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Thread: "Imprisoned"

  1. #1
    Trajik Viewz Str8 JackIt's Avatar
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    "Imprisoned"

    "Imprisoned"

    A writer….a pen…a pad, and his mind…
    Combined, interlace a lifeform visually confined,
    Intertwine, such imagination freely from the blind,
    Spots of hind, quarter imagery that kicks at those behind,
    You…


    Inscribe horizons and land-scapes,
    Provided through hand-scrapes,
    Inspired by architectual gestures…
    A measure of a mind that demands-great,
    Normally commands-fate,
    Through eyelids shut but visualizing textures…
    Then lecture what divides an image by syllabic rhymes,
    Arithmetic lines, multiplied by sums producing nouns…
    Adding a couple verbs,
    Which subtracts from all the herbs,
    Constructing a bat that navigates directions from the sounds…

    The writer…his pen…his pad, and his mind…
    Combined, interlacing what develops from his thoughts…
    The art which comes together giving to sight to all whos blind,
    To the value of a painting from a brain that can’t be bought…


    In laying down the canvas, he sharpens up his brush,
    Then dips the tip in a liquid for his college ruled-lust,
    Influenced to flow congruently imaginations flushed,
    The work of a Michaelangelo empowered by a thrust,
    Of the wrist, with a little twist, which develops deep,
    Meaning to his words, consequently makes his paper weep,
    With the tears, that can’t be erased, he just lets it seep,
    Dripping in a jar, sealed for which emotions he should keep,
    To later reuse that ink, to remind each of his fans,
    That he does this from the heart, through an art he doesn’t plan,
    Adrenaline jerks his ligaments creating what a man,
    Is only able to carbonate when trapped inside a can…

    That writer…that pen…that pad, and that mind…
    Free…now that he has found the key that works his cell…
    Sliding open the bars, hoping the exits ajar,
    Be let back out in the world, walking head high from his jail…


    The Birth Of Creation

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    Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal

  2. #2
    Trajik Viewz Str8 JackIt's Avatar
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    The Birth Of Creation

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal

  3. #3

    Word

    "Influenced to flow congruently imaginations flushed,
    The work of a Michaelangelo empowered by a thrust,
    Of the wrist, with a little twist, which develops deep,
    Meaning to his words, consequently makes his paper weep,"


    Nice piece..this stuck out to me right here...you set a mood with the joint....keep writing...

  4. #4
    Cosa Nostra The Gwapfather's Avatar
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    Re: "Imprisoned"

    Damn Beta you are gonna be beast soon bruh haha, your storylines are coming together better, more creative/unique, your flows are gettin more advanced, same with your vocab, keep elevating in all of those areas, but the area that seems to need the most work is how you present your material now, like the 4th stanza just seemed a bit more dumbed down far as the rhyme scheme and some of the wording, there was next to no multis and just rhyming (deep, weep, seek, keep) but don't get me wrong, at times you have to lay back from multis so you don't take away from your content, but when a whole huge chunk is depended on a single syllable rhyme, it takes away from the piece a bit, you'r at the stage where you know what you need to do, your just piecing it all together, but this is one of the best pieces I've read from you, the few things I've mentioned are just to give you something to work off of, cuz for the most part I really enjoyed this verse, well done fam..


    when you get time, rtf here for me:

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...690/index.html

    EDIT: nvm, you were feeding my verse when I was feeding yours lol, I'll hit your other one up today at some point as well
    Last edited by The Gwapfather; September 29th, 2011 at 04:14 AM

  5. #5
    Trajik Viewz Str8 JackIt's Avatar
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    Re: "Imprisoned"

    bump

    The Birth Of Creation

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    Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal

  6. #6
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    Re: "Imprisoned"

    Langy your writing is so unique, so creative. You always use such interesting concepts your story telling is nice. The rhyme scheme in the first stanza (I'm not counting the chorus type paragraphs as stanzas) had a cool rhyme scheme, though your structuring confused the hell out of me. BUT it read so smoothly and so beautifully, great flow and amazing word choices. Your second stanza, seemed simpler on the rhyme scheme and word choices but still great, I would have liked to see an increased rhyme scheme using more multis and internals in that stanza. This while piece had great imagery and was very well written. Good work Langy.


    Your elevation is leaving me in it's jet stream, lol.
    infektedpenz


  7. #7

    Re: "Imprisoned"

    Wassup Beta, how you doin? I don't think we've met before. Concerning this peice of artwork right here, I think you did a pretty good job. The title of it is honestly what made me click on this song to begin with. And you actually put your lyrics together in a way which I think makes it feel more poetic when you analyze it. Your flow was good, and I liked a lot of the vocab you chose to display your concept. Nice work. Keep rappin.

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