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Thread: The Developing

  1. #1
    Trajik Viewz Str8 JackIt's Avatar
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    The Developing



    Peeping through the lens, you’ll only get a glimpse…
    With focus of yourself, zooming in gets so intense…
    The pixels break apart, and you notice little blips…
    Where your character has changed, and the image seen has slipped…
    Hoping things developed wrong you dip it back under the light…
    Adjust the brightness thinking it’s something wrong with your sight…
    Barely able to make out all the reasons for the errors…
    Thoughts of looking back through the photo album gives you terrors…
    Whether there was progression slow enough you didn’t notice…
    Or ignoring the facts hoping companions were a novice…
    Looking back at yourself ashamed of how your picture turned,
    Some lessons you’ve never learned, or decided they should burn…
    Too stubborn to pay attention to the camera’s designs…
    Blind to the flash of life that once would help now resigned…
    Needed another roll of film but this clerk declined,
    Memories lined, by the photoshop that’s cropping your mind…
    I dare incline, that you take out the time, carefully look…
    Take a ride in the past, through every page in that book…
    Realize where you went wrong and take the steps to advance…
    And give it another chance, take that girl out to a dance
    Go give ya best friend that money he needed to keep his lights
    Tell ya kids that it’s ok just come back before its night
    Call back ya girl at her friend’s and apologize for the fight
    Erase all the wrong answers and ask for help to get them right
    And make the next develop better, clearer image resized
    Adjustments have been revised, and the quality surprised
    A future that looked so negative resurrected alive
    And vivid…God forgive it and fill yourself back with pride

    The Birth Of Creation

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    Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal

  2. #2
    Trajik Viewz Str8 JackIt's Avatar
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    The Birth Of Creation

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    Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal

  3. #3
    Express'on is EVERYTHING Express'on's Avatar
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    Re: The Developing

    Peeping through the lens, you’ll only get a glimpse…
    With focus of yourself, zooming in gets so intense…
    The pixels break apart, and you notice little blips…
    Where your character has changed, and the image seen has slipped…

    I like this alot...especially the 4th line...it really draws alot of attention...perfectly worded...a very good tempo and way to start this off...

    Hoping things developed wrong you dip it back under the light…
    Adjust the brightness thinking it’s something wrong with your sight…
    Barely able to make out all the reasons for the errors…
    Thoughts of looking back through the photo album gives you terrors…

    last line could be reworded, "gives you terrors" was kind of thrown in there...idk thats just seems like you need a comma or semi colon or something...the metaphor is still intact...i really like your choice of metaphor and appropriate word usage so far.

    Whether there was progression slow enough you didn’t notice…
    Or ignoring the facts hoping companions were a novice…
    Looking back at yourself ashamed of how your picture turned,
    Some lessons you’ve never learned, or decided they should burn…

    pretty cool...Idk about notice and novice...lol...i know different accents give different sounds...but with my accent..its wayy off...but i get it tho

    Too stubborn to pay attention to the camera’s designs…
    Blind to the flash of life that once would help( now resigned…
    Needed another roll of film but this clerk declined,
    Memories lined, by the photoshop that’s cropping your mind…

    nice...overall ur language is very well articulated and the metaphor is still intact.

    I dare incline, that you take out the time, carefully look…
    Take a ride in the past, through every page in that book…
    Realize where you went wrong and take the steps to advance…
    And give it another chance, take that girl out to a dance

    thats those cliche reference again...try to stay away from those everything else was solid...

    Go give ya best friend that money he needed to keep his lights
    Tell ya kids that it’s ok just come back before its night
    Call back ya girl at her friend’s and apologize for the fight
    Erase all the wrong answers and ask for help to get them right

    a little disjointed with the figurative language you have been using to keep the meta going...

    And make the next develop better, clearer image resized
    Adjustments have been revised, and the quality surprised
    A future that looked so negative resurrected alive
    And vivid…God forgive it and fill yourself back with pride

    *Oh I see what you were doing on the last 4 lines before these...

    very good end, You are on a roll, developing as an artist...you could have made the concept about u...lol...naw but seriously you are really coming into your own...and hopefully you stick to this man...u have the potential and the passion needed to be a top-tier writer...still a few kinks to unwrinkle out (as all of us do)...but this was a solid read, nice scheme, meta, figurative language, structure, storytelling...nice bro keep writing
    "the ink of a scholar, is worth a thousand times more, than the blood of a martyr"--lupe fiasco
    "I'm sonnin' ya'll like father's day/disrespect pop and get popped like Marvin Gaye" Skillz


    WRITTEN VOICES

  4. #4
    Trajik Viewz Str8 JackIt's Avatar
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    Re: The Developing

    thanks....hope you clicked a dragon on your way out

    The Birth Of Creation

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    Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal

  5. #5
    Your just a menime <SamPle>'s Avatar
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    Re: The Developing

    was really nice. use of vocab was pretty good not over done

    the whole reference to cameras was very smart and worked well i think.....

    nice job

  6. #6
    Newbie nSayn's Avatar
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    Re: The Developing

    I was feelin' this verse tho
    Good vocab - Good flow - Good overall idea
    And you stuck to the topic
    Good verse, keep it up

  7. #7
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    Re: The Developing

    Great piece Langy. Cool concept, nice rhyme scheme used, decent flow and strong imagery. You're elevating with every drop, it's quite shocking actually. Your word choices are ever improving, it read so fluently in this piece. Good stuff Langy.
    infektedpenz


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