stay up
    .....Hittin' N Runnin'since 2004.....

    Birth Of Creation

  7. #7
    The New Retro Classic Pistols Pete's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    370
    Battle Record
    5-10

    Re: The Land of Smiles

    Positive: Your metaphors were nice.. both funny and created some nice imagery and some parts flowed amazingly fuild. I liked the picture you painted.. it brought me into your verse and the place you described

    Negative: Your flow was in and out.. in audio you can rhyme a ton of words you can't rhyme in text cause it comes off forced, just a side note. Also watch your wording... go back and proof read.. cause a few spots being reworded could have really made this piece even greater...

    Keep writing, your good, and take criticism cause it helps you become an even greater writer..

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    Infekted Penz


    The Birth Of Creation

Similar Threads

  1. Mona Lisa Smiles
    By AveryBlaze in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: September 28th, 2010, 08:23 AM
  2. The Sun Smiles
    By 143 in forum Closed Poems
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: October 11th, 2007, 10:38 PM
  3. When J. Holiday Smiles I think to myself....
    By Bebe Calione Heat in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: October 9th, 2007, 06:30 PM
  4. Behind da smiles
    By anger in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: August 1st, 2005, 08:52 PM
  5. Goodnight Kisses and Morning Smiles
    By Ace of Aces in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: October 27th, 2004, 09:12 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •