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Thread: My Brother..

  1. #1
    -Marvelous-
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    My Brother..



    My Brother
    By Marvelous


    It was...

    The summer 05, When my brother and I
    would play in the rain,where my mother would sigh
    be humble and cry,tears of joy smothered her side
    seen the colorful skies, almost brushing our eyes

    Lying in grass, we smiled and laughed,
    not a care in the world, nor piles of cash.
    A child would dance, and while he would laugh
    Oh how i admired every style he had.

    Qualities..

    My brother collected a few, always accepting the new
    influencing and moving me to step into his shoes
    and the sentences used, just tempted me to
    embark on a journey that i had never been through

    Looking up to my brother, he was nothing like others
    the heart of an angel and traits of love from my mother
    smart and he wondered, to become sharper than cutters
    purest of souls within him heart guarded by shutters.

    Then the news broke, only a few spoke
    and i noticed my family slowly lose hope.
    It started with a cough, and then it grew so
    fast, causin havoc, in panic as the doctor drew notes.

    The lights grew dim, he had no life to live
    you were supposed to grow old have a wife and kids!
    meet your niece and nephew, so they'd greet, respect you
    and help them through any path that they'd need to get through

    I need to help you, I need to help you
    You can't go now John, we wont let you!
    i feel regretful for all the things i said to
    cover an emotion that seemed to upset you.

    I'm molding a plan, won't let go of your hand
    your going to make it through i know that you can
    I Laid awake in bed, i prayed and said
    God if your there in the air take me instead

    I dropped kneeling, screamed to God pleading
    please oh please dont take him i need him!
    What he feels i feel, when hes cut I'm bleeding
    And just then his eyes shut, and John stopped breathing.

    I miss you more and more each day.




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  2. #2
    -Marvelous-
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    Last edited by Art.; September 22nd, 2011 at 04:07 PM

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  3. #3

    Re: My Brother..

    damn...

  4. #4

    Re: My Brother..

    man now i got to write a topical to feel game thanks alot lol.
    nah great shit man. hope that wasnt a real experience 4 u n if it was i say u really captured the feeling.

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Re: My Brother..

    Wow Marv, powerful stuff. This is the best I've read from you. So deep, so much emotion, I could relate to this because I'm closer to my brother more than anybody else and reading this made me feel the way I would had I lost him, and I nearly did when I was a teenager, you son of a botch I'm going back to work in two minutes and you made me tear up. The rhyme scheme is sick, all the multis and internals create your usual flow without sacrificing content. Only one or two lines seemed slightly awkward but for the most part it was worded very well. The imagery was so strong too.
    Fantastic piece Marv. If it's true, sorry for your loss.

    Please rtf on my piece "I put a spell on you" it was my piece that malice no showed last week.
    infektedpenz


  6. #6

    Re: My Brother..

    man, like Tragik said, this was a powerful piece.. what hit me most, i lost my brother awhile ago. back in 02, he died in a fire. seems like just yesterday, it's just a day i know i'll never forget. it hurts. back to the piece, this had so much emotion in it.. it flowed really nice. dope rhyme scheme, good multis and also incredible imagery as well. honestly, one of the deepest pieces i ever read in my life. dope written. and, if it's true, man, sorry for your lose. i feel your pain, and i know the pain only gets deeper everyday. keep your head up!
    Last edited by Bloodyhands; September 21st, 2011 at 06:17 PM

  7. #7
    Express'on is EVERYTHING Express'on's Avatar
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    Re: My Brother..

    Holy shit bro...usually on heavily drawn rhyme schemes storylines become abstract, and emotion is sapped almost instantaneously...I usually, rarily don't have something to criticise...I think from beginning to end your not only told a story but you kept me as a reader compelled...to the fullest. imagery was deep...this was really top tier..i think that if you would have stuck to this you would have swept me under the rug...or I would have at leats spent a little more time...Nom nod from me...very nice
    "the ink of a scholar, is worth a thousand times more, than the blood of a martyr"--lupe fiasco
    "I'm sonnin' ya'll like father's day/disrespect pop and get popped like Marvin Gaye" Skillz


    WRITTEN VOICES

  8. #8
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    Re: My Brother..

    This was an easy read, flowed nicely, rhyme schemes definitely were dope, which made the piece easy to read til the end, alot of emotion, and that's alot since it's text, your storytelling seemed like it was second nature, one of those deep, thought-provoking, real shit, sorry for yer loss if it's a true story, nothing to complain about really, would make a powerful track good shit

    Could you return feed:
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...169/index.html

    would be much appreciated

  9. #9
    -Marvelous-
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    Re: My Brother..

    Quote Originally Posted by Krytical. View Post
    Holy shit bro...usually on heavily drawn rhyme schemes storylines become abstract, and emotion is sapped almost instantaneously...I usually, rarily don't have something to criticise...I think from beginning to end your not only told a story but you kept me as a reader compelled...to the fullest. imagery was deep...this was really top tier..i think that if you would have stuck to this you would have swept me under the rug...or I would have at leats spent a little more time...Nom nod from me...very nice
    thanks man, in our battle i wanted to try something different ehh it happens you had a nice verse in that so goodluck too you in the playoffs homie!

    uppin for feed i will have links before morning, sorry to not have them eearlied just have a lot going on.

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  10. #10
    huh? Vinzr's Avatar
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    Re: My Brother..

    This was definitely a great piece man. I think you really excelled in many aspects - imagery, rhyme scheme, flow, metaphors and conceptually I thought the piece was good. But mainly the emotion in this was deep and heavy. Anyways, all in all I thought this was a great piece that was well put together. Sorry for the VERY brief feedback here though.

  11. #11

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    Re: My Brother..

    its good. but it could feel more realistic.
    Stat

  12. #12
    -Marvelous-
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    Re: My Brother..

    thanks for the feed back uppingg for some more feed!

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  13. #13

    Re: My Brother..

    dope , every thing rhymed so easily like the whole scheme was so simple but so powerful .. keep it up man you should try recording some songs



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  14. #14
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    Re: My Brother..

    Lmao


    So I went to nominate this in hall of fame but some asshole named Krytical beat me to it.

    Love you Krytical, no homo?
    infektedpenz


  15. #15
    Cosa Nostra The Gwapfather's Avatar
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    Re: My Brother..

    @Outts, marv does record actually, his song which I believe is called "RIP Katie" (excuse me if I'm wrong marv) but it was actually nom'd as a Lengendary Song..

    Far as this piece goes, it was really well put together Marv, showed good emotion, imagery made a presence, could have went a lil deeper with the imagery but at the end of the read you didn't think to yourself it was missing much, usually your strong use of multis takes away from your content at times, but only a couple lines felt a lil forced due to that, most of it really stuck to the concept and let you deliver what you wanted, so props on that, overall a well written verse here, sorry you lost your bro Marv..

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