To Understand

[WhatsHisFace]

To Understand

Its around 3:30 in the morning and I'm writing.
To clear my brain from tonight when my parents were fighting.
Death threats and dark secrets were flying and then it got frighting,
As my mom pulled a knife on my dad and then my brother started crying.
The cops came then we all acted sane and began lying.
Denying everything and anything that the cops were justifying.
Soon the cops left and so did my parents, leaving us alone.
My brother asked “What are we going to eat?” I said, “I don't know.”
Our hunger kept growing as I tried to call their phones.
1,000 attempts to connect, but all I got was 1,000 dial tones.
I'm getting used to this, maybe that's why my emotions are rarely shown.
It's to late for a therapist since all the hatefulness infected every single bone.
Is their something I need to atone to? They say God is forgiving. Right?
My cousin said if I start believing in God again, in could shed some insight.
Maybe God just didn't hear me when I bargained with the sky every night.
Or Maybe God is just mad at me for my past, so that's why my parents fight.
For a couple years now I mocked God's name, God's reign, and God's might.
I'm walking in darkness, but hopefully God understands that I'm trying to find the light.

[Hook]
Wasted air spent on people who are curious.
Deaf ears listen to these words of wisdom and experience.
So I hope you are able to listen as best as you can.
I don't need sympathy. Just someone who can understand.

Today, my teacher told me that lately it seemed like I was depressed.
He wouldn't shut up about how I can “trust” him so I just confessed.
He said he was a psychologist and told me that for my age I'm “to” stressed.
That its best to get some rest and seek a therapist to get these burdens off my chest.
I acted nice and thankful and threw his advice along with the rest of the pile.
And instead, try to make last nights and today's events into lyrics that are worthwhile.
At times I wish I had elective amnesia but my brain keeps everything on file.
I know I made the right decisions throughout my life, but maybe I'm just in denial.
Either I burnt bridges, lost connect, or have trust issues I always remain independent.
After all the lies and abandonment I promised myself never to become dependent.
3 heart breaks, 2 failed suicide takes and 1 heart that still needs to be mended.
So many joyful and meaningful times that I felt would last forever, all have ended.
Damn I don't know what do with my future, I don't even have a simple plan.
Right now I'm spiraling out of control, searching for somewhere to land.
It's not like I'm ungrateful, believe me I try to make the best of the worst as best as I can.
But in my life, dead people, fiction characters and a group of strangers are the only one who truly understand.

[Hook]
Wasted air spent on people who are curious.
Deaf ears listen to these words of wisdom and experience.
So I hope you are able to listen as best as you can.
I don't need sympathy. Just someone who can understand.

(2 day piece I've been working on, this is my first attempt on writing a rap song so some feedback on verse length or creating a good hook or anything else would be much appreciated)

Links:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...754/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...44#post8297744
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...067/index.html

[<SamPle>]

"As my mom pulled a knife on my dad and then my brother started crying"

this was quite along long line which i felt didnt fit with the flow, i suggestion would be to add another multi.

"then my mom was pulling a knife on my dad and my brother starts crying"

I dont belive in god, but this was nice:

"Maybe God just didn't hear me when I bargained with the sky every night.
Or Maybe God is just mad at me for my past, so that's why my parents fight.
For a couple years now I mocked God's name, God's reign, and God's might.
I'm walking in darkness, but hopefully God understands that I'm trying to find the light"

the second verse didnt flow aswell coz i felt some lines were to long to flwo with BUT i dont knwo yuor flow maybe it works, maybe try rephraing some lines to make it shorter..

however, the second verse ahd more emotion.... more discription so in that sense was better

the hook was very nice, kept it reasonabley simple and good ryhmes.

traditionaly a rap song would have another verse or 2 really long verses, maybe try do one more

overall, not bad for first rap song

keep going man

[Mac]

As my mom pulled a knife on my dad and then my brother started crying

this is a nice quote but i see u had creativity, not much, but enough to be seen in that verse

Its around 3:30 in the morning and I'm writing.
To clear my brain from tonight when my parents were fighting.
Death threats and dark secrets were flying and then it got frighting,
As my mom pulled a knife on my dad and then my brother started crying.

kinda creative, i like the concept..

overall this wasnt bad or very good. keep it boy

[WhatsHisFace]

Up, thanks for the feed guys.

[Witty]

This was decent. Your lines were too long a lot of the time though, the amount of syllables you put in to some lines was too much, it can work, but it is difficult to pull off, and unfortunately I don't think you completely did that in this, due to the syllable count being a bit all over the place, the flow wasn't brilliant in this piece, sometimes it was a bit awkward making the transition between lines, which took away from the read. The content was ok in this, their was a lot of emotion, which is really how this was driven, you portrayed the scene very well, the imagery was the most impressive part of this, the picture was painted very well, I could see it happening in my head, that's a good talent to have, essential for a story like this. Your wording was quite basic, you should try experimenting with lesser used words, not using big words, but sometimes more interesting words make a piece a lot fresher, regardless of size. This was cool though, you've got talent, and I look forward to your next piece, keep at it bro.

Get at this:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...191/index.html

[WhatsHisFace]

Up, more feedback would be nice. Thanks for the feed Witness

[WhatsHisFace]

Last Up damnit.

[The_king]

The rap has a dark reel to it, me personaly, i like that, only major things i see that need improvement is to make the bars shorter and add a few more bars to the hook,