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Thread: Brotherly Love

  1. #1
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    Brotherly Love

    Brotherly Love


    Friendship since adolescence, a magical essence
    Within our presence, surviving sunshine and toxic resins 
    The highs and lows of life, the cries and woes of strife
    Despising those rife with judgement and staying close to light
    Savoring the good times and learning from the staggering
    Amounts of laboring ones, at times we risked endangering
    What we had, with arguments leaving us bloody mad
    But episodes of Undergrads result in sudden acts
    Of unspoken atonement, taking life slow in the moment,
    Not to take it for granted, and become hopelessly roped in

    He was becoming reserved and it was disheartening 
    Silence served as a message, it was me it was targeting 
    He refused to reveal to me any confession
    "avoid aggression when you question me, the decongestion 
    Will come when I'm ready," my hands were sweaty and unsteady,
    Dreading his news, tried calming down but nerves wouldn't let me
    When he finally spoke, my hope broke, my face became tear soaked
    I choked when he noted without a new lung he would croak
    It's not Christmas but I'll gift you mine, because I would miss this
    Friendship, couldn't live with myself if you died, no distance 
    Or adversity could stop me, slice me open purposely
    Take what quenches your thirst from me, consider it burden free
    'Cause I love you like a brother, said without a stutter 
    Cut me open like butter, counting down, I'm going under

    Young man, I fear that there's terrible news to report,
    Your dear friend nearly lived but sadly, his life was cut short
    There were complications, leading to him bleeding out
    Breathing ceased, his heart: seizing, and the flat line: repeating loud
    Before surgery he was urging me to say he loved you,
    That he would always look over you from an above view
    You should know, he was cautioned, should he go under the knife 
    To give a lung, it's likely that he'd lose the wonder of life...


    ...Damn
    infektedpenz


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    Last edited by trajik; November 24th, 2011 at 02:18 PM
    infektedpenz


  3. #3
    huh? Vinzr's Avatar
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    You've definitely elevated a lot since I've been gone. I don't know how much you've been up to but surely based on your improvements I'd assume you've written quite a bit in my absence, and it's good to see that too. I really liked the approach you took with this piece and you incorporated a bit of wordplay/metaphors in there. As always, your rhyme scheme is top notch, I think you're really shaping out with your rhyming with your better use of vocab and such. All in all this was a great effort man and it's definitely good to see you on the right track towards becoming a better writer. Keep it up!

  4. #4
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    Thanks Vin, I'm glad you think I'm improving
    infektedpenz


  5. #5
    Trajik Viewz Str8 JackIt's Avatar
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    Young man, I fear that there's terrible news to report,
    Your dear friend nearly lived but sadly, his life was cut short
    There were complications, leading to him bleeding out
    Breathing ceased, his heart: seizing, and the flat line: repeating loud
    Before surgery he was urging me to say he loved you,
    That he would always look over you from an above view
    You should know, he was cautioned, should he go under the knife
    To give a lung, it's likely that he'd lose the wonder of life...

    - nuff said

    The Birth Of Creation

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    Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal

  6. #6
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    Lmfao! Langy that's some terrible feed, I hope you don't plan on using that for a feed back link.
    infektedpenz


  7. #7
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    Upping one more time.
    infektedpenz


  8. #8
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    Pos, I think that is fitting that you changed your name because with this verse, it's a transformation of your style. Vivid lines that had nice internals and sims, flow on point, and you upped your vocab. I know that you will be a beast for the next SS season and this drop is the calling card to all. I love this. Great Drop...


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    Best Topical Writer: 143

  9. #9
    Will One? W.isdom I.s L.ife so L.iv's Avatar
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    i read this a few times... it's not bad. i see you used the Common rhyme scheme of complete a line on the next line ... as seen here:
    Savoring the good times and learning from the staggering
    Amounts of laboring ones,
    i wont lie that through it off for me at 1st but when i caught on to what you were doing it was more understandable. anyways keep rapping keep writing .. keep posting

    pc
    Love Life Live

  10. #10
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    Thanks dudes.

    143, I'll be knocking on yours and vinny's door to be of the best two SS records for the crew.
    infektedpenz


  11. #11
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    This was a nice drop man, you're getting better with every piece. This won;t be the same amount of feed I usually give, because I'm tired, but it was a really nice piece. You used some impressive vocabulary in this piece, it's always good to have a lot of words at your disposal, as a writer, your words are everything, so you need to know as many as possible, just to keep things fresh and interesting, you did this here. I liked the way you approached this, there was a lot of really cool imagery mixed with emotion, and it really painted a picture. I think you could work on the flow, and maybe go even harder with your rhyme scheme, just to really draw the reader in, but all in all, this was a good piece dude, props!.

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  12. #12
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    Thanks witty, appreciate it! You vets are confusing as shit, saying use more rhymes or use less rhymes its like damn, I wish vets were on the same page with this lol. You might not like the style my next few pieces are as it's less rhyme scheme and more content driven, or at least for me. Haha.
    infektedpenz


  13. #13
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    You just gotta find your own style, and roll with it.

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  14. #14
    Esquire. Mr. Black's Avatar
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    Re: Brotherly Love

    ^ preach...

    dont let anybody tell you how you should rhyme

    do what comes naturally homie
    I'm here to break my own ball and chain..

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