Is This The Meaning Of Love?

[Fatal.]

LOVE

7 am – Sitting, sipping my fresh brewed cup of coffee
Trying to awaken my mind to start feeling lofty
Softly, taking a drag off this Marlboro cigarette
Waiting for my energy to kick in, because I can’t feel it yet
It’s a nice day, is it going to rain? ... Probably not
Starting off my morning relaxing outside of this coffee shop
Contemplating what to do with my life on this beautiful day
Starting my morning with a kick, to me is a crucial way
.
45 minutes later…
.
I was just about to leave my seat and go on with my day
But my attention drifted to this girl that blew me away
Tight white dress, heels, and lip stick perfectly placed
I couldn’t stop staring and my eyes were circling her face
She had a sexy attitude and her figure was gorgeously shaped
I couldn’t let this kind of girl in this world escape
I hesitated and fixed my collar, jumped up out of my seat
I was so nervous that I felt like I couldn’t walk on my feet
But I couldn’t retreat…I was craving to interact with this woman
Slowly walked towards her as my stomach was turning into pudding
I had this feeling inside of me, which I could describe as butterflies
Taking heavy breathes, heart jumping…I felt like I was gonna fuckin’ die
Despite the nervousness, I walked up to her and words exited my lips
We started conversing, our emotions were steady but yet a bit mixed
My interest for her was off the radar, but I couldn’t pin point her thoughts
I was better off just guessing or just relying on a coin toss
She was mysterious, elegant, enchanting….oh how amazing she is
I wonder if she is lonely or is she looking for a relationship
Thought about it for a second, but didn’t want to take things too quick
After we exchanged numbers, she smiled with her nice teeth and cute lips
I smiled back and she walked away, then I listened to her shoes click
This feeling is taking over my body….this was a sign, I knew it.
.
2 hours later…
.
Back at my crib I was relaxed on top of my king size bed
That amazing girl I met today was swirling inside my head
I decided to call her and make plans for the two of us tonight
I wanted to make a good impression so I had to do it right
Made reservations from one of my favorite Italian restaurants around
It has a great reputation and clearly the best within in this town
… The night began, I was freshened up in the my best gear
Had the golden diamonds in my right and left ear
Pulled up to her residence in my nice whip…
…And opened the door for her and told her watch your step dear
I complimented her and told her how amazing she looked
Told her the surprise about how our names are arranged in the book
She was happy as we drove there, things were getting bold here
I was flirting with this girl like I absolutely had no fear
The restaurant was charming and the scenery was to die for
The food was delicious and we bonded great until exiting out of the door
We left earlier than expected, But I felt connected and respected
Never was rejected and we both kept this precious moment we’ve collected
Checked it and loved it with conversation and hugging
Contemplating like nothing and this situation I’m loving
Then to elaborate, it elevates to celebrate with humping
We both knew no debate was coming
This date was perfectly on my plate to rub in
Took her home and got it baking like ovens
We were naked and touching
Then a thought embraced in my brain or something..

“….Does this really explain what LOVE is…?”

[Fatal.]

I'll have links soon.

[Euphonic]

Alright fam, this piece was not that bad. However, I would definitely consider this above the average, but that's about it. Let me start off by saying this idea is a little played, not really, but I mean this concept is basic, no real big twist at the end or anything. Let me start off by commenting your flow. It's not bad. It stayed on point through out this whole piece. I always look for choppiness in the a verse, or the inability to keep it smooth. But this shit went nice. The rhyme scheme is basic as well. Kind of the A B A B A B scheme, nothing special or out of the ordinary, but still flow'd well. I didn't really expect anything off the charts pertaining to the scheme. Although, you had some decent multi lines in here. When it comes to the metaphorical aspect of this piece, I'll be honest, I did not see much. You had a few lines here, but probably could have put a little more work into it. Not an insult either. Your shit was still nice playa. As far as the story line, you stuck to the script forsure. Didn't veer off or fuck up at any point in regards to that. I had some nice images in my head. Of course you could always improve it a bit, but I was able to picture what you spoke of, and how everything was happening. One really big suggestion I have is to try and use a bigger vocabulary. I noticed you kind of wrote this like you were speaking it, opposed to "writing" a poem, or written. And I say that because you swore a few times, and switched from 3rd person to 1st person a couple of time. When it comes to what tense you are speaking, try to stick to the script.

For example; don't speak of future tense for the start of one bar, then finish it with a past or present tense. There are exceptions to the rule, of course. I'm just generally speaking. But like I said, bigger vocab would make this a lot more of an Open Mic. Overall dude, honestly? I liked it. I'm not trying to be critical, just trying to let you know where I feel your weak spots were. What was good? The flow was on point. You had some very nice imagery in here, and were able to stick to the story line.. & seriously some people struggle doing that. I'm not sure if this is a true story, and something you really felt, or if you wrote it out of imagination, either way, you were able to be successful in doing so. Keep it up bro, you have some talent and that is obvious. I don't know if your a text, audio, or topical cat, but I can tell you'll do nothing but improve in this aspect of writing. I am new to this site, and read the rules and what not, so I hope this is "proper feedback" but I would like to read some of your shit in the future. I'm sure you'll elevate. Keep it up, you have potential brother.

Some quotes I liked:

I was just about to leave my seat and go on with my day
But my attention drifted to this girl that blew me away
Tight white dress, heels, and lip stick perfectly placed
I couldn’t stop staring and my eyes were circling her face
She had a sexy attitude and her figure was gorgeously shaped
I couldn’t let this kind of girl in this world escape

Thought about it for a second, but didn’t want to take things too quick
After we exchanged numbers, she smiled with her nice teeth and cute lips

We left earlier than expected, But I felt connected and respected
Never was rejected and we both kept this precious moment we’ve collected
Checked it and loved it with conversation and hugging
Contemplating like nothing and this situation I’m loving
Then to elaborate, it elevates to celebrate with humping

Keep it up man, I'm dropping a piece later tonight, I'll much appreciate it if you hit it up.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...237/index.html

Peace!

[Fatal.]

thanks man, that was probably the best feed i've ever seen on this site tbh. i appreciate it a lot bro. ill rtf

[Fatal.]

bump ill rtf

[Fatal.]

bump

[Madbeats]

I really enjoyed reading this bro. I think the first part flows better than the last, but it's all very descriptive and sets a certain tone. The whole time I wanted to read on to see what was gonna happen.

[Fatal.]

thanks bro

[WhatsHisFace]

intresting piece. Most storys with the theme of love have heartbrake. But intersting touch writing about a nice date with a nice women, and at the end, ask if the particular events of the day define what love is. Creative outlook on the theme of love so nice job with that. Another thing you did will was detail actions. The first little stanza was nice. Nice detail with the coffe and Brand of cigs. and also nice detail of getting perpared of the date. Reserving at a returant, thoughts of the girl, mainly around "2 hours later."

I would have been nice to use detail the women more though. You used good word choice to create the image of this women, but petic devices could have been better help to you. Metaphors and smilies could have create a better tone and image. In my piece, I used allusions to compare a women to Aphrodite (The Goddess of Love) Here's my piece talking about love is you want to cheek it out:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre....html?t=461320

Overal, good piece. Nice detail, good flow though it got medicore at times. There were some multis and one inter, but it didn't effect the flow or overall effect of story. Nice drop, keep writing!

Return the feed please: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...927/index.html

[Fatal.]

appreciate it. i'll rtf when i get home.

[Fatal.]

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