Choking

[Bos]

Thanks for feedback guys, i'll hit up links soon

[.RainMan]

It's not bad, even you took too much stuff from 8 Mile and Lose Yourself. It's kind of cool to paraphrase a verse from a song, but you started talking about choking in front of a crowd, just like that 8 Mile scene, it started to look like imitating it and not inspiring from it.

The whole idea of dying and then come back to reality is a cliche, and you also used the rhyme "go-show" twice, which I don't think it's a pretty good idea.

Overall, it's nod entirely bad, but there are a lot of things you can and should work on.

[#PrimeTime]

Smfh @ feedback these days...

For a written, ur piece was well structured, this wasnt a topical so structure wasn't the biggest issue u needed to address... anyways...

This was good, flow was smooth, not choppy, the end rhymes were good, not great but not bad, try addin some inner rhymes as well, i think it woulda made this piece hot.

While doing that I asked myself this question: Whats this all about?
But I saw nobody acting and I couldn't open my mouth
I finally realized I was choking, cause the words didnt come out
I was in need of air, but the situation had me in control..no doubt
Cause my oxygen level went down and I started grasping to save my life
My system failed..I was dying..like somebody cut down my air supplies
Then all of a sudden I heard someone calling me..it was a deep voice
It was like wearing headphones and I didn't hear no other noice

^ this part in ur rap was prolly my favorite, prolly cuz it brings alot of imagery in here and emotion. Vocab was good here, but multi's prolly woulda been a better choice only because the line length was pretty long here.


Bos u always surprise me, u leave then u come back to the site n u drop some hot shit that i was like damn hes gettin better. Jus some lil things to work on is what i mainly suggest like inner rhymes, addin some multi's to the longer length lines, stuff like that. Good drop my dogg, keep at it Bos.

[Domo_Dolo]

Good story, at first I thought you were trying to do a flow like Em's but quickly put that aside and re-read it. Overall it's good and like others tell me just keep it up

[Bos]

Smfh @ feedback these days...

For a written, ur piece was well structured, this wasnt a topical so structure wasn't the biggest issue u needed to address... anyways...

This was good, flow was smooth, not choppy, the end rhymes were good, not great but not bad, try addin some inner rhymes as well, i think it woulda made this piece hot.



^ this part in ur rap was prolly my favorite, prolly cuz it brings alot of imagery in here and emotion. Vocab was good here, but multi's prolly woulda been a better choice only because the line length was pretty long here.


Bos u always surprise me, u leave then u come back to the site n u drop some hot shit that i was like damn hes gettin better. Jus some lil things to work on is what i mainly suggest like inner rhymes, addin some multi's to the longer length lines, stuff like that. Good drop my dogg, keep at it Bos.

Best feedback ever. Very much appreciated, Jeff. Good looks, homie.